Quote: Keeping expectations low seems to be a good philosophy for life in general, but in this case, it seems to be the fundamental to avoiding insanity.
Funny thing about expectations ... we seem to be very particular in how we feel others should address them. So much so that in a R where both are working on strengthening the bond, in a lot of cases we miss their way of expressing their efforts to meet our expectations, because their way is not our envisioned method.
There's a grave danger to this type of tunnel vision ... for we lose appreciation in knowing they are meeting our expectations but just in a different way. They lose the encouragement of having their efforts noticed for what they are. They are trying the best way they know how and if neglected they begin to start feeling those efforts are just not good enough and before you know it ... they begin to dwindle. We begin to pick up on their shift in attitude towards the R and become more starved from the lack of nurturing ... a vicious cycle it becomes in a downward spiral. This I can tell you from experience.
So Slowly, I see lotsa sign that NG is trying in his own way to meet your expectations. Learn to accept them for what they are ... as equals to you how you hope he'd show you, because he in his mind he's putting as much effort into it as you preceive he should be and make sure you thank him so he too knows you notice.
Hope this made sense, its my version of the whole Mars vs. Venus thing.
Slowly -- Thanks for the visit on my thread...I can learn so much from your sitch and the way that you are handling it...acknowlegement of the questions and possible pitfalls but also recognizing that time is your friend...as is the renewed foundation that you and h are building.
would also like to thank those who have visited you here..Pen, Maya, KAW among others...I too benefit from the insights that you offer to Slowly -- a double impact of your wise words!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Maya - As often is the case, you ask questions I was hoping to not go near just yet, but I think it is time to take the plunge.
Quote: When you say you have your own understanding of why this happened, does it include the possibility that very little had to do with you?
Yes and no. Most of this stems from a childhood that constantly squashed his confidence. He is the third in the family of super achieving intellectual siblings; his academic record was not sterling. His parents, while not bickering with each other, seemed to have taken pleasure in running him down. Fast forward to when we met - we were both in school together, and were very attracted and comfortable with each other. However, over the past 10 years, the path of our careers have diverged, and mine has taken a much higher profile than his. Some of the things he has let drop recently tells me there is a lot of pain associated with not being recognised for his own acheivements. There are many other side bars to this theme, but I believe OW was his way to establishing something to boost his self confidence, and believe me, NG is a much stronger guy now than he was 2 years ago. But this is of course my theory
So for us, understanding why is the mechanism to get to the deeper issue of NG's self esteem. How did I contribute to it? I was frankly so wrapped up in myself I was not the kind of partner he needed. I have real passion for my job, it is interesting and challenges me. Somewhere along the line I had failed to give NG the kind of attention he wanted - something OW was happy to do. Post the A, well, let's just say that I have had a long hard look at my own priorities and as exciting as the job is, it is taking a back seat to my family and friends, NG being top of that list.
It is of course 230 in the morning here; we had a great evening, met some friends at the local pub, wonderful food, lots of emotional connection between NG and I before we went to sleep.
I asked him if he'd had second thoughts about the email he'd sent, and as it happens sometimes, the floodgates open and he shared much of what the past few weeks have been like for him, the increasing realisation that there was nothing left in the R with OW. I notice that he is never the one to initiate these discussions, but if I manage to pick the right time, he can talk So I shall continue to do what works.
I'm being plagued by hayfever, and am just going to walk these board a bit more till the medication kicks in. Found an incredible post by Mrs Hopeful over at TotallyShocked's thread
Quote: Just a thought on your hope situation. Have you ever read the book "A Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankle. It is a beautiful book about his time in the Concentration Camps. Anyway the whole book is about hope in the midst of the terrible and I thought you might like this quote:
Don't aim at success - the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long-run - in the long-run, I say! - success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think about it.
And one more because I love this guy and who better to take advice from than someone survived the worst:
Those who know how close the connection is between the state of mind of a man - his courage and hope, or lack of them - and the state of immunity of his body will understand that the sudden loss of hope and courage can have a deadly effect.
Just something to think about. This why I hold hope for all of us. Because if people could survive this and lead happy lives then we have hope to have our highest desires come true. I in no way wish to downplay the horrors of the holocaust by imgaining that it is anything like being left. I would never ever diminish what these people endured. I have the highest reverence and respect for thise who survived and for those that did not.
Hi Believe - Thanks for stopping by - and congratulations on Kadence Faith
Yes, NG and I are connecting more, and are getting stronger both as individuals and as partnership. We know there is much work ahead, but at least pressure from external forces seem to be abating now.
Happy Monday everyone. Had an epiphany over the weekend.
Quote: So for us, understanding why is the mechanism to get to the deeper issue of NG's self esteem.
Actually, I do not need to link the two at all I need to be aware that he has some issues, and be sensitive to them. I don't own these problems, not by a long shot.
Right. Those of us who have tried to own or to fix our H's problems (self-esteem, depression, wounded child stuff, etc.) have ended up being resented. The good part--I hope--of this midlife crash is that they learn to own their own problems and begin to deal with them in a better way. Less medication (alcohol, OW, whatever) and more taking responsibility for their feelings.
Which isn't to say don't be responsible for yourself--as for me, I was insensitive and selfish at times--just be clear on the boundaries.
What a good epiphany, Slowly. I hope things are continuing to head in a good direction.
Hi KAW - Your Mars Venus perspective on expectations has been a Godsend. I spent the weekend observing NG a little more objectively, and indeed did find that in his own way, he is trying to get thing to a better place. So once again, there is learning. For us to navigate through the restoration of our relationship to something stronger, I'll need to remain focused on goals and babysteps, watch for positives and figure out to handle the downs as we encounter them.
An important issue that we need to deal with is NG (apparently) not feeling appreciated by me So, at least a couple of times a day, I need to find opportunities to thank him, to acknowledge his importance in my life. This I do for myself as well as for him. By taking so much of what's around me for granted, I feel I have missed on so many joys. Pausing to articulate appreciation seems to make the wonder go further.
Quote: So for us, understanding why is the mechanism to get to the deeper issue of NG's self esteem. How did I contribute to it? I was frankly so wrapped up in myself I was not the kind of partner he needed. I have real passion for my job, it is interesting and challenges me. Somewhere along the line I had failed to give NG the kind of attention he wanted - something OW was happy to do. Post the A, well, let's just say that I have had a long hard look at my own priorities and as exciting as the job is, it is taking a back seat to my family and friends, NG being top of that list.
This is so true in my sitch as well, and played a big part in it. I have had a very successfull carieer that started after we were married, and have grown exponentially. W would make comments like "I will never be as (smart, successfull, etc) as you" - she felt like she was competing with me. I never successfully made her feel her contributions were worth just as much as mine - raising our kids, keeping our home, etc.
OM gets to come in and see just her, be just a noone, and make her feel good without the real life attached. I can do better, but right now it is easier for him to do so!
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
Hi X - Thanks for validating this observation, sometimes I think they are way off beat
Monday was an ok day, no real opportunity to show NG how much he is appreciated I suppose that is the funk I'm in right now, seems like we are both slipping back into our pre-A habits, and I really don't want that. I know he has to recover from the loss of OW, and that perhaps keeping insanely busy is one tactic. But once again, I'm feeling left out in the cold.
Tonite NG leaves on a 3 day trip. The time apart may be good for us. I really need to come up with a better plan to keep the awesome momentum we have built going.
Slowly 
So, at least a couple of times a day, I need to find opportunities to thank him, to acknowledge his importance in my life. This I do for myself as well as for him. By taking so much of what's around me for granted, I feel I have missed on so many joys. Pausing to articulate appreciation seems to make the wonder go further. 