Last couple of days have been good. h is nearing completion on his paper (yahoo! he has worked SO hard on it!) and now must turn his attention to an exam he has tomorrow night. At 8:30 pm tomorrow night there will be a BIG sigh of relief in these parts as he will be done with all of his commitments for school. He's got 13 days off from school (! ) and I'm guessing he plans to make the MOST of them by doing the LEAST he can! Relaxation and vacation here we come!
Last night he was in full study mode so I suggested that I pick up dinner on the way home. I realized something about the exchange that may or may not prove interesting to anyone but me...
I knew that h was in full study mode. I knew that he was probably feeling stressed. I wanted to do what I could to relieve that stress but wasn't sure if I should a) plan dinner at home (get food, etc) or b) suggest going out or c) ask.
c probably seems like the obvious choice but there was a part of me that wanted to KNOW what h would find most relaxing. Not sure if that's silly or not but sometimes I feel lame (lame, lame) for saying "what would you like to do" because sometimes when you're stressed don't you just want someone to destress you?
then, it occured to me that THIS is a time when I often pull away from h...when I'm just not sure what the right thing is to do to please/delight/relax him. THAT made me wonder if sometimes when h is distant or guarded if (in fact) it might have to do with feeling that he doesn't know what to do next.
OK, I'm babbling.
so, my solution was to call h and suggest that I would bring home dinner unless he had wanted to go out. He was enthusiastic. My dinner pick-up wasn't seamless (couldn't get what I wanted, etc) but we were both lowkey about it, food was good, etc.
NOW...perhaps you're thinking...cripes, all she was doing was picking up dinner! BUT to me it was about...
getting to a point where I wasn't sure what the right thing to do was in terms of being supportive of h
NOT withdrawing and taking a distanced attitude (per normal)
having an action plan (dinner) but phrasing it in such a way to h that I think he felt he could suggest a different plan
NOT freaking out when the plan didn't go exactly, well, to plan
sometimes I think that I get way too wrapped up in being PERFECT in terms of executing my plan...so when it doesn't go just right h feels the stress of me stressing.
Yawn. I've bored even myself at this point.
Anyway...it was a good mini-milestone for me. Lots of little steps.
1.5 more days of work!!! Hooray!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
That sort of ties into something I have been working on with myself. Which is NOT stressing when something doesn't go as planned or not feeling everything HAS to be perfect!
Just taking some of the stress/pressure off of myself and I can already tell a difference.
Hope these last 1.5 days go quickly for you and that your vacation is relaxing and full of quality time!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Iknow what you mean about getting stressed because you don't know which is the right thing and thus you back away from it. I do this too, it's hard to break bad habits!!!
A holiday will be great for you both! I worry that when we go on holiday that we will not be good companions, so lately I have been looking at how i am with my friends and tr to replicate that behaviour around my H.
Lately i have felt the distance and barriers that I have put between H and I, I know tat it is a self protection action, but it is harmful to our R.
Some days i just want to talk to him, and have a big D & M (deep and meaningful) chat with him, like we used to.
Quote: Some days i just want to talk to him, and have a big D & M (deep and meaningful) chat with him, like we used to.
Lee, I'm afraid I don't know enough about your sitch .. when you say D&M do you mean R talk? 'cause those are still killer to my R even almost 2 years later...(when they are the big old formal ones). How about just hanging out shooting the S*&T? Walking and talking, hiking and talking, eating out and talking. I've found that long walks with lots of silences also encourage the chit chat.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
It's a BIG day today! h has a final exam and also hands in his paper. It's my last day of work until the 16th -- yahoo!
I think we'll have a big old celebration tonight!
Had a good night. Went and got my hair cut. I'm very pleased with how it came out. Picked up burritos on the way home and hung out with h. It's very cozy with him on the couch...he lets me put my feet on his lap
We're having some work done on the house (well, the yard) while we're gone. it's something that h has wanted done for a while and he arranged for the whole thing. I forget sometimes how good that makes him feel. He was very excited yesterday when he was telling me about it! Will be nice to come home from vacation to a cleaned up yard!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
when you say D&M do you mean R talk? 'cause those are still killer to my R even almost 2 years later...(when they are the big old formal ones). How about just hanging out shooting the S*&T? Walking and talking, hiking and talking, eating out and talking. I've found that long walks with lots of silences also encourage the chit chat.