I know this was a few posts back but I was reading through and this hit me:
Quote: Funny thing about expectations ... we seem to be very particular in how we feel others should address them. So much so that in a R where both are working on strengthening the bond, in a lot of cases we miss their way of expressing their efforts to meet our expectations, because their way is not our envisioned method.
There's a grave danger to this type of tunnel vision ... for we lose appreciation in knowing they are meeting our expectations but just in a different way. They lose the encouragement of having their efforts noticed for what they are. They are trying the best way they know how and if neglected they begin to start feeling those efforts are just not good enough and before you know it ... they begin to dwindle. We begin to pick up on their shift in attitude towards the R and become more starved from the lack of nurturing ... a vicious cycle it becomes in a downward spiral. This I can tell you from experience.
Wow, the perspective on expectations this gave me! In my sitch I am expecting to have more and more contact, wanting to increase to more intimate contact, more "date" like contact. And I almost missed the importance of my W having lunch with me regularly! She says she enjoys it, and has told me she wants to get to know me again.. this is positive, I have just had my expectations too high/focused! I need to back it down a notch and let things grow on their own.
Thanks for the new POV slowly!
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
Slowly, this thing about NG needing to recover from OW. Are you finding yourself able to be patient with it, both out of empathy and having a longer vision of where the M can go? Or are you gritting your teeth? Somewhere in between? And is NG grumpy as well as distant?
Hi X - Yes, indeed, this thing about expectations can snowball so quickly. KAW's perspective on how NG as a man may think that what he is doing is great was like someone shining a flashlight on a dark spot in the garden, the flowers had been growing, I just did not have the light to see them before.
But, I am also finding it tough to continuously moderate, even compromise, what I want out of life. To what extent, and for how long to my wants take a backseat? At what point will I decide the relationship is no longer attractive to me? I suppose only time will tell.
Not surprising you're in a slump, under the circumstances, when you've been giving so much (esp of patience). Since you're speaking hypothetically, I assume you're NOT there in terms of deciding that's it's not attractive to stay....venting frustration?
So what are the positives that keep you there? There are so many. NG's out of town, right? What are you doing to anchor yourself these days when the current negatives threaten to engulf the potential positive future?
Everything I have read suggests that when both partners are back in the marriage and willing to work that the prognosis is good. That the wayward spouse has to go through withdrawal for a *while* and that this is very painful, but if can see it through there will be a turn-around. I think the key is how to take care of yourself in the meantime. I suppose the big assumption I'm making is, is NG really committing to the marriage--do you think he is? And willing to work? In which case, it'll be okay. I think the letter to OW was a brilliant start.
Hi GBO - Intellectually I know that I should expect these mood swings, but darn it, they are still difficult to cope with All I can say is once again, being able to vent here is such a Godsend....
A big part of my less that positive outlook at the moment is due to the demise of an ex-schoolfriend. He passed away at the weekend, at the age of 40, after 3 weeks in ICU, not recovering from a simple viral infection. He is leaving behind his wife, a 7 yr old son and 3 month old daughter. I have not seen him in over 20 years, though we have been on email. My classmates are literally scattered to the 4 corners of the world, and email has been our main mode of staying in touch. I'm sad for his family, and struggling with regret for the lost opportunity to spend more time with him.
Kind of puts the drama with NG into some perspective. Slowly
could not walk away from this quote that popped in my mail today
Quote: "Outstanding leaders go out of their way to boost the self-esteem of their personnel. If people believe in themselves, it's amazing what they can accomplish. High expectations are the key to everything. "
-Sam Walton
with this kind of workplace 'motivational' stuff, its no wonder so many of us struggle to go the other end with relationships
I'm very sorry to hear about your friend. What a tragedy....no wonder you are feeling sad. Even without seeing him in person all these years, losing someone this young has to shake you up. Will you be attending a service?
Well, the service was yesterday, and I could not attend as it is in his hometown some 400 miles away. But I'll be driving up to see his wife next Monday, so happens I have to visit a client in the same town on Tuesday, will just go up an extra day.
Been getting updates from some other friends who did go to the service, and have spent time with his wife, so am feeling much better. We all seem to have a role to play, it is always good to be actually DOING something.
NG is still out of town, he called me in the morning, but since then nothing. Wonder what he is feeling, thinking. I'm no closer to understnding my travel companion. I did notice that OW's numbers are still programmed in his mobile phone - not really snooping as we use each other's phone liberally - all he said is that he will erase the numbers 'when he is ready' whatever that means
Going to get some more KLA stuff done today - I'm no closer to understanding myself either Slowly
Slowly 
Slowly