Well folks here I am in the final weeks of my pregnancy and it has been a long haul. Some women sail through this and love every (stinkin) minute of it, but I'm not one of them. H has done phenomenally better with this pregnancy than he did with the first two. There was literally no sex of any kind during those and I thought at times that I was losing my marbles.
Today I feel very down. H and I had a long talk last night and I feel that he still doesn't GET ME. What I am about, etc. After all this time, he still doesn't understand what all this means to me and how paramount it is to my personality. I understand that it is hard for him to comprehend, but at the same time I feel like he must be the world's biggest dipsh*t to still not be understanding. After all, I've only told him countless times and said it in the clearest language I possibly can. WHAT is there to not understand? What can he possibly not be getting?
You know, for so long he told me what his faith meant to him and I foolishly thought that if I downplayed it or refused to talk about it endlessly (as he loves to do) that he would chill out. I couldn't have been more wrong. But, I've seen the light on that one. I now realize that this is fundamental to who he is. It is not an on-the-side facet of his personality. I accept it and dare I say I am even learning to embrace this part of him. I have to try and remember to initiate the conversations with him--this is his true love language--but I do see it and GET IT now.
He took a vacation day on Friday and we started the day by ML. It was ok, but D2 interrupted us just as I was starting to orgasm by screaming at the door, "Mommy!!!! Mommy!!" So I never finished, although he did. I mentioned that I wanted to ML every morning and every night of our 3 day weekend. Why I set myself up like this, I do not know. My HD body gets ahead of my "know better" HD mind and I suggest these things that, if I took my time and thought things thru, I would never say. He enthusiastically agreed. So that night, no sex. The following morning, nada. I really felt pissed at this. I know I had no right to make the suggestion, knowing that it had only a small chance of happening, and then getting mad when it doesn't happen, but dammit--this is MY life too. When do I get to make suggestions and enjoy it when it happens? Why is everything on his timetable? Sometimes I just want the freedom to have the kind of weekend that I want to have.
So I could not shake my bad mood all day. Logically I knew I was being a jerk but I couldn't stop it. My body feels like crapola all the time now--sex is the one thing that brings me physical comfort and pleasure. I just wanted that. It is really that simple.
At bedtime I felt myself tense and angry and a discussion ensued between us. He said that he would like to have sex but I had been angry all day and he didn't want to have sex with an angry person. I countered by saying that I needed sex to feel positive about us again. He said that he needed the positivity to want sex and that it was the silliest thing he'd ever heard to think that sex should come before the emotions! I said in a loud and clear voice, "I NEED SEX TO FEEL CLOSE TO YOU." I cannot think of any other way to phrase it. I added that I didn't look down on him for the way he approaches it--I was just telling him that I am different. If he breaks a sexual date with me (or two) I will not feel positive and will not be able to find it within myself to be nice. He said that I should be nice regardless and that my actions should not hinge upon his. I agreed with that statement but pointed out that him not wanting sex with me is making HIS behavior hinge on my own.
He said that if I wanted sex I should have initiated something. I didn't feel that there needed to be a clear "initiator" since we had agreed that we would be having sex--and lots of it--this weekend. I just wanted to fall into a nice pattern and go with it. This pattern did not include him sleeping within 2.3 seconds of hitting the hay. He used his famous "just grab it" line and said that I should go for it if he is not living up to my expectations. I tried to explain to him that I knew I could get him phsyically aroused, if I needed to, but that what I really wanted was to know that he desires me. He sighed loudly and said, "Oh we're back to THAT again." (meaning the desire...yep, Cemar, you and I can't seem to drop that rope) I told him that his words (I desire you) and behavior do not mesh, they contradict each other. I really believe that, to him, desiring someone is a bit like liking a particular food. You would never say that you do not like devils food cake simply because you haven't had it in a while. You would even go so far as to say how much you loved it and how tasty it was and damn it sure sounds good right now, etc. But at the same time, it is not something you seek out every day of your life and long periods will go where you don't eat any cake at all. Doesn't mean you don't desire it, right. I think that is how he views sexual desire, as well. So in his mind, he does desire me and quite strongly. In my mind, he desires me when his body needs release. Other than that, he is not aware of his sexual urges.
