UGH! I wonder if *good* DBing makes it too easy for them to think they are doing OK.
Reminds me of the Mars/Venus theory of keeping score. If the woman keeps giving with a smile on her face then he assumes the "score" is close to equal. Then he doesn't get it when she looses it.
All that keeping up appearances makes it easy for them to deny that anything's amiss.
I'm no expert, but I think in your case since he seems somewhat willing to work on the depression I'd get him back on meds before you hit him with the list. (My hubby thinks antidepressants are for sissies and he's disgusted with me for taking them. My answer is I can't cry at work, it's not professional.)
I think it is a positive sign that he's alarmed you may move out again. Woah, what did I just say????
Good Morning Ellen! Your post gave me a smile. Yes, there are actually several positives in my situation and I am very thankful for them.
I have never sat down and read any of the John Gray books. I would imagine I need to add his stuff to my already extensive personal self-help library. I am also interested in reading Dr. Laura's book, "The Care and Feeding of Husbands,"--I think is what it is called. Perhaps I should put these books on my Christmas wish list! Hahahaha!!
I did come to the same conclusion in my ponderings last night as you did about actually getting my H back on the ADs and getting him somewhat stable mentally before we have any painful, involved discussions. If we can achieve this, I think a lot of our problems will actually solve themselves.
When he was on his meds at the beginning of our reconciliation, things were going *so* much better for us in all areas of our marriage. I can't help but think that we can get back to that with him being properly treated for his depression. Then we can, I hope, productively address the problems that remain in our marriage.
When the cat is away, the mice don't always play bad games.
Somehow, even when I was seriously DBing and doing my best to connect with W, when I went on a trip, all of a sudden it's 1:00 am and I haven't called home. I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was just so happy to be active and occupied I lost track of time.
HUGE DOWNER when W gave me the nth degree about not calling. HUGE ENCOURAGEMENT when W said, don't worry about calling tomorrow if you don't want to, I know you are being good.
IMHO, although you have absolutely no reason to trust H, somehow you have to overtly let him know he can earn your trust. If he did any of the things you are starting to think he did, he's got a long way to go to accept the reality of life again, and is probably having doubts he deserves a second chance.
Lord, give LG the strength and emotional security to anchor H through the emotional storm still brewing in their lives. Lay her down in a green pasture and restore her soul, so her actions can continue to witness to her H. And Thank You for having her share the Love Your Enemies piece - even though I haven't read it all yet - You know that is an area I'm having serious difficulties in. In Jesus name, Amen.
Now, you may want to check your local public library for those books. I know the $ amount on all these books can add up! In my own case I work in the public library and can read some of these books from there, and some I have had to buy. I have decided to give up all my magazines, since I'm not interested in them anymore. Bugger this depression!
But, the good news is really no news. H is behaving (I think), and I am starting to not be so interested in snooping anymore. Boy, I never thought this would happen.
But, and this is funny/sad, when I was paying the bills on Sunday I found a picture of OW in H's junk drawer. I wasn't looking for it, I was looking for a return address stamp. I'm thinking he didn't remember it was there. I just threw it out and I'll never mention it.
BTW, I can see why she was giving him pictures of herself that were quite a bit younger than her current age. MEOW! Ok, enough of that! It's not about her! It's about him.
You will be pleased to know that when he called Monday night at 1 am, I was DBing. He did not get the nth degree from me at all, in fact I never once asked him why he was calling so late, he volunteered that info for me. I was upbeat throughout the entire call, thankful he did call--but I have NOT yet reached the point where I could say, "Don't worry about calling tomorrow if you don't want to, I know you are being good." I did tell him that when he decided to call me the next day, any time would be fine. So he chose to call me earlier rather than later, I suspect so that I wouldn't really know what time he got in, but I am detached enough that I am cool with him withholding that info from me. I haven't heard from him today so I hope he did not miss his plane due to an extrememly late night with the boys. And, he will not be quizzed by me about his night with the boys. That's the best I can offer him at this point, plk.
Quote: IMHO, although you have absolutely no reason to trust H, somehow you have to overtly let him know he can earn your trust. If he did any of the things you are starting to think he did, he's got a long way to go to accept the reality of life again, and is probably having doubts he deserves a second chance.
Yes. I need to work on this with him. He has apparently done some thing(s)that he never wants me to find out about, and BMOW shares some of those secrets with him, thus his interest in keeping her and me separated and not provoking her to blab to me. If she is happy working for the business, then by all means, let's keep her happy! Ugh.
Thanks for the prayer. That was sweet of you.
Blessings, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Hi Ellen--your posts always make me smile or laugh out loud! Hey, I have given up all my magazines too--too much clutter for me. Now if I could get my H to give his up, or at least cut the number down, I'd be a step ahead of the game. I think I will check the library out for those books, thanks.
