W had complained that I don't initiate phone calls with her while she is away (I don't). So I decided to call her on Wednesday night to see how she was doing. I left a message but never got a call back.
Yesterday morning she called and told me she had a huge hangover because she had been out drinking at several bars until 1:00 a.m.
I got pissed and told her that I am growing increasingly frustrated with her drinking, immaturity, irresponsibility, and disrespect.
She blew up and after a few F--- Y--'s, she hung up the phone.
She called back later and told me that she doesn't want to be controlled, that I need to find some hobbies and get out of the house once in a while myself. She is feeling too much pressure to just "sit around the house with me" and she can't and won't do that. She needs to be busy all of the time. I told her I was glad to hear her express these feelings and that I wish I didn't have to start a fight to get her to tell me these things.
It seems that I view a marriage as the primary focus of my life. I like to come home after work and be close with my wife (talk, cook, walk, watch TV, or just be in the same room). I feel like she views this marriage as the thing she falls back on when the party is over or she doesn't have any other plans.
I feel like we're slowly breaking the gridlock here. W keeps expressing that she is running out of patience with the awkwardness and pain. She's never been one to hang around long when things get tough, so I am preparing for her to give up soon.
It sounds like she thinks you're smothering her. Are you?
Quote: She called back later and told me that she doesn't want to be controlled, that I need to find some hobbies and get out of the house once in a while myself. She is feeling too much pressure to just "sit around the house with me" and she can't and won't do that. She needs to be busy all of the time.
This doesn't mean that she can't be married to you. It's a matter of where priorities lie. Her priorities at this point in time are not in sync with yours. Give it time.
Quote: It seems that I view a marriage as the primary focus of my life. I like to come home after work and be close with my wife (talk, cook, walk, watch TV, or just be in the same room). I feel like she views this marriage as the thing she falls back on when the party is over or she doesn't have any other plans.
So you've told her this?
Quote: I feel like we're slowly breaking the gridlock here. W keeps expressing that she is running out of patience with the awkwardness and pain. She's never been one to hang around long when things get tough, so I am preparing for her to give up soon.
It's OK to disagree. She doesn't have to like you as long as she's committed to being your W and developing the R and the M. If she's not putting a little effort into figuring out what YOU want and need, then she's not being the W that you need. You don't have to walk away, but you shouldn't have to settle for that either.
I don't THINK I'm the type of person to smother someone. I do think that I am insecure about our relationship because of the lack of intimacy and physical closeness that exists. I would also suggest that she has an exceptionally low tolerance for closeness. Of course, that's my side of the story. I will say that I have never been accused of smothering anyone in a previous relationship. Maybe I'm a smotherer in denial but I really don't believe that.
I have told her all of this and she responds by clamming up unless I instigate an all out fight.
I do not feel like she is working on this marriage at all. If she is, she is not verbalizing the effort and it appears to be superficial at best. She has expressed her desire to "just wait and see".
She called me twice today. I am amazed by her need to maintain constant polite contact despite her seeming indifference towards our current problem.
Quote: She called me twice today. I am amazed by her need to maintain constant polite contact despite her seeming indifference towards our current problem.
You shook her up by taking a stand. It's a good sign that she wants to talk, even if she doesn't know what to say. You mentioned in a previous post that you are breaking through the gridlock, but I don't agree. I think you two are at the point of recognizing that you are in gridlock, but you don't know how to get out. That's why you are both so uncomfortable right now.
So your wife likes to party, but you yearn for intimacy. Can you meet her half way? Go out and party with her. Dance, drink, socialize, make merry with her. Maybe you can start breaking gridlock with her. Also, if you are concerned with her drinking, you can get a better idea about whether there is a serious problem.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Quote: I think you two are at the point of recognizing that you are in gridlock, but you don't know how to get out. That's why you are both so uncomfortable right now.
You're right. We are in gridlock bigtime. Sometimes it seems that we are getting past it and then...bam...right back there. One thing that I could not figure out in all of these books is exactly what breaks the gridlock. I was under the impression that the underlying problems must be completely worked out before gridlock is broken. Is this true?
I go out with my wife once or twice a week. It does seem to ease the tension for a few hours. There's only so much of it I can tolerate though. She's the HD socializer.
I want the gridlock to be broken when we're out to lunch together or alone together at home. That seems to be when the tension is nearly unbearable.
Keep up the good work! 
but I really don't believe that.
