Hi, someone suggested your thread to me. I've only read a little so far. You have given me hope.
Re your H's smoking. I used to smoke. Yesterday was one year of being smoke free I got hynotized. It took me two times but it worked the second time. My parents had both smoked for many years and they were also hypnotized and have not ever smoked again. The first hypnosis, I never told anyone I was doing it and I was pregnant at the time. Don't know if those were factors really or not. The second time, I told everyone I was doing it and some people were skeptical and I thought "I'll show them". And I think I have Just a suggestion. Don't know if your H will try it or not. Oh, I also try to reward myself on each monthly anniversary.
My WAH also smokes and it's actually been nice not having the smoke in the house for six months. Of course, I'd put up with it to have him back Then I could work on him to quit He wants to quit as he recently lost his father to complications from smoking.
I'm so inspired to see that you have gotten your M back though. I will take the time to read through your older threads. Hopefully they will provide me with some direction. If you feel like it, check out my threat in Separated.
Julie, I've suggested every alternative I can think of, hynosis, the patch, the gum, herbal remedies, prescription things that let you smoke but release only nicotine not tar, etc.
He's stonewalled me on all of them.
He just IM'd me a second ago.
He apologized again.
I told him, look...let me put it like this.
"You have an upset tummy."
Every time I see you, I punch you in the stomach."
His response? "I'm sorry, I'll try harder."
I said: I'm begging you, please just go cold turkey. what you are doing is making me miserable and isn't working.
He hasn't responded.
I'm feeling depressed and powerless about the whole thing.
I feel like all I can do is stay far enough away from him that I don't get sick...which is at least 5 feet.
Wondering if h has articulated why he feels he "needs" to keep smoking right now? And then maybe even look beyond that for a deeper reason?
I smoked for a long while (been 10 years since I quit! yahoo!) ... there were times when it actually felt like a friend (I'm sure that sounds absurd) and the thought of giving it up almost brought me to tears! I can't really explain it well but it was an emotional reaction to the thought of letting it go....
I know you know the reasons why you want him to quit (darned good ones!) and I'm sure he understands them well too but just wondering if considering why he might be afraid to try right now might help...maybe it IS the sense of loss? maybe he fears failing? etc.
oh...just had another thought straight from the KLA tapes...what if you did a 180 and said "I've come to realize that you are probably never going to quit smoking. I've also realized that my pressuring you to quit is unfair since there's so little likelihood that you will quit. Let's talk about how we will manage the fact that you will be smoker for life -- in regards to the rest of my pregnancy and after the baby gets here." So..YOU become the one "defending" or "espousing" not quitting..?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage, he said the idea of never smoking again is just too much for him.
I think you are right on the nose with that.
As for me going the other route and saying, "I realize you are never going to quit." Sage, I'll continue to consider it...but I'm not sure I can do it.
Pam, You make some good points about the IM. If he brings it up again, I'll ask him to wait until we get home.
As for is this a deal breaker for me.
In the past I would have said no.
But now, feeling so miserably and having him add to it...I'm leaning towards yes.
I know that my extreme sensitivity to smell is supposed to get better by the time I'm in my 2nd trimester.
I'm sure my not feeling well, fatigue and all the rest are probably contributing to my feelings of depression and hopelessness.
Perhaps I just need to stay away from him for the next few days, get to feeling better, get plenty of sleep and take good care of myself...and then re-evaluate how I'm feeling.
Long time no see...happy to hear your "with-child" news. I keep up, just don't post. But this problem of yours made me think along the lines of "what would Dr. Laura say" route. Not that I agree with everything she touts, but she IS pro-marriage and family.
I hope that you can de-personalize the smoking. I truly don't think your husband is doing this to hurt you in any form or fashion. He is struggling with it like you are. I don't smoke, nor does anyone in my family, but we all have been told how incredibly hard it is to quit. Is there any way that you can agree not to hound him about it and stop feeling like he is trying to hurt you? I bet it may add the extra pressure to him at this point.
and of course, there is the ole Dr. Laura opinion that "he was a smoker when you married him"...don't expect him to change. He obviously knows he needs to quit, but is struggling with it. I know that if someone insisted that I had to lose these awful 30 extra lbs that I am carrying around, I might resent it and therefore it would be even harder to lose it. Even though I know in my heart that it would be the best for myself, my family, my health, my mental disposition, etc.
I don't mean to beat you up on this, but I would hate to see you and your H go to war over this, when you might have a better shot of letting him quit on his own in his own way?
I have 2 kids, so I know how the sense of smell and taste are affected with pregnancy. It does pass. Please don't let this ruin all the progress that you have made in your life over the past year.
You are right, I'm completely taking his smoking personally.
He has been wonderful in many ways.
He's taken over the grocery shopping. He's been understanding...although sad at my no longer playing everquest...a huge love tank filler for him. He's been understanding and compassionate at my day to day not feeling well and being no fun.
Looking at it from his point of view, I've been demanding, no fun to be with, and am now trying to make him quit smoking.
He probably feels as fatiqued, depressed, and scared, and lonely as I do.
And I remember Dr. Laura saying that, I used to love listening to her.
He's a good man and a good husband.
What I really want is to be able to have him hold me while I have a good cry.
Thank you for pulling me out of my angry/pity party.
Had a great weekend with husband.
He limited his smoking to the morning right before his morning shower, and to after I had gone to bed and then he took another shower so that he wouldn't make me sick
I spent most of the weekend relaxing with him. We played together and reconnected again.
He went out with friends on Saturday and I went to bed early.
Sunday, he did some Mr. FixIt chores around the house.
He fixed the kitchen faucet which had been leaking since we first moved in.
He replaced the air filters. He replaced the light bulb in the motion sensor ( a huge pain to do). He ran to home depot and brought me Outback for dinner.
The positives are just flowing!
I did some chores but mostly took things very easy over the weekend.
I got hynotized. It took me two times but it worked the second time. My parents had both smoked for many years and they were also hypnotized and have not ever smoked again. The first hypnosis, I never told anyone I was doing it and I was pregnant at the time. Don't know if those were factors really or not. The second time, I told everyone I was doing it and some people were skeptical and I thought "I'll show them". And I think I have 
Just a suggestion. Don't know if your H will try it or not. Oh, I also try to reward myself on each monthly anniversary.
Of course, I'd put up with it to have him back 
Then I could work on him to quit 
