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Well, H settled for playing computer video games last night. Sigh... he said he felt the need to "kill" something since he can't "kill" the offending parties at work that cause him all his stress. So I fed him dinner and let him be.

My plans for this morning are to continue destroying evidence of OWs existance in H's life. I have several drawers of CC bills with hotel room charges, bar and restaurant charges and the like that I have been working on shredding. There are a lot. But I am slowly removing it all from our life.

Last week I found a pile of "love" cards from BMOW to my H from their affair in one of H's dresser drawers under his socks. Don't know where they came from all of a sudden because I thought I had scoured the place, but there they were. Maybe they were under the mattress and I didn't find them quickly enough for him! I suspect H put them there for me to find and destroy, so I shredded them. It was very relieving to do so!

Time's a wasting. Off to shred and relieve some tension this morning.

LG

Well, there is nothing quite like finding a credit card with BMOW's name on it as I was busy digging in a drawer preoccupied with shredding! I see that my H was so kind as to add her to one of his existing CC accounts at some point in the last year.

I wonder if:

1). Does she still have a card that she is carrying around currently?

2). If not, is she still on the account and have privileges anyway?

Actually, these really are rhetorical/moot questions because my H has filed bankruptcy. According to his CC statements, he charged every last one of his cards over the limit and they stayed there during his MLC trip. Imagine a figure over $100,000. He also spent $15,000 of our savings, but that is another sad story for another day. The statements I am shredding are impressive. My H was a busy boy and tried to appear to his ladies as a BIG spender.

I tucked BMOW's card in a safe place so my above questions could be addressed in counseling later. Then I shall gleefully cut it up. I entertained myself briefly with the fantasy of sending BMOW an email saying I found her CC and that I would be cutting it up and mailing her the pieces, as it was no longer any good due to the bankruptcy.

That's all the shredding I can take for now. I can only relive so much trash/pain each day/week. But next week I will shred some more--there is LOTS left to shred.

LG

Hi LG,

You know my H came home with a food container from OW's awhile back, with some pineapple in it. At first I was upset then thought a little cottage cheese with this would be good. So I ate it. Threw the container in the recycle. My H saw it there and asked me why I had thrown it out and I just said I didn't need it. H said you're mad becuase it's from someone else's house. Yes M H knows how to be a**. But, he never took it back out of the recycle either. OW sent my H a piece of mail a few months back and I knew it was from her, it was some clippings of activities around the area..yep I said well tell her thank you and H, son4 and I did some of the activities she had mailed! So her litte plan backfired...no mail since either. I mean how stupid.

Stormie Omartian is the author of the Praying Wife. It's a really good book. I pray all the time, too.

Cathy

Cathy,

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You know my H came home with a food container from OW's awhile back, with some pineapple in it. At first I was upset then thought a little cottage cheese with this would be good. So I ate it.

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Hahahahahahahaha! LOL

My H did some things similar to me too. Way back when he first started the A with BMOW (and of course the A was unknown to me), H, me and stepD16 were invited to dinner at BMOW's and her H's house with her two kids. What a family setting it was!! BMOW cooked for all of us, though I must say, I didn't really care for the meal--too spicy for me. My H just loved it, naturally, and I'm sure had many more.

Then late last summer, the A STILL unknown to me, H brought me home some cheesecake from BMOW. That cheesecake was pretty darn good too! Come to find out, she didn't make it anyway.

LG

Boy was yesterday afternoon and evening bad for me.

My H's OW, BMOW, remains as his internet business manager. <sigh> She is ONLY supposed to contact my H regarding matters of the internet business and she is supposed to cc his other two business partners on every communication. All parties understood that there would be NO personal communication whatsoever.

Well, BMOW violated that immediately after my H "broke up" with her last April. My H provided me with his business email password so that I could log in and see all her correspondence to him, business and personal. My H and I discussed everything she sent him. As far as I know, he NEVER has responded to anything personal that she sent that I read. Every now and then she sends a sarcastic email to my H regarding his lack of communication to her.

She sent the following earlier this week:

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I heard back from one of the business partners, but heard nothing from you about anything else... Are we back in non-communication mode again? If so, no worries on this end. LG's thoughts: If no worries, why even send this email?? I won't bother to send you anymore updates or questions... I'm just here taking care of the business, if you'd like to respond that's fine too. It is frustrating on my end of things to get non-consistent responsiveness, one week your responsive, the next not. I don't have time for this.... You have time for this email! I need to be able to move on regarding business decisions with reliable consistent information.

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Emails like this from her reinforce my belief in my H's non-communication mode with her, for the most part. In fact, her business and personal communication has slowly ebbed to almost zilch over the summer, I believe due in part to her moving on to ANOTHER man, even though she is married and has two little girls. Sometimes though, I wonder if these are a cover up--I just don't know any more.


