I have mentioned that the mustache irritates me. He has trimmed it back some. I think the whole point of my posting yesterday was to vent some and to try to figure out what I need to do, to be happy. Think I am going to look into some counseling for myself. I have alot of resentment towards him and the way he was this past weekend just made it worse for me. He refuses to come back into the bed with me. I don't initiate sex at all, at first it was because I didn't want to push him, but now I just don't care. The times he has initiated in the past 5 months (after nothing for over 5 yrs) I found it hard to even get turned on by him. If this marriage is going to work, we both have alot to work on.
I have mentioned that the mustache irritates me. He has trimmed it back some. I think the whole point of my posting yesterday was to vent some and to try to figure out what I need to do, to be happy. Think I am going to look into some counseling for myself. I have alot of resentment towards him and the way he was this past weekend just made it worse for me. He refuses to come back into the bed with me. I don't initiate sex at all, at first it was because I didn't want to push him, but now I just don't care. The times he has initiated in the past 5 months (after nothing for over 5 yrs) I found it hard to even get turned on by him. If this marriage is going to work, we both have alot to work on.
Annette, I think the website is whacko this morning; I was having trouble too!
I wanted to ask if the criticizing is something that has always been there with your H or if it started when his sexual problems began. That is, maybe he is lashing out at you because of a belief that you are wrong for pushing him to deliver something he can't..?
Btw, I think he can but I can't imagine how hard it would be for a man to get past this particular problem. How could he NOT worry about staying hard while he is initiating or performing foreplay? I am imagining that no amount of horniness could get past that fear; it would be so pervasive. I still say that you two are as good a candidate for sexual therapy as they come.
As far as his efforts....well, look at it this way: Maybe he considers once/month oral to be a sufficient effort. Maybe he does not realize what you are REALLY after. Have you ever flat out told him what you would like to see happen? Such as, "Dear I would like to ideally have some kind of sexual play happening twice per week. What do you think of that?" I am picturing him absolutely freaking out over his inability to satisfy his wife and approx once per month he works up the nerve to face HIS OWN DEMONS and do you orally. It must be awfully humiliating (not to mention frustrating for him) to know that this is all he has to offer. How does he get sexual release? Is he able to mbate still? How frequently does he do this? This might also be a clue in terms of how often he turns to you...if he's taking care of himself frequently, it would be natural that he 'forgets' to make sure that you are taken care of also.
I know I said to another poster (I think it was heapmom) that my husband refused to believe that I wanted sex as much as I was saying that I did, until I proved him wrong with the test of time. It is possible that he thinks that, with you being a woman and all, monthly oral is about right for you.
It is up to you to educate him differently, girlfriend!
I wanted to ask if the criticizing is something that has always been there with your H or if it started when his sexual problems began.
The criticizing started from the very beginning. It started out as him kind of teasing me about something, but eventually it got to the point where he would keep at it, even after I told him to stop, that I didn't think it was funny. It would take me getting really mad and leaving his presence to get away from it. Then he would get mad himself saying "geezzzzzzzz I was only kidding" even after years of telling him I didn't take it as kidding. It doesn't happen as much now as it did in years past, but this past weekend for some reason he would start, at which point I would recognise it and put a stop to it before it got out of hand.
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Btw, I think he can but I can't imagine how hard it would be for a man to get past this particular problem. How could he NOT worry about staying hard while he is initiating or performing foreplay?
I can imagine he feels less than a man. This problem started a very long time ago HP. He was an alcoholic for many years during the first half of our marriage (had I only known to what extent when I met him) His favorite thing would be to get drunk and "prove" his manhood only to find the alcohol impeeded him and it would end not so good. Up until 5 months ago he never liked oral and made no bones about it. I believe he only does it now because he feels he has no other choice. His idea of foreplay is to kiss once or twice, then boink..... needless to say our sex life has not really been very good from the start.
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Have you ever flat out told him what you would like to see happen? Such as, "Dear I would like to ideally have some kind of sexual play happening twice per week. What do you think of that?"
No, I have not had that particular discussion with him. See when he came to me after the new year started, it was completely his idea to make things "right" between us. I feel he sensed I had totally given up and was ready to go my own way. We were totally not doing anything together except holiday family events. Christmas a year ago he went to his daughters and my son came to the house with his GF. How is that for living like roommates? He does do a few things with me now, he has made that effort, and I have acknowledged that. I know I have to talk to him. I have put it off because he has this ability to turn things around on me. He intimidates me. And like I said in my beginning post, I am not sure I am ready to fight this the rest of my life. I have had many sleepless nights the past month trying to decide what I want to do. I could probably become one of those that just doesn't do anything and live the rest of my life like this until I crack. I don't think thats fair to me or him. I just haven't come to a decision.
Annette said: ------------------- I could probably become one of those that just doesn't do anything and live the rest of my life like this until I crack. I don't think thats fair to me or him. I just haven't come to a decision -------------------
Annette.
I suggest that you find a couple of days where you can get away - by yourself - so that you can think about your situation unencumbered. Make sure you carry pen and paper so that you can list out problems and potential solutions. Then prioritize the list since you can't possibly address every issue at once.
Spend the first day just letting your emotions settle.
Tell your husband what your plans are for the mini-getaway. This puts him on notice that changes are in the wind.
"Hubby, I have to get away for a few days to sort through my part in the issues our relationship is facing. Don't worry, there is no other person involved, I just need to be alone for a few days so that my head can clear."
Pick a peaceful and quiet place and a time where the weather will be good for a few days. Make sure that the place you pick will offer enough privacy for you to think out loud, without someone overhearing and thinking you are nuts for talking to yourself :-)
You DO have to come to a decision. There is simply no way you can fall through to the right change in your relationship.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I agree with NOPkins. I was going to suggest something similar. When thinking about the pros and cons of your decision, try to ask yourself what you fear most about staying in your marriage and what you fear most about leaving your marriage. Perhaps, it would be best to take any action you can to deal with these fears before you make a decision.
Hugs,
MM
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