You were right on with that MEOW! Your post reminded me of this past summer when I found pictures of BMOW on one of the computers here that H had downloaded. And, hmmmmmm, they were of her a DECADE younger than her current age. Imagine that! I laughed heartily as a deleted them.
As far as you stumbling across the OW pic--I know how that feels--I got to stumble across BMOW's b-day card to my H, and her tons of love cards, and her Valentine's day cards, and her Easter card and her credit card where he had added her to one of his (now defunct) accounts. Not that it matters that that particular account is defunct--no, that didn't stop her, she apparently now has two more in his name anyway!
It is probably best that you throw out anything you find and never mention it. My H knows I have destroyed all BMOW's stuff that I have found, but he has never mentioned it to me. If he didn't want it destroyed, he should have tucked it all away in a safety deposit box somewhere. I suppose I could kid myself and think that he forgot about all of it!
LG--a shredding, deleting fool!
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Hi LG! I'm back from the world show and wanted to stop by. If you can't find the Care and Feeding book, I have it-- and her next one about Woman Power. I also have another I'd love for you to read. It's called Hes Just Not That Into You. (Don't raise your eyebrows at me! It's just a unique perspective about not getting stuck in analysis paralysis, and realizing that sometimes it's not about fear, guilt, issues, etc etc-- it's just that if a man is not sufficiently crazy about you, you don't get treated the way you would if that were the case. I thought it was very interesting, a real eye opener.
So, do I now know a World Champion??????? You sound great!!!
I wonder what kind of reaction I would get from H if he saw me reading the "He's Just Not That Into You?" !!!!!! The reaction he had to my book, "When Your Lover is a Liar" was bad enough!!!!
Quote: What did you do to your hair?
Hahahahahahaha! I am not quite sure the tone you intended me to read that question in, but in my head I first read it as a plaintive, pitiful cry of disappointment that made me laugh out loud!
All I did to my hair was get a perm--actually just had some waves and body added, and a hint of curl. It turned out very nicely. My H of course has said nothing, but that's ok. He detests the way my hair smells for a few days after getting a perm anyway. Next month my treat to myself will be to play with my haircolor a bit, perhaps some interesting highlights or lowlights for added depth. So that's what I did to my hair. _______________________________________
My H made it home safely from his business trip. He has been a tad bit distant, most likely pondering the list I have to discuss with him. I have decided to wait until he has been on his ADs for awhile before we have any indepth discussions. He did re-start his meds!
I also got to thinking that I could still be suffering from some low-level depression myself, so I decided to re-start my ADs too and I feel tons better!! That really helped to motivate my H to take his. What a pair we are...
H and I had an excellent discussion at lunch today and he told me he is ready to see the doctor finally about his potential STD. He gave me the name of a doctor to call and set him up an appointment with!! That tells me he has been thinking about this if he went to the trouble to research a doctor that he wanted to see. My goal this afternoon is to make that appointment!
BMOW remains incredibly quiet--no business nor any personal emails. She will be receiving a care package from me soon--I have found some of the business' inventory here in the house and I am simply going to box it up and ship it to her.
Hope everyone's weekend is a good one!
Blessings, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Last night H and I stayed up spending time together until 2 this morning, mostly just being together and cuddling. I got up about 8 am to get some coffee started and H appeared in the kitchen shortly thereafter. He took me in his arms and sang to me and even danced with me a little around the kitchen!! We both cracked up at how silly we were acting. I told him that I had missed his laugh and all his happy, silly behavior. He said that he had too and that he was feeling much better himself. Things are really looking promising again, just like they did when we first started our reconciliation. Now if I can keep him on his meds this time!
Then we read the paper together and had our coffee and breakfast. H talked to me for quite awhile about his job and personnel and some problems he is going to have to deal with in the near future. I practiced my listening and validating skills. Now all we need to do is get his little problem treated and my corner of the world should become even brighter.
Well, I have a date with my treadmill--gotta run!
LG--praising and loving her Lord
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Depression runs in my mother's family, and I have seen firsthand the damage it can cause. I wish antidepressants had been around in the 30's and 40's so I could have met my grandfather (he committed suicide before I was born).
Isn't it LOVELY when the person you know and love comes back? Relish it!
Yes, there are actually several positives in my situation and I am very thankful for them.
He did not get the nth degree from me at all, in fact I never once asked him why he was calling so late, he volunteered that info for me. I was upbeat throughout the entire call, thankful he did call--but I have NOT yet reached the point where I could say, "Don't worry about calling tomorrow if you don't want to, I know you are being good." I did tell him that when he decided to call me the next day, any time would be fine. So he chose to call me earlier rather than later, I suspect so that I wouldn't really know what time he got in, but I am detached enough that I am cool with him withholding that info from me. I haven't heard from him today so I hope he did not miss his plane due to an extrememly late night with the boys. And, he will not be quizzed by me about his night with the boys. That's the best I can offer him at this point, plk.