Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again So this is piecing...

Hi E. (can I call you E.? ),

I am really hoping that when my H last went to AFF that it was to delete his profile, but we shall see. If he leaves the cookie on his machine (he knows how to cover his tracks), it will update every time he visits. My H *has* to be frugal now, because we have filed bankruptcy and I know where *every* penny is being spent, so if he is still part of these websites, it's gonna have to be the very limited free version! No more gold member status for him!!! Hahahahaha!! And I have a feeling that him having simply a free version membership at these sites will NOT leave a good impression with the ladies.

Yes, waiting and watching is the best route I have learned to take. If my H is going to choose to sink himself again in this manner, then he can do it all on his own, without my help. I have many other obligations to deal with instead of worry about him and his juvenile antics! I shall leave him to the Lord to deal with.

Speaking of other obligations, I spent yesterday decorating the church for a mother/daughter high tea we are having today. It is going to be great! We have a wonderful speaker and lots of excellent tea, goodies and fellowship planned this afternoon. After that, my H has mentioned he might like us to visit a local vineyard that is having a grand opening today. A little wine tasting to end the day on a relaxing note might be quite enjoyable.

Anyway, E., have you started your own thread in a forum somewhere where we can read about your bomb and situation and offer any advice to you, or simply to commiserate?

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He says only as much as he needs to. He's never apologized to me, in the 26 years we've been together, that I can remember. He's never been wrong, that he will say out loud. I'm still just watching and waiting. I hope someday I can start getting something back out of this R other than apparent good behavior. Is that asking for the moon?

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Yes, my H still very much blames me completely for our problems and his A and I would imagine also the need for him to go to these certain websites to get attention.

I am now giving him the type of attention that he has claimed he has wanted all along from me and what am I receiving in return? Rebuff. No intimacy. No romance. We are living platonically while I guess I wait for him to decide if this is the kind of attention he wanted from me after all. Yes, I am getting good behavior now too (he's home all the time, accounts for any time away from home, remains accessible to me at all times, is accountable to me in a variety of other ways, doesn't spend hours on-line in my presence, supposedly has cut off personal contact with his girlfriend(s), supposedly has eliminated porn from his life, etc.), and I don't think wanting something a little more than that is asking for the moon at all!!!!! As long as it is *positive* behavior--I am right there with you on that. So I wait and be still.

Let me know where your thread is or where you start one, ok, E.?

Have a blessed day!,
LG

PS. One last thing,...I don't believe God is "testing" me,...He is refining me into a much, much better and stronger person! And I love the new me!!! HE does such wonderful work and I pray for Him to do the same for my H.

Hi "Lost". My thread is over on infidelity, and it's called Hubby wants to stay together, but..."

My name is Ellen, but folks don't use real names around here very often. I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. Really. BTW, hubby's OW was the paid soloist in the church choir. Can you believe it? They started as "friends". I honestly don't know if he hooked up with anyone from the websites, and he's not saying one way or another. He's never wrong, either!

E.

Hello Ellen,

I found your thread and will read through it soon. I am sorry to learn that your H's OW was from the church.

Well, my last few days have had their ups and downs.

Sunday night I had the opportunity to have a major crying jag. I woke up disoriented after falling asleep after dinner on the sofa and the music playing on the stereo triggered the release of some pent up feelings in me. Fortunately my H was in another room reading and I made it safely to the bathroom to have a good cry. Unfortunately when I came to bed, my eyes were red and swollen and I had a stuffy nose, so my H knew what I had been doing. He didn't press me for info though. He showed some concern and gave me a hug and that was the end of that.

My H was out of town on business Monday and Tuesday. I was able to check his email while he was gone and I found a personal email from BMOW that he hadn't seen yet where she was asking him for help with a computer problem.

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...I normally wouldn't bother you with something like this but I have searched, looked and asked to no avail. Your help with this would be greatly appreciated,...

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I must disagree with her. Her "fiance" is supposedly a computer geek, if there really is a "fiance". I just can't believe that he cannot help her with her request.

So, I simply deleted the email. I have had enough of all this. I guess I'll find out if anything comes of it. I am way past caring. H and BMOW both continue to violate boundaries set upon his and my reconciliation and it is time I enforced them again. At the least, if he learns of the deletion, I hope it prompts a good healthy discussion between the two of us.

Last night, my H was an invited speaker again and gave a presentation to a local group here in town. It lasted until late, so H and I went out to dinner afterward. Several times it became very uncomfortable for me because of derogatory things my H said to me about me. He acted as if he was joking and it was all ha ha very funny (only to him apparently), and after the last "joke" I gave him a look that told him that was enough.