Well, what miffed me a little was that my H responded immediately to her:

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Hello BMOW - I am sorry for the slow response. I have been dealing with personal problems as well as the end of year demands of the day job. Doing the one armed fiddler routine and not too well. I do read your updates and appreciate them, as well as the other business partners.

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Is this type of response *really* appropriate on my H's part? Or do you see it as just simple, harmless chit chat? Regardless of what it is, it bothers me, and I think my feelings about it should be validated by my H.

Anyway, yesterday BMOW included my H in a mass emailing of an innocuous email. She has done this from time to time and I usually delete them before my H sees them. Doing that gave me a little control over the situation. I see this as continuing to violate the "no personal contact" agreement, and my patience is wearing thin. So I decided to bring it up to H so we could discuss it. He was at work, so I IMed him.

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lost_girl: Hi! Got your email of your reply to BMOW. Thanks.

h: :-)

lost_girl: I see that she continues to send personal ones too.

h: Well, as part of a mass mailing.

lost_girl: To me, that is irrelevant.

h: Resistance is futile.

lost_girl: blocked personal email addresses are not.

h: no, just antagonistic and we dont really want that right now. more the fade away sort of approach.

lost_girl: she sends you at least one personal one a month. Usually I get to them and delete them. It is not fading away.

h: oh - I didnt know that.

lost_girl: they are usually innocuous like this one today was, or they can be insulting to me. But it remains to be a right she thinks she still has, even after your breakup.

h: ? she sends stuff insulting to you?

lost_girl: no dear, her mass mailing subject matter to you is insulting to me, so I delete them

lost_girl: today's was actually NOT insulting, just typical, and my patience is wearing thin.

h: don't worry - it will all fade away, especially once she gets a job.

lost_girl: i am under the impression she is working four now.

h: as a part timer

h: she obviously has time to write emails

lost_girl: yes, and to you. I am sorry that she still has a hold on you like this.

h: knock it off - she has no hold on me, only on you and you let her do it to you. Just forget about it and dont let your emotions ruin the start to our weekend.

lost_girl: I am really sorry that my feelings about this are so trivial to you.

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Is it any wonder why I have problems communicating with this man? He always turns things back to being a problem for me. I admit I am no great communicator, but I made an effort here. If I deserve a 2X4, people, please let me have it. But I think ANY feelings I have regarding BMOW, who BTW should be in our past and NOT remaining in our present, should be a MAJOR concern for my H.

If the convo had continued, I was simply going to ask him to block ALL her known personal email addresses from his work email account, but leave her business email address unblocked. And on his personal hotmail account, I was going to ask him to block ALL her known email addresses. She shouldn't be writing him there anyway for any reason.

So, am I being unreasonable here?

Also, this morning, I checked H's work email as I usually do of a morning. Nothing from BMOW, but out of curiosity, I looked in his address book and found under "Frequent Contacts" two email addresses for BMOW. One was her business email, which I was aware of, but one was a personal one that I was under the impression that she RARELY, if ever, uses. And there it was under "frequent contacts". <sigh> I took the liberty of deleting it for a small measure of satisfaction.

I am looking forward to our next counseling appointment on Monday the 20th. We are going to need it.

LG

Hiya, LG.

I totally understand what you're going through, and I know first hand how much it SUCKS. However, I do think that you are going to drive yourself crazy if you keep doing what you're doing.

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lost_girl: yes, and to you. I am sorry that she still has a hold on you like this.

h: knock it off - she has no hold on me, only on you and you let her do it to you. Just forget about it and dont let your emotions ruin the start to our weekend.

lost_girl: I am really sorry that my feelings about this are so trivial to you.

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I really didn't understand where you got that he was trivializing your feelings. Looking at it from your H's perspective- he gave you full access to his e-mail and he's not trying to hide anything. Yet it still doesn't seem to be enough for you. It is as if he is being punished again and again for the same thing, and I'm sure that is taxing to him. I fully understand that what he did was wrong. BUT, I am willing to bet he knows that as well as the rest of us do, and he just wants to put it all behind him.

I have been through my H having a workplace romance. MY GOSH I would be THRILLED if I had access to all his personal stuff. But, no, his PDA and his computer both have passwords on them that I am not privy to. Despite the fact that I hate snooping, I would still love to know that his life was that open to me. I doubt that I would ever even check on him. But him thinking I could at any time would certainly go a long way with me!

To me, it sounds as if your H is trying to move on, and in a way you're not letting him.
I know this is hard, but you're going to have to find a way.

I am wracking my brain trying to think of the book in which I read a scenario like yours. The wife was constantly bringing up the H's affair over and over, and the H was to the point that he just couldn't take it any more. I want to say that the book is "Love Busters," but I'll have to check on that. (watch it be one of the DB books...boy won't I look like a dolt! )

Again, I know what you are going through, and I know how hard it is to let go of it. I'm sure you're going to have to talk it through many times before you can put it behind you (if ever). I just wanted to say that from this side, you do have an H that sounds as though he does care about you and your feelings, and one that is trying to build trust again.

