Whew! What a crazy work day this has been! Finally have a moment to post..
First off, thanks to you all for the visits and support..PIB, Ellie, Minnie, Pamila ( ) I really appreciate knowing you guys are out there and "get" where I'm at.
Soon after I posted my "friend" stopped by to see if we could do lunch this week...I was quick to say "no" but have to be honest with myself -- I'll likely have to have a pointed conversation with him if only to clear up any misperceptions he may be living under -- it's also self-preservation because it's making me feel crazy!
On a more positive note...I went out to lunch with the guy who usually drives me MOST crazy here (I've mentioned him before) -- it was at his request and I think it actually went pretty well...this is one of these sitch's where some good DB'ing (as many of you have suggested!) could go a long way.
Now..as to home...had a great night with h last night. He was very excited and loving and positive when I got home last night. We had a casual evening -- pizza and the ballgame and snuggling on the couch! We're meeting tonight to have a quick dinner and to go to see a movie so I'm looking forward to that.
**************** Ellie, I want to thank you for your post. It's funny, I had thought yesterday about e-mailing you and asking for your opinion and then I come to my thread and there it is! WOW! I think I willed it
I really appreciate your insights and observations about my sitch...and as you know, I have been stuck on more than one occasion about the "fact" that we haven't really "processed" the EA...least in a way that I feel I understand...and I can (obviously, completely, wholeheartedly) understand and agree that that represents an added risk associated with having a child (and all that having a wee one entails!).
Your validation of my concerns and fears was very liberating for me...something about hearing "yah, it's scary" felt really rejuvenating! I think I was so mired in the muck and fear and worry that your extending your thoughts felt like a hand-up out of it....so thanks a whole heap for that.
The way that it rejuvenated me is to focus me on my DB'ing even more...and to focus on the things I can control and to get me to think about how to encourage more openness and communication with h. It also helped me to realize that my regression to "old behaviors" may have been alarming and scary for h, too...IOW, the stress of having a child puts ME at risk for regressing too, no?
So, a couple of plans of action...first off, to rejuvenate my KLA thread and my re-reading of DR to get some goals into place...secondly to finally finish my "review" of my prior threads (at this rate I'll never catch up!) so that I can post my "lessons learned" -- the truth is that DB'ing have helped evoke so many changes in myself and in h...it can and will be a useful tool for life...I know that.
So...goals will be centered around a few areas:
-- addressing how to stem my regression to negative behaviors when I get stressed, tired, fearful, worried, etc.
-- improving how I communicate to h my thoughts, fears, needs, etc such that...
-- h's communication to ME re his thoughts, fears, needs, etc is "clearer" with an overarching goal of...
-- understanding better how to make different choices (BOTH of US) in order to AVOID the "pre-bomb" state or worst case, break the negative cycle if we get into it...
So...kind of a parallel approach to addressing the negatives through communication (!!) and stopping the negative cycles way before they downspiral.
SO...to that end...I teed up a bit of a conversation with h last night...let him know that I was having some significant concerns likely triggered by our baby conversation plus our seeing of the movie "Before Sunset". We talked briefly about how I wanted to discuss how NOT to get into negative behaviors (both my "pain relief of choice" and his). It was just a "teeing up" of the conversation...I expect that we will discuss more fully in little chunks over the next few...um...months? He seemed very open to the discussion and not at all defensive.
One thing that devastated my m. pre-bomb was my fear based belief that WE weren't gonna "make it" (due to lots of things but notably my mom's stance on marriage and men in general)...well, we ARE going to make it...and we are going to do GOOD!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Had a great night last night...met h for a quick bite and then we went to see the director's cut of "Donnie Darko" -- I'd seen the original and didn't notice the differences but enjoyed the movie nonetheless -- it's wacky!
I'm only halfway through it but I'd like to put a plug in for the book "How can I forgive you?" by Janis Spring. I can't remember who mentioned it on their thread but I picked it up from the library and am finding it to be a very practical and grounded approach to forgiveness. I like it in particular because it's applicable to lots of relationships and "hurts" so Im hoping to apply it to my R with my mom...
Anyway, give it a read if you have a chance!
