Quote: I can't quite figure out if you were telling me that I'm an ass or if you were telling me that I am doing OK. Clue me in, please.
Since you are the HD partner in your marriage, I just found your statement a bit odd. If my LD husband really felt that way, I would think he was an *ss.
I too went through a phase of feeling more LD or I would say less HD in this process. I think this is due to a few factors. First, as you become less dependent on sex for validation you naturally lose a bit of sexual neediness and this can feel like LD. Secondly, as you go through the process your emotional-fusion that was previously "needy" might become more like "distance" or "anger" and this might translate into a re-direction of your sex drive away from your spouse. Lastly, if you come to see your spouse as someone who genuinely doesn't like sex as much as you do, you can view them as kind of pathetic and therefore not very sexually appealing.
I think I'm kind of getting past this phase. I don't feel LD at all in general and I do find my H sexually appealing. I'm just not sure if I can accept having sex for the rest of my life with someone who doesn't think sex is important and isn't very passionate about it in general and I'm not sure if my H will be able to change in this way.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Chris: PM gets you to think more about why you are actually desiring sex and redirects you to connect with your partner. So, say if I am having a bad day and want sex with H to provide me with comfort or escape, Schnarch would say that I am using sex as an anxiety reliever when I could HOM and find other ways to soothe myself. Also, if I were having a bad day and wanted sex with H to remind myself of my attractiveness and femininity, this, in PM terms, would be other-validated intimacy. ( I am making a mental note to try to not have bad days). The book makes you dissect your desire and save the piece that's about emotional connection with your partner. This can lessen desire in and of itself because of ambivalent feelings we have toward our spouses. Anyway, Dave and Tim explain it better, and I myself have pulled away from the self help genre, so I am basically using a little of this and that when I confront H, which is why I am so lost. Journey
Quote: The book makes you dissect your desire and save the piece that's about emotional connection with your partner.
But what about the piece of my desire that isn't about soothing anxiety or seeking validation or even emotional connection to my partner? What about the piece of desire that is part of my identity and integrity and has made me HD since I was 15. I don't think pure physical hornyness alone encompasses it and I don't think I can give it up.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
And to add to that MM...is it so bad to want the physical comfort of my H's strong male body when I am stressed out? Aren't there studies that show that male sweat has a positive effect on women's moods? J
Quote: And to add to that MM...is it so bad to want the physical comfort of my H's strong male body when I am stressed out? Aren't there studies that show that male sweat has a positive effect on women's moods?
Is it so bad to want the physical comfort of ANY strong male body when I am stressed out?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: But what about the piece of my desire that isn't about soothing anxiety or seeking validation or even emotional connection to my partner? What about the piece of desire that is part of my identity and integrity and has made me HD since I was 15. I don't think pure physical hornyness alone encompasses it and I don't think I can give it up.
I think being what you are is absolutely an integrity issue. If you are a talented basketball player, not playing is a loss of integrity. Of course, basketball is a team sport. If you are the best player on the team, spreading the ball around and making your team mates better is an act of differentiation. You're less likely to win if you take all of the shots yourself. Then again, you can always quit the team and find a better one.
It is unlikely that you will ever reach parity in desire with your H. Fighting for a passionate sex life, and achieving it, are acts of integrity. But recognizing your husband's efforts (and progress) to please you and being understanding of his natural shortcomings can also be acts of integrity if they are done out of your love for him.
Regards,
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Quote: But recognizing your husband's efforts (and progress) to please you and being understanding of his natural shortcomings can also be acts of integrity if they are done out of your love for him
I know. This is why I still have a problem. How much of my sexual personal identity can I sacrifice in order to maintain my sense of myself as a loving, giving person. In the past, my answer was "just about all of it". I'm just trying to figure out what my new answer might be.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I find myself thinking like you, that I have cooled my desire for sex after reading PM. However, my desire for the wife is what has dropped, not my desire for sex. I doubt that there is anything that can make my sex drive decline except medical problems. THe drop in desire for sex with my wife is NOT such a good thing as this means I am losing my love for her. Desire=love. No desire, No Love!
Quote: I know. This is why I still have a problem. How much of my sexual personal identity can I sacrifice in order to maintain my sense of myself as a loving, giving person. In the past, my answer was "just about all of it". I'm just trying to figure out what my new answer might be.
You don't have to decide right away. You can allow your current situation to reach equilibrium, just to see how it feels. I think it's important when we have made gains to spend some time enjoying them, instead of constantly placing our Ms under stress.
It's too bad your H has been traveling so much lately .
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
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