Quote: I find myself thinking like you, that I have cooled my desire for sex after reading PM. However, my desire for the wife is what has dropped, not my desire for sex.
I think that was what I was trying to get at in my reply. As I started down this path, I saw my desire for sex with W waning - not my overall level of desire, just the desire for her. As things have been changing, that desire is coming back, but it's different in a way I can't really describe. I guess it's just that having let go of the other-validation stuff, it just changed the whole perspective.
My desire did this, too, after having finished PM.
In fact, my H accused me of making the whole thing up...about wanting more sex in our lives! It took me about a month to really process what the new Honey would act like and how she would proceed in the relationship, etc. Once I formulated that and H started to come around to the plan of having more sex, my desire naturally started to come back. I would say it took about a month or so for me, YMMV as Hairy likes to say.
Wow, hey, this has started some good discussion on waning desire with a spouse. And I thought I was the only one. Thanks for all of the thoughts. The whole SSM and PM journey has been quite enlightening!
It's no wonder so many of our LD spouses "hate" that we're reading these types of books and starting/continuing to question the status quo... like sticks in the mud, they can squirm a little, but if they don't choose to go with our flow, they break. By becoming more self- and less other- with things, we're actually becoming more independent! This is all the while we're in a committed R, where self- sometimes (often?) is overlooked.
Like SM and WB and others here, I'm finding that my desire for sex with my W has cooled off for now. I don't like to be bitter towards my W about anything, but with this whole PM self-validated intimacy concept, I am questioning a lot of foundations of my M and finding that I am upset with how my W is handling things (namely, by NOT talking to me more and NOT reading the SSM book and NOT initiating more, even after I told her that 2 times a week would be greatly appreciated).
Selfishly speaking, the way that my W loves me seems not to be enough for me anymore. Is that possible? I suppose it is, since she hasn't really gone out of her way to tell me how she feels. I think it's time for the crucible to make an appearance.
W didn't reciprocate my affection last night. It didn't really bother me as much as in the past. My self-validated intimacy thing is starting to sound better than waiting for "never" to show up.
We were watching The Amazing Race in bed, and I was all snuggled against her. I would shift positions once in a while and put my hand somewhere else on her body (leg, knee, shoulder, hand). When TAR was over, she rolled over facing me and curled up... no arm outstretched over me or anything. I just let it go (it WAS 10:30PM, waaay past my bedtime). Maybe tonight will be better.
W is anxious about her Essure procedure today, so we both didn't sleep well last night. She was tossing and turning. I should have taken TylenolPM.
Essure is permanent birth control (see Essure's web pages), and in 3+ months, she won't "need" BC pills anymore. I hope that next year will be better for frequency of LM because of this. The BC pills also make her feel "blah" and so, they have to go.
Now, I thought maybe my W would "attack" me for sex before this procedure (it's unlikely that she'll feel like LM for a week after... discomfort and all that). Nope. She's the type that is consumed by anxiety and nervousness, so much so that everything else is unthinkable. LM is not for soothing her anxiety... it's reserved for those times when there's "nothing going on" that she needs to worry about. This is one of the reasons why we have frequency problems (with 2 kids and 2 jobs and older parents, sh*t happens).
No way, there's nothing like that going on because... I went for a V consultation with my W last January. At the time, we decided that it wasn't "the way to go." This year (now that my W has given up on having child #3), I would have gone for the V if she hadn't suggested this Essure procedure. I'm more than willing to have a V, and she knows it.
The procedure went well, and W was up and about in less than an hour after it was finished. The cramping and spotting should go away in 2-3 days, at which time we can ML again. I won't be touching W though... she'll have to initiate, at which time I'll know that she's feeling better.
12 weeks from now, W has to have some type of radiological procedure to make sure that the tubes are blocked completely. If so, she's free to stop the BC pills. If not, then I guess I'm in for a V.
I'm wondering how much more frequent LM will be after this. Does a V (or a tubal) make a difference in the frequency of LM in the future? Psychologically speaking, birth control is no longer necessary, so things can be more spontaneous. But, are they? I suppose I shouldn't worry about it. I'm PMing and worrying about myself.
Thanks for all of the thoughts. The whole SSM and PM journey has been quite enlightening!
