Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Joyrides and Backslides--The Story of Us

Hey Honey!

Thought I'd drop by to check in on my favorite pregnant lady and found your thread hopping... you seem very much in tune with yourself and your H as well, and I'm amazed at the insight you keep managing to procure along this path.

I know it frustrates you to no end, but I do see that he's putting forth an effort into showing you that he wants to meet your needs in whatever way he can at that moment. He copped a feel and revved up your motor... and since he didn't follow through, my guess is that he felt you needed some attention in your LL.

Go easy on yourself, girlfriend. You're in that wacky phase where the hormones are in full swing and things can seem different than they really are. I was so crabby at the end of my pregnancies that I'm amazed I have any friends at all...

I don't know if he's reading the BB. But maybe he's finding out along the way, through your example, that it's fun to give you things that you enjoy?

Take care and happy days ahead!

Betsey

Mojo,

My friends and I have a simialar one for us guys. Which goes like this if you can't see your d!ck to pee with you are to fat. So the bigger you are the fatter you can be .

Lee

Hiya Bets!
Thanks for stopping in.
You are so correct about the end-of-pregnancy-and-lookin-for-a-fight dynamic, LOL!
I am like that also. I am, by nature, a confrontational person anyway but oh boy throw in a bunch of hormones (which as an infertile and non-menstruating woman I am not accustomed to) and things can get ugly.

I am making MUCH more of an effort to keep it under wraps during this pg than I did with the other two, since he has (so far) not cut me off sexually or expressed any disgust/fear at my new self.

So! I am keeping it under control but I do think I am going to ask him tonight to attempt to adhere to a more regular schedule. Right now we are on the "do it 3-4 days in a row" program and then nothing for a week or more. I would much rather have it spread out and not deal with the frustration of the off week.

Anyway, this is veering into TMI so I will sign off.

Thanks for checking in and hope all is well with you and esp D7.

Honey

I had an absolulely horrific night.

First and foremost, I made the mistake of trying to get inside his head and actually had the thought, "Oh I bet he'll want sex tonight! It's been a week and we've really been getting along well. Also, I have been out all day and am in an excellent mood and I do look pretty hot today.."

NEVER EVER try to guess when your spouse will want you. This sets up unreasonable expectations on your part and, plus, a good and differentiated person does not do this.

The night passed without incident and we get into bed. The very first thing that H says (with a semi-hostile-but-outwardly-joking demeanor) was "SO! You want sex?"
The moment before that he had said that he threw his back out at the park with the kids. I was really taken aback at the way he "initiated" as well as the tone in his voice. Plus, it was not quite how I pictured us reuniting after a week of abstinence. I HATE feeling like I am a chore. I want him to feel like, Wow she was worth the wait. Or something like that.
Anyway I replied that since he just told me his back hurt, I was guessing that he just wanted to go to sleep and rest his back but that he felt he "owed" me something. He nodded a little.
Then he launches into this tirade about how he hates having sex with me b/c I am pregnant and he just wants to have sex with ME and not me and the baby at the same time.

Then he totally changed the subject and wanted to talk about something else. I started a fight about that subject until I realized that I wasn't really mad about THAT I was still steaming about his crap and hostile initiation. So I brought the topic back to that and he proceeded to tell me everything I do that ruins his desire for me.

I know it was anger talking but, dammit, it hurt to hear that. I am not a friggin robot, I'm a person and a WOMAN at that. There is NO woman who wants to hear at any time in her life that she is undesirable.
Specifically, he said that I do not hug and kiss him unless we have recently ML.
This is true and something that I have been trying to do better at but I am failing, folks. I just do not have the urge to hug and kiss him when he has been rejecting me. I know it is wrong but it is very hard for me to overcome. It only makes me feel pain and frustration to hug and kiss a man who does not want me so I avoid it.
Now! I never ever ever turn him away. If he wants a hug or kiss I am there and warm. I just do not initiate it myself.
So, Dave, what he was telling me last night was that I suck at keeping the EC going in the absence of sex. Really, I thought I was doing better than that. I asked him if he thought I was being hateful and he said, No you are very friendly and happy but you are cold.
You know, I don't think I have EVER heard myself being described as cold before. This was such a revelation to me to know that he perceives me this way. I do admit that I like to be pursued. I do not like the feeling of chasing him, enticing him, however you want to phrase the feeling of trying to MAKE him want sex with me. I still have this annoying tendency to think that I can show up, look pretty and he will react to that. And my friendliness. I find myself very resentful this morning that now I have to initiate physical contact with a man who does not want me in order to create feelings of good will so that he MIGHT want me.
Now I am not an ice queen. I do touch him and never turn him away. But I don't, you know, follow him around and spontaneously give him a hug. I wouldn't go up to him while he's reading the paper and kiss the back of his neck. He would act annoyed if I did these things, although I think that he has a little bit of Mr. Wilson in him also and is saying that he would like it and actually NEEDS me to do this.
Fine. I can work on that.