HP: I wish you would just be honest with me. You say you desire me but your actions don't back that up. Mr.HP: What do you want me to say, then? HP: I am thinking something like "I don't desire you right now, but after the baby is born I expect that I will start to again." MrHP: That's not how I feel. (loooooong pause) Well ok that is actually closer to the truth than not. I don't desire you a lot right now, but I think it will get better. HP: Long exhale........Dag NAB it. (hey folks I know it is a corny thing to say but it was better than the other choice phrases that instantly popped to mind) MrHP: You ASKED for honesty!! Then I give it to you and it upsets you! HP: Well I'm not gonna lie to you...I don't like hearing that I am not sexually attractive to you right now but it does confirm what I knew to be true anyway. You know how sometimes you just sense something but you can't get a straight answer from someone? That's how I was feeling. MrHP: (feeling guilty) Maybe we should just have sex... HP: I want sex right now, but not with you.
That's where the conversation essentially ended.
I know many of you are thinking, Honey what's the big deal..you wait a few more weeks and then go back to your normal routine. Well, this is an exaggerated version of our normal routine. All of these issues were there before I was pg, just on a much lesser scale. Back then the frequency was not the issue but creativity and spontaneity and him showing his desire was.
Today I am left with the overwhelming feeling of being TIRED. Tired of this fight to make things better. In all the relationship books they will tell you that one partner can change things for the better by themselves and I wholeheartedly believe that. What I am now also beginning to believe is that, at some point, your partner MUST step up to the plate. He has come a long way but I don't believe that he has the interest to take it any further. In other words, he just doesn't GET ME and the level of importance that I place on this.
Earlier in the day he asked what the five love languages were..he had overheard his sister and I talking about a mutual friend and what her LL was. I told them to him and he said that he thought he was Acts of Svc and I agreed. Then he said, "Well you are definitely Quality Time." I just looked at him in disbelief. How can he not understand after all this time and you folks know that I am not a pussyfooting sort of person. I tell him in plain language because I want no misunderstandings. So where am I going wrong in helping him to understand what I am all about?
Lately, I have been thinkin of NOPkins and his situation and wondering if my H isn't just so wrapped up in his role as provider that he literally can't see anything else. Wondering if we are going to come out of this fog we are in and really begin to "see" each other, eventually. It's as if he is so consumed with his roles as a provider and father that he just CANNOT be a husband right now. There is not enough left of him to go around.
Well this is getting awfully lengthy so I will sign off. Wish me luck in being a better and more cheerful person today and rising above this funk that I am sinking into.
But ya gotta keep in mind, HP, that first of all, you are pregnant, and second of all, you are pregnant. With that comes a 'thou shalt not screw with me,' mentality (not screw me, but not screw with me). I mean, seriously, who in the world can be more 'lay out there like it is,' than a pregnant woman? Not many that I know of.
I think you should vent here, especially in your last trimester, but I also say this from the heart: do not take yourself seriously about anything right now (at the risk of losing my head). Especially yourself, you know? Let 'it,' whatever 'it' may be, funnel it's way through, but don't hang on to whatever funnels its way through.
After the baby... about three months after the baby, you can start taking yourself seriously again.... do you know what I mean?
First of all, listen to Corri and the fact taht you are probably hormonal to some degree.
Secondly, I'm going to focus on the following statement because I've been through this already and it's taken me some time to understand.
Quote:
H and I had a long talk last night and I feel that he still doesn't GET ME. What I am about, etc. After all this time, he still doesn't understand what all this means to me and how paramount it is to my personality.
Why do you feel like he *should* "get you"? Do you really care if he "gets you" if his behavior doesn't change? Wanting someone to "Get you" is a fusion-fantasy. If it's to take some of the difficult effort away from having a meeting between the sheets, then you are talking about "behavior". I was desperately wanting my W to *know* how I functioned so I could offload the responsibility to her sometimes because I was so tired and fearful of her response. It goes back to "shared functioning and how "giving up" a behavior can sometimes lead to your spouse taking it over that behavior on their own...the flip-flop.
Just hang in there through the preg and use that time to not worry about any of this.
-Dave (falling asleep at the keys).
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I love you too dear honeypot. When you are feeling down just remember that there are half a dozen of us HD guys on this board who have part of their hearts lost to you and who all wish you well with your new baby and your relationship with your H. SD xx
And let's not forget the gals on the board who feel HP is da bomb and can't wait for the arrival of our very first SSM baby! Ok, so I'm fused with the baby thing and will be a grandma on Sept 26 ( the puppy).
