For a long time I have felt that my M was just for show or convenience. To cover up his a-sexuality, maybe? To help him get ahead in his life and career at my expense?
With the STBX so un-communicative, I will never know for sure and he may never figure it out either. I was in limbo for a long time, too tired and exhausted to try working on the M anymore, too scared to try anything different as far as me moving on with my life.
You may be able to survive in that mode for quite awhile but is survival all that there is to life? I think that happiness is a better option, so I'm taking a chance for happiness. I know that the kids are really young and that weighs heavily on you, deciding what would be best for them, too. Many lives are affected and options must be evaluated.
No one wins, but why is it always us that has to lose all of the time? I got tired of losing my soul to a black hole of depression and being ignored by my H. I wish you well.
thanks for stopping by. Ya, I'm doing ok...been lurking a bit without much to say...well I always have something to say but know that most often it's not what people want to hear (in regard to others sits).
I think I have to have a talk with h soon. I don't like the way I feel about things right now and don't know what to do about it and sitting with it myself sure isn't helping.
The more I just sit with things and go about my business of keeping myself generally happy the further away from him I feel and then well....thoughts of why the hell did he have to go and do this (ow and leaving) to us.
I don't really want to have an argument with him I just want to let him know that I'm feeling really stuck and wonder if perhaps he could offer up some ideas.
One of the biggest things I'm stuck on that I know he can't help with is the question of exactly wtf was his a all about? he goes from accepting it as an a to then saying "you can call it that if you want" I just don't know. I don't want to torture the guy for the rest of his life for what he did but I can't suffer in silence either.
of course timing of such a conversation will be difficult since there always seems to be something else adding stress to his life...
we'll see..
on a more positive note...
I'm not one to give play by play daily logs anymore but figure this ones pretty good...
h went to the game last night (go pats) and called me several times...on the way there, once there and then again during the game...I was trying to fall asleep during the last call (had an awful headache) so didn't have much to say and well h closed with ILY and the words just didn't come back from me. I felt bad but what can I do? so this am when he called I answered the phone in my usual playful manner "dominos" (I change resteraunts at random) chatted for a bit and closed with "oh btw, ILY too!
I should also add that h tried to initiate twice the begining of this week...the first night I declined with good reason (the end of a week if ya know what I mean) the second? well I declined cause I think I was just being bithcy figuring I don't want too cause I don't feel close to you (weird for me since I always wanted to whenever). Now I feel bad about that but what can ya do? perhaps I wont decline if there is a next time.
Sometimes you just don't want to be very active on the boards because you are so drained and I'm getting that feeing that you are at that point. It takes lots of energy to try to work with what you have and still get no resolution from your efforts.
I doubt if you will ever get your questions answered like I know that I will never get mine answered. That's not what we want, but that is the reality of our lives.
Having a realtionship can be a stress on anyone's life. He knows, or should know by now that you are not happy with the bits and pieces that he gives to the kids and to you, that you would really like him to be more involved. Sounds like he is really married to his business and that is a hard mistress to detach from. It's hard to fight that mistress, I know.
With lots of guys, as long as there is a paycheck brought home and some small amounts of affection here and there, that's all that they are capable of giving, but is that what you bargained for when you said "I do?" I could consider my STBX's mistress to be his work, but I rarely got any affection from him, just the paycheck dumped into the joint account and he expected that to be enough. I know that you need more, too.
I hope that your weekend is better. Weather here is supposed to be just lovely and that will help with the painting. Hopefully I'll move in a couple of weeks.
Thought I would stop in and say hi. I haven't been around much for a few months. Guess there are no more similarities between our H's...yours is initiating intimacy with you...mine is still off with someone else And it still hurts. Anyway, I hope you can keep seeing the positives and make things work. I can see that it is not an easy journey, but I would still rather take that road than the one I am on. Just when I think I am doing okay, something (most recently a new R with someone) opens it all up again.
