Chris, about 'personal space' - of course it wasn't an issue way back when...and it shouldn't be an issue now, I just threw it out as a possible explanation for why he gets so squirmish about any kind of touch. He has always been squirmish about PDA, and kissing anywhere, even in the very beginning.
I can't imagine holding out 'till the kids are grown if things really don't improve - the boys are only 4, so that gives me 14yrs, and I'm 40... So, if I throw out, say 5 yrs, I'm going to have to have a good reason why I chose that (ok, it's a nice round no.), and a plan - 'cause H will very likely call me on it (I can hear him saying 'how do you plan to do that!'). Even if he doesn't, I want to be ready just in case.
H has not completely ignored me today. We're both still on vacation, so H slept in 'till 12 (as usual on days off), then we've been busy reorganizing the kid's rooms. He did reach over last night and rub my shoulder and say goodnight before he turned off the light. A little thing, but it does tell me he's thinking.
Chris, about 'personal space' - of course it wasn't an issue way back when...and it shouldn't be an issue now, I just threw it out as a possible explanation for why he gets so squirmish about any kind of touch. He has always been squirmish about PDA, and kissing anywhere, even in the very beginning.
I can't imagine holding out 'till the kids are grown if things really don't improve - the boys are only 4, so that gives me 14yrs, and I'm 40... So, if I throw out, say 5 yrs, I'm going to have to have a good reason why I chose that (ok, it's a nice round no.), and a plan - 'cause H will very likely call me on it (I can hear him saying 'how do you plan to do that!'). Even if he doesn't, I want to be ready just in case.
H has not completely ignored me today. We're both still on vacation, so H slept in 'till 12 (as usual on days off), then we've been busy reorganizing the kid's rooms. He did reach over last night and rub my shoulder and say goodnight before he turned off the light. A little thing, but it does tell me he's thinking.
I heard an interesting rumor about Finnish men. Maybe you can confirm this for me.
Apparently there is a drinking game that is very popular amongst Finnish men. After they get rip-roaring drunk, all but one of a group of men will take their penises out of their pants and put them on top of a table. The one remaining man will get on top of the table and run around in a circle stepping on everyone's penis. The last man with his penis still on the table wins.
What does he get for winning? Next time, he gets to be the one running around on top of the table.
Is this true?
I used to know a Norwegian guy. He had a million Finn jokes. This is the only one that I still remember. Just thought you could use the laugh.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I'm out at a class this week, so I'm only getting to check in once in the morning. I just want to chime in and agree with those who have said not to move to another room. It appears that H would be happy not having his space invaded and having any pressure to be intimate removed.
I also agree with the need for an exit strategy. I don't know if you're serious about possibly leaving him, but if you're going to mention it at all, you need to at least have the framework of a plan prepared. My W doesn't work at all other than volunteer work at church and in an adult literacy/English as a second language program at the library. She threatened to leave me at the time she was accusing me of having an A. Her plan was to move back with the parents. (She knows as well as I do that that would NEVER work, but it could have been an interim solution.) You sitch is different since you're in another country and can't move back to the States without your kids. Does Finland allow dual citizenship? Are you a Finnish citizen? What's the employment sitch like over there - once the kids are all in school, could you get another job with sufficient income to support yourself?
Depending upon the answers to these and other similar questions, you could simply chart out a viable course, but make no moves to implement it. A good exercise might be to look at what would happen were H to die. I know that Finland is a fairly socialist country, but I don’t know what kind of state support there is for widows and orphans. Unless you can count on the state, it’s just prudent to plan for something like that. And having a plan may give you a leg up on building an exit strategy.
I'm not sure myself whether or not I would leave, but I do think it would strenghten me if I did have an 'escape plan'.
I don't have duel citizenship, it's only been fairly recently that both countries would allow that, but it really doesn't affect my getting a job (as much as the economy might).
Yes, the state would take care of us if something happened to H, but I would like to have more than that to fall back on. It also 'scares' me a little that since H has been handling all the finances, if something ever did happen, I'd be very lost for a while.
I talked for a while, and need to do something now that the kids are getting older, about getting another job in a few years anyway - up 'till now this has been as close to 'having it all' as I can imagine, I work afternoons, so the kids have never had to get up early to get out (until school anyway :-) ). When the girls were little, I had a 5 min walk to work, and H's cousin watched the kids for an hour or so 'till he got home.
Now my commute is much longer, the job has grown, and the kids are at school...in order for me to get something in music that would fit the kid's schedule, I'll need to get my 'name' out more, which is going to take some work.
Of course, I can always take extra private students, start getting more gigs, etc...
Heapmom, I think it's important that you learn the state of the finances in your marriage. Here's an idea: While standing in the kitchen, slicing something with the biggest, sharpest knife, turn around suddenly and point it at him and say, "I am worried that if something...really bad...happened to you, I would be unable to figure out the financial resources of this family. You need to show me where we are financially and how to take care of anything. You know, just in case something...really bad...happens."