The last joking comment he made was, "I miss being able to sit here and eat chips and hot sauce before our meal comes." (He is on a strict diet because of his diabetes and blood sugar being all out of whack.) I said cheerily, "You get to talk to me instead!" He looked at me and oh so seriously and straight-faced said, "I'm gonna need a stiff drink, then."

Now, you may be thinking that I may well be overly sensitive because that does seem to be a cute little joke. And yes, I actually see the positive in this with him feeling comfortable enough to actually joke that way, out loud, with me. However, I am not going to put up with disrespect like that from him or anyone else, joking or not.

So, I looked at him in a way that told him to stop behaving that way, that I had had enough of his comments. He offered a lame, "I really was only joking" and we moved on to another discussion. In the back of my mind though, I had a weird thought that if this had been a date between us before we were married and he had behaved like that, he would have never seen me for another date. In fact, it made me feel so uncomfortable that I would have probably called an early evening to that pre-marriage "date," thinking he was a total loser.

I think I am slowly getting in touch with the girl that I let get buried somewhere inside me over ther years, the girl that I believe he respected at one time. Now if I can find the girl in me that he once adored and desired, things between us will be looking up again.

Tonight we have another date. I guess because we are already married, I'll give him another chance. H is taking me on a dinner cruise on a local lake to see the eclipse of the full moon. Well, if he doesn't behave, I guess I'll get the opportunity to do some more DBing on him.

LG--lost girl still finding herself

Woah, you really showed self control when he said that. If my hubby had said that to me, I would have had to bite my tongue to keep from going all sarcastic "And I love you too, honey".

He's still depressed, isn't he? That sounds like depression talking to me.

This is the part that bugs us now, doesn't it? They are here, but sometimes they act like it's such a big chore to show love and affection. Whadda want, that I should tell you every day??? Yes, that would be nice. You could act like you enjoy my company, for starters.

I'm sorry you are going thru this, I'm sorry I am too! Although my situation might be even considered ideal to a lot of folks on this board, I want more. I don't just want him living at home and being faithful (that's a start), but I want him to be in love with me. I deserve it! And so do you!

Not much happening with me, I think what I need is a tincture of time. I'm so unbelievably impatient.

Ellen

Hi Ellen,

Yes, my H is still depressed. He stopped taking his AD's in July because of the side effects he said they were causing him, like hot flashes and sweating. And interestingly, not too very long after that, what sex life we had went right down the tubes. Hmmmmmm.......correlation? Most likely.

He is now convinced that he doesn't need them, even after his doctor told him he shouldn't have stopped taking them and should have tried another one to see if the side effects lessened. He doesn't see the doctor again until January. That will give me time to come up with a way to see if I can get him back on a different one to try.

And yes, I want my H to be in love with me and show desire for me also. I guess we should work on a list of goals to achieve this end, but I wonder if it is possible while my H's depression remains untreated.

I am doing about everything my H has always dreamed he wanted me to do for him--not work so that I could take care of him by cooking, cleaning, doing his laundry, be available to spend more time with him among other things and yet, his depression does not allow him to appreciate what he has right now.

Well, he just let me know he is on his way home, so I am signing off for now.

LG--off for an evening cruise with her H

Last night was a late night, and I got to spend it with my H in a nice setting. I wish I could say it was romantic and that H fell more deeply in love with me under the eclipse of the moon, but no.

I spent most of the evening feeling that I was out with someone who looked like my H but didn't really act like my H. It took me almost all evening working on being close to him and touching him, but I finally got him to kiss me before the boat docked for the night. At least there were no derogatory comments about me from him, so I figure that was a plus.

The cruise itself really was lovely and the eclisped moon was beautiful. Prizes were given away all night to the passengers and my H won the first one given away--a t-shirt of the radio station that was sponsoring the cruise. I won the last prize of the night--two tickets to a play called "The Promise". It is acted outdoors in a natural amphitheater near our town and it the story of Christ!! Hahahahahaha--if that isn't God working I don't know what is!!!!!!! My H's jaw dropped when he saw what it was I won. He said to me incredulously, "Did you pray for that from Him???" Then without skipping a beat he whined, "That's not fair!!" (Isn't H acting and sounding more and more like a child??) I just looked at H and smiled and simply said, "God is good. Will you take me to see the play?" And H said YES!! So we are going this Saturday. Perhaps the Lord will touch H's heart there and call H to Him!

In other news, BMOW sent my H an email this morning, too late for me to delete it, but I didn't need to because it was business and it was cc'ed to one of the business partners, so rules were followed. My H replied to her and followed the rules also and cc'ed to a business partner. No mention was made by BMOW about my H's lack of response to her personal email request of the other day. So perhaps she got the message yet again to not ask him for personal help!