Hope the rest of the weekend went well!

Hi PamelaC,

Thanks for the 2X4! Got one from H Saturday morning also. He will be pleased to find out that you support him!

What makes this so hard for me is that BMOW is still in his life and thus in our life. Makes it really difficult to move on sometimes, like this week. I really have been doing well these past few months and accepting of her continued presence, until I backslid this week, but it has enabled me to refocus.

My H and I had quite a discussion Saturday morning that allowed me to see that I have slowly been letting negative thoughts gain control of me again. Well, duh! I do feel though, that if BMOW were completely gone, I could move on and my thoughts would not continue to return to the affair and any future possible scenarios between them. But I don't have that luxury right now.

The reason BMOW remains in our lives, I think, has to do with all the lies and trash he told BMOW about me during their affair, and according to my H, she hates me with quite a passion. Yes, I understand how her perception of me is based on lies and it is too late to change that, but H says that she is so vengeful that if she EVER learned that he left her to return to me, she would do her best to ruin his and my life in any way she can. So he lets her keep playing happily at the internet business, maintaining her connection to him, he says to protect me from further hurt from her. That is the "hold" I refer to that she continues to have on him and us. He thinks she will just go away in time. I wonder just how long getting to that day is going to take. Sigh...

It IS helping me to destroy all the evidence I come across in the house, even though my H thinks I am reliving the past when I do so. If he won't destroy it, then how in the world am I going to remove it from our lives?? I may be reliving the past as I destroy the evidence, but I don't think it needs to be in the house any longer. Plus, what about the stuff I may not find until, say, a few years down the road? Because he didn't have the consideration to remove it before I came home, I get to feel the pain again. I do not look forward to that. That is why I am trying to find it all and get rid of it NOW!

What has greatly contributed to my negative attitude has been the lack of intimacy these past few months. We did so well just after reconciling and then my H just seemed to lose interest in the act itself--and I would classify him as a high desire man, even sexually addicted to a point, etc. We have discussed this topic, but so far he is not doing a thing about it. It leaves me with a sense that it is not important enough to our relationship to see a doctor to determine what is causing it, IF that is the problem and NOT something emotional, because it has us on a plateau as far as the reconciliation goes, and we are not moving forward. After our talk yesterday, my H did at least say that if he still feels no interest for another week, he would go see a doctor. I accept that as a start.

I went back and re-read Heart's Blessing's thread on the 6 stages of MLC and was reminded that when they come out of it, they are completely different people. I just wonder if he has now become the EXACT opposite in this area of what he was before. If that is the case, I have some adjustments to make myself.

So, I have refocused. I will continue to destroy evidence because that is a form of letting go for me. I just pray that I can find it all at this point in time. I am back to re-reading all my self-help books. I have the Love Busters book, so I will look for the similar scenario in it you mention. I am immersing myself in church activities again. I am going to work on me again. I kind of forgot about my self improvement when the reconciliation began, but it is time to take care of me again, and in turn, my marriage will continue to improve. I intend to set some fresh goals, too.

H and I are spending all day tomorrow together. We are taking a day trip. I need to go get some things together for it, so must run.

Thanks for posting!

God Bless,
LG

((((LG)))))
Just stopped by to see your new digs. I'll be in touch.

Hi SC,

Thanks for stopping by. I emailed you last night.

My day trip with H on Monday was pleasant. I guess it could be described as the kind of good time that two platonic friends can have.

I apologize if I sound bitter. I am really trying to put it behind me. This is one of few places that I can vent so that my H or R doesn't receive it. I am in the process of detaching again to lessen my continued hurt and am back to acting as if everything is ok and focusing on myself again and not on our platonic R. I started re-reading the DB book and DR is next, followed by a long line of others.

One thing that I have mentioned that has also gotten me down is the gap in H's and my spirituality. On a positive note, my H is actually looking forward to part one of a program that airs tonight for two hours on PBS that addresses the existence of God. It has received very good reviews. One of the comments in the critique of the program was, "It might even restore (or enhance) your faith." My H was very intrigued by that statement! So I am rushing home from church tonight to watch it with him. I am going to try to get him to tape it for future reference. I pray that we are progressing to him wanting to see The Passion of the Christ at a point in the future.

So, I believe I am at a point that I can state a goal:

Redirect my focus to H's salvation and remove my focus from his lack of desire for me

I tend to think that God's will would require this of me and that He will solve my H's desire issue for me in His time according to His will. I just need to continue to be patient and work on bearing that fruit in my life.

Well, I need to work on a shopping list and then go implement it. Have a good Wednesday everyone.

God Bless,
LG

HI LG,

I heard about that special on PBS while driving into work and am looking forward to watching it myself. I watch Joyce Meyer A LOT and love her insights and her realness.

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I tend to think that God's will would require this of me and that He will solve my H's desire issue for me in His time according to His will. I just need to continue to be patient and work on bearing that fruit in my life.

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Amen!

Cathy