But anyway, not much else to say, so I'll just send a hug {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LL}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Quote: Sometimes you just don't want to be very active on the boards because you are so drained and I'm getting that feeing that you are at that point. sometimes I just don't feel like being active on the boards because the advice I'd give is likely too real for most to deal with. they want a plan of action to win back some turd who's running around with a looser and taking their life away instead of a plan of action to get their own life. It takes lots of energy to try to work with what you have and still get no resolution from your efforts. In the end it will be my h who gets nothing...I will have a life..may not have the best marriage but hey that's not for everyone now is it.
I doubt if you will ever get your questions answered like I know that I will never get mine answered. My hope is that one day I just wont care to ask them anymore. That's not what we want, but that is the reality of our lives. I was once told "reality is what you make it" well that's fine and dandy and I make make MY reality what I want but that doesn't seem to apply to marriages...it is what it is and well perhaps it will at some point be consistant..who knows.
Having a realtionship can be a stress on anyone's life. He knows, or should know by now that you are not happy with the bits and pieces that he gives to the kids and to you, that you would really like him to be more involved. he certainly does know...however as I've said many times over he comes from different stock...a stock that to this day still believes a mans place is paying the bills and then resting up watching sports and a womans place is in the home cooking and cleaning and caring for the children..can't change a person now can I?
Sounds like he is really married to his business and that is a hard mistress to detach from. It's hard to fight that mistress, I know. deciding to not fight it...instead I will live my life and he will miss out.
With lots of guys, as long as there is a paycheck brought home and some small amounts of affection here and there, that's all that they are capable of giving, but is that what you bargained for when you said "I do?" I think the answer is a clear NO! strange thing is though I was trying to accept that he was just one of those guys...he can't be though becuase then there wouldn't have been ow would there? I could consider my STBX's mistress to be his work, but I rarely got any affection from him, just the paycheck dumped into the joint account and he expected that to be enough. I know that you need more, too. what to do?
I hope that your weekend is better. Weather here is supposed to be just lovely and that will help with the painting. Hopefully I'll move in a couple of weeks. hope you find what it is your looking for.
Thought I would stop in and say hi. I haven't been around much for a few months. Guess there are no more similarities between our H's...yours is initiating intimacy with you... trust me it's a rare occurance and a lame attempt when it does occur mine is still off with someone else And it still hurts. I suspect it always will...perhaps a little less with time. Anyway, I hope you can keep seeing the positives and make things work. I keep looking for those needles in the haystack. I can see that it is not an easy journey, but I would still rather take that road than the one I am on. the grass isn't always greener...it is best to find peace in the position you find yourself rather than wishing you were in another. Just when I think I am doing okay, something (most recently a new R with someone) opens it all up again. time heals most wounds or at least they don't itch as much.
But anyway, not much else to say, so I'll just send a hug {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LL}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Robin
I thought of you this spring when a robin made itself a nest up on the rafters in my garage...It hatched it's eggs and flew away...we gave the nest to the new kindergarten teacher.
what baffles me most about the majority of posters on this site is how they become so willing to bend over backwards trying to win back someone who is or has been treating them like a third rate person when they instead should be bending over backwards to make their life better for the most important person...themselves!
Haven't read nor posted to you in awhile. It's football season isn't it! Your favorite time of year...NOT. IS your H going to be going to all the games again? Does he have season tickets?
Quote: what baffles me most about the majority of posters on this site is how they become so willing to bend over backwards trying to win back someone who is or has been treating them like a third rate person when they instead should be bending over backwards to make their life better for the most important person...themselves!
Hi LL,
Does it have to be an either/or scenario?
here's what happened for me: h drops bomb/having EA
I want M, he doesnt
I find DB
I adopt the DB practices that seem to stop pushing him away
I take a good hard look at ME and see some things I'm not happy/proud of
I decide to work on those things to improve ME so even if my M doesn't get "saved" I will feel good about looking myself in the mirror
Changes I make in myself lead to very positive changes in h, M
etc.
Was I bending over backwards to save my M? Or was I bending over backwards to improve myself/my life?
I think it was the latter and the former was the added bonus.
I know your feelings aren't "new" but they seem more pronounced today -- did something happen or has it been building up?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
And it still hurts. Anyway, I hope you can keep seeing the positives and make things work. I can see that it is not an easy journey, but I would still rather take that road than the one I am on. Just when I think I am doing okay, something (most recently a new R with someone) opens it all up again.
