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Slowly -- Wow. Your ability to view the closing email is such a gift! I think that your h does an excellent job at articulating how and why he wants to end things and also is quite clear that he is returning TO you pointedly.

I don't want to lead you down a cheeseless tunnel (one that I have frequently visited) but has your h told you what he thinks led to the A? What he may have been looking for? Partly curious and partly thinking that could be the place you may want to focus on as you guys move forward together.

Sage

Well, the letter sounds very nice - just be prepared for the possibility that H may have to get more forceful and say things like "Please do not EVER call or contact me again, I love my wife and I want you out of my life you manipulative b!t@#". It was only after OW continued to contact my h after he asked her not to that he began to see her manipulative side - then he sent her a final assertive letter and she went away (thank you God).

Ellie

Slowly, wow indeed. Though I agree with Ellie that OW may not take this as definite enough, the good news is definitely the words "I want" and all the stuff about wanting a R with *you.*

As I have been all along, I'm still perplexed by why he had the A in the first place (since he supposedly never wanted to leave you, right?).

Since I am one whose WAH has voiced resentful, angry, bitter thoughts about shortcomings, failures, selfishness, etc on my part......some definitely justified that I have worked/am working to change and some unfair or one-sided......I don't see my H writing these words for a long, long time. He *might* feel, and tell her, that he needs to return for the sake of the kids, but that is different, isn't it? And all of his negative thoughts about me are magnified as justification for continuing the affair. I guess my question is, was it ever like that for you? Or was he always this positive about you, and clear about wanting you, but hoping to have it all?

As hard as it is to believe it's real, I think you're in good shape here (and I'm glad!).

GBO

Hi stranger,

I looks like things are going much better for you.
I have been through a lot and not been able to concentrate on much of anything here lately.

Just wanted to check in on you and see how you are doing and to let you know my granddaughter was born Aug 18th
7 lbs 12 oz 20 1/4 inches long
Kadence Faith

She is the world to me and couldn't be more perfect if i had designed her myself. She looks so much like my son it is unreal. My son has calmed down since her birth and is really starting to take responsibility.

I am happy to hear things are going better for you and wanted to thank you for all your help and support


Believe

Hi Sage - Yes, I'm glad H understood the need for me to be part of his closure in order for us to heal properly together.

The 'why' is a subject I sense he is not yet ready to go near. I recall last week when I asked him if he regretted the A, and his response was that it was difficult to regret something he did not understand. And he added that he and I had 'the rest of our lives' to figure the whys. Thanks to Betsey's insightful pointer, most of this will need to happen when HE is ready, and not a minute sooner. I can only influence his readiness by getting on with my life

So, I'm continuing down this journey trying to keep in mind all the lessons learnt thus far, that patience is what I need all the time.

Slowly

Hi Ellie - I so know what you mean, except that this OW seems to be good at pulling the right strings to make NG do the chasing. Often it has been in the guise of her husband allagedly saying something about what NG had told her and she was confused

So it really comes down to how committed NG feels to his decision. I'm trying to keep my expectations low.

Slowly

Slowly,

yes, it’s always best to keep your expectations low. But from a former OWs perspective, I don’t think a relationship can recover from an e-mail such as this. Even if they do get back in touch (which I’m hoping they won’t), the relationship is finis. You see, a OP relationship built on “romance” has one justification and one only – the Married Person (MP) claims he doesn’t love his or her spouse, but is staying in the marriage because of Difficult Things(insert any number of reasons here, from kids to family to money). Even if it isn’t true (and in most cases it isn’t, since most people are capable of feeling “love” for more than one person at once) it is necessary to maintain the phantasy.

NGs e-mail asserts just the opposite. He loves you and wants to work on rebuilding trust. Co-signed and copied to his wife, no less. If I, when I was still an OW, had ever received an e-mail even remotely similar neither of them would have seen hide nor hair out of me, ever. OW may or may not realize this, but their relationship is finished.

As for “why it happened”……I wouldn’t waste too much time over that. It happened. These things happen to people, even in good marriages. It’s much more important to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

I scanned over the Marriage Builders website before I found this one – I admit I disliked most of it, but one thing he said struck a chord (paraphrasing): Betrayed Spouses who come into couples therapy because of infidelity usually say “but I trusted him/her completely”. He replied: “You shouldn’t have. I don’t trust my wife “completely”, nor she me. No human being is completely trustworthy, because we are human. The important thing is to keep communication going on all levels."

I think communicating your feelings is exactly what you’ve been doing, and it seems to work. And he seems to feel safe to share his. I have a very strong feeling that you two will make it, Slowly. I’m rooting for you.

Pen

Hi Pen - Just the perspective I needed - thank you so much for stopping by.

Keeping expectations low seems to be a good philosophy for life in general, but in this case, it seems to be the fundamental to avoiding insanity. While NG may have sent the email, I cannot be sure that there have not been any separate 'disclaimers' - yup, trust is a BIG issue in our R at the moment - there just have been so many lies, you see. And while I agree that it would be naive to completely trust another (even ourselves for that matter) it is quite the other thing to mentally question everything that is laid before me. But, I'm getting better at picking the ones to care about and the ones that really don't matter if I am being lied to.

As to the 'why' - intellectually it may be easy to see that moving on means moving on, but I know NG and he knows me, we are diggers. It may take us 10 years, and certainly we will not run our lives looking for the answers, but eventually we will have to sign off on this. We are both bad at living with the unresolved; living with work in progress is fine

I have some idea as to what drove him down the path that he chose, but you know, post dbing, I am just not inclined to volunteer anything. This is an awareness that he is going to have to face when he is good and ready, and until then, I need to be an active participant in making the rest of our lives better. And better it is getting, every day

I expect to be here for a while yet. I have no doubt there are many more self discoveries to ruminate with the good people here.

Slowly

I agree with Pen. What would you be trying to elicit from him? Asking why is a real cheeseless tunnel. The important thing is to move forward together and work on your NEW marriage. NG is making clear efforts to prove he is committed to you and your new life.

I think that the big difficulty is HOW do you build a strong marriage? I am hopeful that you will figure this out and have it all tied up in a bow ready to deliver to me by the time my H returns home.

I really can understand the lack of trust you feel. Will knowing WHY this happened return that trust? Does NG have a clue why he acted out? And despite the fact that you may not trust him, do you trust yourself a bit more? Do you have confidence that you will take the steps you need to take should anything arise? I believe you will. Trusting yourself to stay or go, trusting yourself to know your own heart, is a very big plus.

Your situation seems so unusual to me because he seemed to have never wavered in his belief that he wanted to remain with you. When you say you have your own understanding of why this happened, does it include the possibility that very little had to do with you?

I run the risk of feeling or saying that you are lucky in your situation...yet I know that the distance and the anger and the loneliness you have felt have been excruciating for you. And I also suspect that, should my H ever decide he wanted to return, I would be saddled with the same set of questions and the same doubts and, I bet, the same anger that all of it had happened in the first place.

The only thing that I can relate that may be of some use, is that Michele does say in the DR that they rarely apologize or are as regretful as we would have them be when they come back to us. That tells me that, for whatever reason, our spouses had to do what they had to do.... and it was our decision to hang in and make it come out differently.

I lift my glass to you, Slowly. It may not feel like it yet but you ARE a db success...and they tell me, it DOES get better. Sounds like your situation is already turning in that direction.

maya