Then he said that he does too much around our house in the evening and that he is very resentful of having so many things to do throughout the day and then...THEN...when he gets into bed, there I am expecting something of him. He said he just wants to get in bed and relax and not worry that he is disappointing me. I told him that I'd be happy to take some of his 'duties' from our nighttime routine and that I have offered many, many times and he declines my help. He wants to do these things, for whatever reason. (I could assign some negative spin on his motives but I don't)

Now he tells me that it is too much. However, should I take something (say, the kids' bath) he would then fill that hole with another activity and we'd be right back at square one.

Likewise with the hugs and kisses. These things are his due as my husband. I will do them and he is right that it is wrong to only give them based on how much sex we are having. But I have NO illusions about them increasing the sex between us--as he was saying. He will continue to sexually reject me but he will be getting kisses and hugs (which = love in his mind) and so will not feel so bad about himself for rejecting me.

He was angry and cold throughout this conversation and, to my surprise, I was able to HOM and really hear what he was saying and sift through what was angry crud. Some of the points he was making were valid and I will address them.

I did try to call him on his so-called initiation but I was crying by that time and a mess. All I could choke out was that I was not an 'it' or a dog, I was a woman. And as such I could not take it when he comes to bed and acts as if he is doing me a gigantic favor and I better appreciate it.
He then said, "W, how can you expect me to treat you as anything other than needy? You keep telling me that I am not meeting your needs (heavy sarcasm there), so how else am I supposed to view you? Plus, how do you think I feel..I am nothing more than a way for you to get off and meet your own needs."
I just wailed back, I wasn't talking about physical needs you dipsh*t..

He just doesn't get me. Or what I am about. Or what makes me tick. It is as if we are speaking different languages to each other, both with a blank look.

He said he didn't understand how a person could get cold after not having sex for a while. I replied that I didn't understand how a person could continue to want affection from me and not have it turn them on at all.

Then I got real fusey (I was already bawling) and said, I did this to myself by thinking that you would be horny for me today. I shouldn't try to read your mind or decide what 'kind' of day you are having; it is unfair. However, did you want me at ALL today?
He then launched into this tirade about how his day started (8 am meeting) all the way to the end (9 pm shower) and how there was no point during that day that he even thought of me that way.
I meekly replied, Well I thought I looked nice today. I do make an effort to entice you; I just don't do it by physically grabbing you and forcing you to hug me. By the way, I visited your sister today and as I was getting into the car to leave she said "I have to tell you that you are a SEXY pregnant lady. Some people are cute, etc, but you are sexy!" I just made a crack and came home. Now, H, what does she see in me that you don't?

I know, I know, more fusey stuff. But what is it, folks? Is it our history and baggage that prevents him from seeing me as the rest of the world does? Or for that matter, as I see myself? Is he stubborn and withholding?

To be continued..

Been there. Done that.

Mr. Wilson does not want me to spontaneously kiss and hug him more, but he gets peeved in the same way, but more passive-aggressively, if I don't accept him "being nice" as a substitute for sex. The theory that he is desperately clinging to is that I am emotionally needy and therefore any sign of affection will do. I have hopes that he will one day drop his cloak of denial and admit that his wife simply has a higher sex drive than him.

The thing that sucks is that there is no way to win. I know we've had this discussion before, HP. Either we are needy emotional wimps or we are cold psycho-sluts. Probably both as far as our H's are concerned. Think about how convenient this reasoning is for them. If our needs are endless, no man could possibly meet them, so they don't need to feel bad about their manliness. If we are cruel and cold robots of hornyness, no man would want to have sex with us, so why should they? This is why you brought up your sister-in-law's comment as a way to justify your argument and this is why I'm doing things to inspire a bit of jealousy in my H. We are trying to make them doubt their point of view. It is very hard to do it on our own. How can we prove that we are not endlessly needy or cold psycho-sluts? We have no witnesses in our defense. Should we get letters of testimony from old boyfriends saying "She was horny and great in bed, but I found that 3x a week was enough to keep her satisfied. She was also very nice. I appreciated the chocolate chip cookies and the way she helped me study for my Calc exams.".

This probably isn't very helpful. I am whiny and bitter, but NOT needy and cold and neither are you.

After an hour or so of telling me everything I need to do in order to get his desire goin, he then tells me "Let's just make a fresh start."
??????

Meaning, he wanted to forget everything we were arguing about and just begin to be loving to each other again. Presumably this would include sex at some point in the near future so he would be off the hook.

