Well done with the Weight Loss! I started with a bang two weeks ago and now it hasn't budged off me for the last few days - oh well. This is the time it is important not to fall off the wagon. It requires DISCIPLINE, which I need to cultivate. DBing also requries discipline, doesn't it? Because most of the stuff is counter intuitive.
Back to what I said earlier - this may be a long haul yet, whether H returns or not, so get out of the rut for YOU.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Found out today H's new OW is now living where he lives w/ his friends. (She is a friend of theirs that he met) He keeps talking about getting his own place in November. Last week he said it was to be by himself & closer to work but now he says it will be in the area he is in now. I'm guessing as of right now she may move w/ him - now that they have been together a whopping 6 weeks. So now, the place he is living has 4 adults, 5 kids full time & one kid every other weekend. Sounds like a fun swinging singles life now doesn't it ?
I feel like I am getting better about things, detaching & such. Just trying to do my own thing but I do miss him. We talked a bit today at work - his boss died of a heart attack Monday so we were talking about that. Conversation was going fine but then I asked him if he had a girlfriend. I know - bad, bad, bad
He asked if I really wanted to know & I said I wanted to know the truth. I can't say I was upset because I pretty much knew, but I was surprised she is living there. It sounds like she is everything he said he never wanted in a GF - 4 kids from different dads, living off child support, etc. He always told me he couldn't believe how lucky he was to find me because he figured he would end up w/ some trashy girl w/ a bunch of kids that weren't his & want him to support her.
I know I shouldn't have brought it up. He said I have to let it go - he has moved on from me. I said I know that & I am trying to also. But I also said I still miss him & it hurts. He said I don't miss him, just miss having someone. But, I truly do miss him. Said I was sorry (sarcasticly) that I still had feelings for my own H. He finally said he still has feelings for me but it's over & he is moving on.
Not sure where to go from here. I've been working hard at acting happy when I see him but I still backslide some. I am friendly if I see him in the morning at work, but I don't go looking for him like I used to. I'm afraid that he may have fallen in to a situation w/ this OW because she was around when he needed her & now he won't back out of it. But, I also fear that maybe he really thinks he is in "love" w/ her. I know I can't control it but it is hard to know how to act when I'm not sure what his feelings are for her. I've known or known about other OW's/friendds that have been around him in the last year & I knew he would probably get tired of them. But, I don't know her so I guess there is fear of the unknown...
As I've said before, he tends to be "out of sight, out of mind" about things. He told me in the past that when he saw me everday it made him want to make things work. But, now I think his mind is somewhere else. I feel like maybe it is time to file, but I am apprehensive about that. I guess I am trying to move on w/out the D being official & see what happens but I know friends & family think it is time for me to do it. H obviously thinks we are apart whether we are D or not - says it shouldn't matter who he sees because we are not together.
One thing I am learning is that when I make the conversation go "south" by questioning him, etc, he will have been nice til then & then start pushing my buttons - about money, not paying bills, saying he is going to take things from the house, etc. Think I would learn when the same thing keeps happening over & over.
On a positive note - lost 4 more lbs this week. Long way to go but I seem to be in the right mindset for it now.
I think it is time for me to read DR again. I feel like I have lost my focus on how to act w/ H. Need to reinforce it in my mind.
I also know that my main focus right now has to be on me - losing weight for me, concentrating on my finances & my house. I feel the best when I am doing these things. There are just times when I can't push the thoughts of H away & start to wallow in it all... how did we end up here??
I know I've asked before, but do you think it is really possible to be going thru a MLC at 30 years old? H certainly shows a number of the traits of a MLC.
One of the things i will miss about H's boss (someone I knew pretty well at work also) is he was always telling H to "get his head out of his a** & get back home"
I'm starting to think this is over. I know I haven't been the best at DBing so maybe that is why. I ask H questions that I don't think I really want to hear the answers to. I guess that I ask because I think I will then know what I am up against.
H is going to be moving to a new place pretty soon w/ new GF & her kids - 4 girls I think. He said he likes the direction things are moving w/ her - they can really communicate, don't argue, are from more similar backgrounds so they understand each other better etc. She is everything I am not he says. Funny, I was once everything he thought he would never have - the best thing that ever happened to him. Said I need to stop hanging on to us because he is w/ her & that is where he wants to be. I of course have to try to tell him all the negatives I see which is obviously a big mistake. He says we moved to fast when we got together but they are doing the same. He says they are not. Says he is really happy. I say you were really happy w/ me in the 1st 6 weeks of our relationship too. He wanted to marry me the 1st month we were together.
Asked him why we ML after he started going out w/ her if it was so right from the start. Why he was talking about our future if it was so right w/ her. No response from him - I am just crazy of course & took everything said & done wrong.
I know i should shut up - why don't I do it? I want so badly to convince him that he is wrong. But, logic says that the more I tell him he is wrong, the more it will push him towards her.
Talked to my mom for a long time tonight on the phone. We never talk about H because she totally disagrees w/ me not letting go a long time ago. I cried alot, explained why I feel how I do. She thinks we are too different & if I really care about him as much as it seems (which she can't understand because she thinks the bad outweighs the good by now, how could I possibly love someone who has hurt me so much) then I should let him go & file for D because that is the best for him. She thinks not Ding him is just postponing the inevitable. That our backgrounds are too different & although he may envy mine & want to be a part of it (caring & supportive family,etc ), she believes that he can't handle having people care about him that much so he backs off. She thinks he is doing everything possible to push me away to show that he can't do this & that I won't let him go. I understand what she is saying but she can't possibly understand how I feel, on the verge of a 2nd D, when she has been married for 37 years.
I don't know what to do anymore. I just know that I can't stand the thought of him w/ those feelings for someone else. I know he was w/ an OW when he 1st left, but this feels different.
I thought I was detaching but I guess not enough. It still hurts so much. He thinks it has been a year so I ahould be over it. I said maybe I would be if he wasn't always coming back around & talking about wanting to make it work.
I guess I don't feel like it is hurrying since H has been gone for over a year. Right now, I feel like he is moving on so maybe I should to. Getting alot of pushing from friends & family also - I know it is my choice but somedays I think they have a point. I don't talk about it much w/ anyone for this exact reason but I know many of them think I am being foolish by holding on & just putting off the inevitable.
Another reason is for my peace of mind due to finances. H has a truck that is in my name & his. I need to find out my options because I don't trust him to make the pmts. He doesn't care about his credit but I care about mine - what's left of it.
I know there are people on here that have been at this alot longer than me & people that have had their WAS come back after a couple years, even after living w/ OW etc. Guess this new OW situation has me feeling discouraged.
A far as myself - I've been trying to work on ways to keep myself busy. Been exercising more since starting weight loss & talking to friends again more. I am struggling w/ spending too much time alone tho. Most of my friends are now at a point in their lives where they are not available to go out or get together as much due to family commitments - kids, one just got married, another is pregnant etc. I need to figure out a way to meet some new people.
Thanks for checking in LNL. I'll stop by your thread soon.