H is coming home for the day at lunch, so I will get to have a child underfoot all afternoon and evening. I think I will do the grocery shopping this afternoon. I doubt he will want to help with that.

LG--trying to understand just what it is her H is going through

Hope everyone had a great Hallowe'en! I had a lot of fun attending the DB BB's Hallowe'en party hosted by none other than the hostess with the mostest--Barbie Doll! The thread is in the Just For Fun Forum if you want to check it out.

H and I had our date Saturday and we sat through a 3 hour showing of "The Promise". It was a beautiful musical rendition of the story of Christ--very well acted and professionally sung--there was also a menagerie of animals including a camel, horses, sheep, donkeys, doves and pigeons. The program said that the London Philharmonic Orchestra helped with the sound track. I loved it all--including the contempory Christian rock band that opened the show.

My H's take on it was good. He was not magically converted into a believer after the show, but he was impressed and open-minded enough to say he would like to see it again! God is working on him. It was all performed outdoors and the chance of rain was great, but me and I am sure many of the audience members kept praying for the Lord to hold off the rain and He did!! That also impressed my H because on the drive home, it was apparent that it had rained all around us, just NOT at the amphitheater! God is good!!

Going back a bit, Friday was an interesting day involving email from BMOW to my H. In an email she made a catty reference to the personal email that I deleted where she had asked my H for computer help.

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I had previously sent 2 request to one of the business partners to ask you for this information but he didn't respond. I"m assuming he's either buried in work or not in the office. Regardless, I need an email address. I have several business items I need to discuss with the person whose email address I need as well as several orders for some items that need to be drop shipped. I would prefer not to send this to their general email address. I don't have the information anymore because I lost my hard drive and my address book. If you have them, can you please forward them.

-BMOW

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Apparently, Friday was really NOT a good day for her because she also received in the regular mail on Friday some business stuff that I had found laying around the house that I took the liberty of forwarding to her.

No, my H would most definitely NOT approve of my doing so, but I got tired of looking at it day after day. It was a check from a customer that came to our address by mistake and some collection letters for an unpaid bill for one of the corporations that BMOW and H set up. It appears that BMOW has not paid several of the bills, but we already knew that there was a problem from the collection calls H has been getting at work for an unpaid phone bill for the business. Anyway, I put all the stuff in a large manila envelope, and addressed it to the business, NOT her. I also put our return address on it, all in my handwriting, which she may or may not have recognized. It elicited the following response from her:

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Hello,

I received in the mail today (forwarded from your home address) 2 collection notices regarding Corporation #2. I assume that the belief is that Corporation #1 is responsible for paying these bills?

I do not plan on paying for them out of the Corporation #1 account. Corporation #1 has not and never intends to utilize Corporation #2, that was set up for your personal income. (LG here--Yes, that personal income was to come from corporation #1, among other endeavors) When I wrote to you back in April/May regarding Corporation #2 you never responded or indicated if you wanted to close the coroporation down. I took no further action on your behalf regarding this company and I don't intend to now.

Would you like me to mail these back? Corporation #1 is paid up and is in good standing regarding the corporate structure. (Only because it currently benefits her!)
BMOW

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OK, I dug up the email she refers to that she sent back in May. You decide if she expected a response, or even asks for one!

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Wednesday - May 12, 2004 2:16 PM
I finally got this back on my radar scope again... I know that you had been wondering what we should do with corporation #2 and if it could sit until needed at a later date. The answer to that is YES, it can (yeah).

Basically I called the firm that we used last June, both companies are in perfect standing with the state. We will receive letters from the state, (probably soon) about franchise taxes if they are applicable.

As long as those are paid, the company can just sit and never do another thing. Once you start to make an income, we will then have to do some other paperwork with it, but not before then. So, it's not a loss or another write off in the least!!! The only unknown is what the amount of franchise tax is going to be. But actually I don't think that there will be any franchise tax. So, you are in the clear and still own another company that can sit and wait to shelter income for you at a later date.

I hope this news pleases you,
BMOW

P.S. We are also in good standing with corporation #1, we do not pay sales tax again until Dec 2004. I'm still working on the corporation #1 Federal Income Tax return, but we have until the end of August to address that (for 2003), I did manage to file an extension.

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In my opinion, she is having selective memory about all this and it is compounded by the fact that I have made it known to her that I am home again and watching her. I'm sure she was extremely rattled by receiving something from H and I's home address in my handwriting. And I didn't even address the envelope to her, I addressed it to the business. There was no offending note to her from me in the envelope, just the business stuff.

H came home Friday and did not say a word to me about me forwarding that stuff to her. I figured we might have a big discussion about it, but nothing yet. Also, he has not responded to the email. I really hope he doesn't, either.

Watch out, BMOW. I will continue to rattle your cage.