Then he said, "Look we both need to work on our own issues. You need to work on the areas you need to improve on and I need to do the same."

I pointed out to him (not so nicely by that time) that all he had done so far was tell me everything I was doing wrong--I hadn't heard one damn word about what his changes were going to entail!

And herein lies another one of our big obstacles to finally overcoming this: He truly believes that what I want is unreasonable and so there is no need for him to change. Sure, he pays lip service to it but the REAL reason he doesn't make any lasting changes is because he doesn't think he should have to.
Now I am not mindreading here, he told me last night that what I want is unreasonable and so I am making a logical conclusion.

So he wants to give me what he feels is reasonable and is devising ways for me to accept this while he gets to still feel loved and like he is doing a good job.
WTF do I get out of this setup, I say??

Gosh I am so down and dejected this morn.

He doesn't have any sexual thoughts about me, ever. He doesn't see me as a sexy person, as others do. He gives me sex when he feels like it and ONLY then. He thinks I am needy. His desire for me has slipped, due to being pg. He is no longer (evidently) willing to stick to our twice a week agreement.
I could go on and on but even I am getting sick of my pity party.

I did ask if he was thinking of cutting me off. I told him that I got really resentful of him making this unilateral decision without even a word of warning to me, with the other 2 pregs. I would appreciate it if he let me in on what was going on.
He replied, No I am not thinking of doing that. But...really, W, how long did you think we were going to keep having sex? Up until the week you're due?! (snort)
I said, I didn't really have any time frame--I suppose I thought we would be ML whenever we felt like it and just go from there.
He seemed horrified at the thought but was at least sensitive enough to not gag right in my face, at the thought.

So I think that part of this is the pregnancy but I don't know how much.

I am beginning to realize that, when I thought my H's libido had raised and we were having lots of sex, that what had actually happened was his desire to say NO had gone down. I really thought he was just wanting me more.

I gotta quit this. I am in a very down mood today. To top it all off, I have a *%$#! dentist appt.

HP

{{{{HP}}}}
Man, you know it's desparate when you have to go the dentist to "fill a cavity."

I know he's being an a-hole, but if you're 6.5 weeks away from your due date (but who's counting?), he's probably one of those guys, like me, who's worried about a little hand coming and grabbing his unit while he's inside you.

Cut yourself some slack, and cut him some slack, too.

As for "starting over," I know I have suggested this in the past after a conversation took an ugly turn. I never get an "okay" either, so I can't tell you if it works or not. Maybe it's just hopeful thinking.

Hairdog - sending comforting thoughts across the Show-me state. (leaving for the Lake of the Ozarks in 6 hours!)

(((((HP)))))

Hang in there girl! I know you're going through a really tough time right now. Remember how close you are to the end of your pregnancy you've got so much to look forward to. Keep in mind too...and I don't mean this to offend you...that some men truly don't want to ML with their W during their 3rd trimester....mind didn't. Of course look at our track record LOL...it's not like we boink like bunnies anyway. But he really did feel uncomfortable doing that the closer I got to term.

With him it wasn't even that I was unattractive to him...it was more that he was very self-concious about that extra person involved. It's not that he thought he'd hurt the baby, or that he was afraid the baby would see anything...it was merely the fact that the baby was there and very active in our case. So try not to take it so personally, I know the raging hormones aren't helping one little bit on that end but try to keep it in perspective.

And remember the harder you try to get him to ML the harder he may resist. This may be one of those times you just have to ride-it-out until the end of your pregnancy and then try again.

Sorry I wasn't more encouraging for you....but I really do sympathize with your sitch. BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!!

Oh, honeypot, my friend. This is just so hard. Everyday is a struggle. It is especially tough being so pregnant. Even if you were looking for validation from him, there's nothing wrong with that. The man could have given it to you. That was a very sucky initiation, and he was clearly picking a fight. I have the same issues with not being comfortable with non-sexual touching if the sexual touching has not happened in a long time. He has not called me on this, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did.

As far as sex during pregnancy, I think a lot of men are that way. I know my H needed a lot of convincing that he wasn't going to cause the baby brain damage! So hard as it is - try to cut him a little slack.

As far as his reasoning - that is bullshit and you know it. YOU are not ruining his desire. His desire was just not there, and he is turning it on you.

But you already know all of this. I just wanted to offer some hugs. Be gentle with yourself.

J

HP

(((((((((((((Big Huggs))))))))))))))
I have to agree with people that alot of men really don't like to ML that close to term. But I also agree with the other stuff too. Be kind to yourself and try to give H just a little slack. But most of all, try to think of the joyous event thats about to take place in your lives.

Annette