Honey, right now I feel it's best if you ride out the storm of the pregnancy. I remember last winter when we had a big snowstorm and I kpet trying to stay ahead of the snow and would shovel after a couple of inches, only to see my efforts being wiped away as more snow fell. I expended a lot of needless energy when the best thing would have been to stay inside, enjoy the beauty of it all, have a cup of hot chocolate and relax. When the blizzard of the pregnancy is over, I have no doubt you'll pull out your SSM/PM/ BB snowblower and dig in. For now, enjoy these final stages as best you can...we are all excited for you! IHJ---who will now leave the metaphors to MM
Gosh, there's more sap here than in Vermont in October.
What's with telling HP that she should vent here and be sweet to her hubby? Having lived through a wife's pregnancy three times, I have to say, give him hell! Who got you preggers? He did. Who should have to deal with all the hormonal, physical, emotional stuff you need to vent? He should. I'm kidding to some extent, of course, as I love it when HP vents here...it smells so swwwwwweeeeeet. But I remember that my ex once did this:
(while leaving work one day, driving past the Folger's Coffee plant, an obvious odor of coffee in the air. X is 6 months preggers)
X: I smell chocolate.
H: No, that would be coffee.
X: I know what I smell. It is chocolate.
H: Okay, you smell chocolate.
X: I want to eat some chocolate.
H: We have to get home. We probably have some chocolate there.
X: No, I want some really good chocolate. And I want it now.
H: We really have to get home.
X: You don't understand. I want it NOW.
Upon pain of death, I ended up taking her to a restaurant known for its "chocolate bar" (think salad bar, but mostly brown, and entirely unhealthy, although very tasty).
My point is, whether or not you are thinking, acting, or speaking rationally, you are pregnant, pissed, and he should know this. I think of it as God's way of making the man think twice the next time he has unprotected sex with his W. It's like natural birth control.
So go ahead, vent here, but don't fail to live honestly and openly and loudly at home.
Awwww HP, I feel for ya. I would bet alot of it is hormonal. Kinda agree with Hairydoggie there, and I can't wait to hear about the first SSM baby either. Afterall, my son has already told me he probably will never get married and have kiddies..... says hes afraid they will grow up to be like him LOL, I have a "grand dog" sheesh
Dave, Ok so I used some fusey language (get me) but what I was trying to say is that, despite me telling him repeatedly, he still refuses to acknowledge that this is what I want from him.
I have that "blue in the face" feeling on a weekly basis nowadays from telling him again and again that this is what I want from him. I don't really know what the problem is but I can tell you that it goes deeper than the pregnancy.
However, I know that you all are correct in saying that this aint the time to fry that particular fish.
I am just barely hanging on here...the last weeks of pregnancy suck in an extra special way. My body and my mind are going nutz from no sex and my body and mind are going nutz from the impending birth. Can anyone say DOUBLE FRICKIN WHAMMY!
Plus, it just really chaps my arse that he has, within his powers, the ability to ease my physical suffering (yes I'm intentionally being dramatic with that line:) and he chooses not to. Even in light of me asking (begging) him to do so. And I'm not talking solely about sex...this applies to backrubs, blahblahblah. If this was him, I really would take better care of him. He would agree with that, btw. He really is a good man who is totally devoted to me. His position is that he has nothing left to give me at the end of the day. What a crock!
Last night we finally ML. It was awkward for both of us but we made it through.
I also think I should just give up on not mb for the remainder of this preg. He is NOT going to meet my sexual needs and it is better than becoming a shrew every week or so and guilting him into ML to me.
On a completely different note, I feel myself drawing inward towards this baby and pregnancy. Away from my two older kids (the last being just a baby herself, sniffle) and my house and all the other normal things that usually take up most of my brain space. I have a very big job ahead of me, delivering this child, and I find myself doing a lot of mental prep work these days. Natural childbirth is a wonderful and empowering process but it sure is scary as hell, nonetheless!
Now, if I could just concentrate on these things in my life without having to attend to my body which is screaming at me due to H's neglect, then I would be in good shape.
Maybe Mr. HP "desires" a non-preggy you, one that can think rationally and give him a break once in a while instead of being on his ASS all the time about ML? I know *I* didn't want to touch my W when she was 8+ months pregnant because, to me, it "wasn't her" and any attempt to be physical was awkward, somewhat painful, and quite unappealing.