LG

Just logging some thoughts today...

In Sunday school this past Sunday, we discussed unequally yoked marriages where one spouse has come to know the Lord and the other spouse has not and how difficult it was for the believing spouse.

The pastor threw this thought out into the discussion--that perhaps what I am (and many others) still going through with my spouse (refuses to believe and lack of intimacy among other things) is simply that I may be experiencing a season of reaping what I have sown in my past, before I became a Christian. And as I continue through this trial and reap the consequences, my faith in the Lord is able to be strengthened or weakened, my choice. That is quite thought-provoking and I have been thinking about it a lot. I know I also have past generational sin to deal with and that could be having an effect on my life too right now.

Ahhh, to continue to lose all the impurities in myself from the Lord's fire. The Lord is going to have to put me through the fire many times to clean me up! And now could very well be one of those times.

In other varied thoughts, mail that should be going to BMOW and the business is continuing to come to our home address. So I am continuing to forward it on to BMOW. I don't know why this is happening now, but it is. It may well be to aggravate me or to force more contact from my H, but I am not letting it do either. She has not responded about the most recent forwards from yesterday that I have sent to her in the mail. If she is going to respond, I would expect it to be sometime this afternoon.

LG--working on how her life and everything she does represents her King and Savior

Gosh, is it Friday already? Where does the time go??

This has actually ended up being a quiet week. BMOW never responded to the additional business stuff I forwarded to her in the mail. One business email she sent to my H earlier this week had no mention of the forwarded mail from me and the tone of her email was almost wistful. I hope she is getting resigned to the fact that I am back in my H's life and her connection to him will soon be broken forever, finally.

How do I know this?

Well, today H and I spent the better part of the morning in federal court finishing the filing of our bankruptcy that we were forced to file as a result of his MLC spending spree over an 18 month period. Oh, and there were all those MLC business start-up costs, too. The bankruptcy trustee quizzed my H pretty thoroughly on his involvement in the business with BMOW. On the record, my H stated that he had simply given ALL his shares in the business to BMOW and one of the other business partners to split and that all that is left to do is for him to formally resign as owner and CEO of the company. The trustee exclaimed, "You GAVE your shares away and did not SELL them?" "And now you are simply going to resign from this business?" My H said, "Yes because the business has yet to make any money and probably never will, but BMOW has worked hard on it and she can have my part of the business. The business certainly has no assets to pay any or all of this debt back. In fact, the reason I am in bankruptcy court is because of that business. I am formally giving my part of the business away and will be done with it shortly."

On the drive home, my H said," I bet you didn't know that I was going to just give BMOW the business." In all honesty, I could only say, "Nope. Didn't know that." But I was thinking, "Why has it taken this long to even consider giving her and the business up totally?" H went on to say that all he had to do was file a formal resignation letter and then he would have no more ties to BMOW OR the business. I said, "So, that means that shortly she will be out of our lives for good and the two of you will have absolutely NO MORE REASON to stay in any kind of contact, right?"

Boy, THAT question took his breath away and very hesitantly and thoughtfully, he nodded his head yes. I don't think he had thought that far ahead! Wow, no more contact AT ALL for the two of them! I then asked him when he would be resigning. I did not get an answer to that question. I suppose he was caught up in thinking about the upcoming TOTALLY NO CONTACT that I really should have enforced as a boundary several months ago, but did not for various reasons. Well, I am learning. At least as far as I know, the two of them have not laid eyes on each other since April 5th.

So, H was able to share a little more of his thoughts today with me and the time we spent together was very positive. H took me to lunch and we shopped and he bought me a few things, then we came on home in the afternoon. We are each now sitting at our respective computers, he is playing one of his computer games and I am typing this.

We have plans for another date tomorrow night. He is taking me to a "Star Watching Party"--NOT celebrity stars, but celestial stars! This should be something different, so we'll see how it goes!

Blessings,
LG

Well, so much for the star watching date. We both got wrapped up in a college football game that was on yesterday afternoon and it lasted into the early evening hours. Then I fixed dinner and that was it for the evening. I never said anything about the missed date and neither did he until this morning after I got home from church.

He admitted that he had totally forgotten about it since he had been all wrapped up in the football game, but he apologized and wanted to know if I was terribly upset. I reassured him that if it had been that big a deal to me, I would have made sure we kept the date, but I enjoyed sitting and watching the game with him. The weekend has been pleasant for the both of us regardless of the missed date.

In Saturday's mail at our home address, we received ANOTHER collection notice for ANOTHER unpaid bill for the business. I will forward the original on to BMOW tomorrow. I am also going to copy it and send the copy to the collection agency with the correct name, address and phone number to contact BMOW about this directly.

LG--wondering what BMOW is up to