Tonight is "errand night"
We'll see what that brings!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I think it's always interesting to realize that patterns (such as the Conversation of Ultimate Doom) I think are unique to my M are really something that others are experiencing. I also confess that I share a secret fear of not "making it." Before I knew what I know now, DBing and all, I guess I didn't really appreciate what I had. So now that my M is more precious to me, I realize exactly what I would be losing. I know I could handle it, but the fear is there. Sometimes that internal questioning dynamic (where I mentally criticize myself for being so open, loving, and forgiving) just takes over. I know my sitch. I know what happened, and I know where I and my H were when it happened. It was horrible and painful, but we are not there anymore. I don't know what will happen in the future, but i know I am going to enjoy the heck out of right now! Taking life for granted is not a mistake I'll make again.
I guess what I am trying to say is "I understand." Living through this stuff is hard, and I think regression happens now and then. You are thinking in a goal-oriented way, so you are doing fine.
Hugs to you, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I got home kind of wiped out. H was raring to go (too cute!). We did a few errands and then got into an inane fight in the parking lot of Best Buy. I asked him a vague question about what he just bought (my bad), he answered but misunderstanding what I asked, I asked again (still vague?), he answered, I said "ok, ok", he said "I don't understand why you're so irked. LET'S GO HOME."
It doesn't happen often anymore (we don't seem to fight much) but it was sort of typical -- we get into a mild skirmish, h ASSumes I'm mad, he suggests going home. Normally, I try to argue him out of calling it quits but last night I just said "ok".
We went home. I made pizza and read a book. He went out.
Historically his departure would have sent me into a morass of fear and tears but I'm LEARNING to not take his leaving as a sign that he's LEAVING.
It helped that he too stepped out of his normal role a bit and said "I'm going to get something to eat" -- normally he just leaves in a huff which increases my fear and sadness.
I left him a note apologizing for my vague questions and thanking him for letting me know he was going out.
He came home after about an hour...didn't say anything about my note...didn't talk to me at all (common). I went to bed.
After another hour or so of silence this AM (tho' we did go to the gym together), he broke the ice a bit, I responded, etc. We both said ILY before he left for school.
We'll be fine with this -- nothing too out of the ordinary fightwise. I think I've just been having a tough week and I'm ready to break out of that. We're going out of town for the weekend and I think that will help.
More thinking this AM on the way to work...I've been revisiting old hurts and grievances...still struggling to forgive some of the things that happened so long ago...that's MY problem and I'm working on letting them go...no longer holding h and me hostage to the past.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Myrrh -- thanks for letting me know you "get it" too. I can completely relate to what you said about seeing what you have more clearly...just makes the fear all that more real...but then it's the FEAR, when I get enmeshed in it, that makes my actions NEGATIVE...so what a cycle! I guess the key is to TRUST ... that we are healing and on the right path, that we will both be ok, that giving it my all is the absolute right thing to do.
Sending you a cyber hug!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: We did a few errands and then got into an inane fight in the parking lot of Best Buy. I asked him a vague question about what he just bought (my bad), he answered but misunderstanding what I asked, I asked again (still vague?), he answered, I said "ok, ok", he said "I don't understand why you're so irked. LET'S GO HOME."
Looks like a scene out of my life with H.
Quote: It doesn't happen often anymore (we don't seem to fight much) but it was sort of typical -- we get into a mild skirmish, h ASSumes I'm mad, he suggests going home. Normally, I try to argue him out of calling it quits but last night I just said "ok".
I think that to a certain extent, this is kindda normal. We can't always be "on", perfect, have the right thing to say at the right moment, mind-read, etc......we're allowed. The positive is that it doesn't happen as often, right?
Quote: We'll be fine with this -- nothing too out of the ordinary fightwise. I think I've just been having a tough week and I'm ready to break out of that. We're going out of town for the weekend and I think that will help.
Exactly! This HAS been a rough week and I think you have done a remarkable job with your fear, ASSumptions, etc....
Yup, those little inane things, old patterns can pop up, can't they? I know CJ practised some awareness and patience with me the night we went to search out my "new office" (OY)
I was brimming with anxiety and outrage and in my old shiny manner was taking most of it out on him. I was really rather inconsolable...I realized it at the time, but just couldn't get it together.
The good thing is, even without discussing it, CJ realized it was MY mood about the OFFICE that was leaking out, and I just needed his support. Previously he would take my mood/words/tone as a direct personal attack on HIM in these situations.
Thus the whole thing was diffused, by the time we got home it was back to the usual.
Do you think I should make a point of analyzing this with CJ like I did here? Hmmmm.
) I really appreciate knowing you guys are out there and "get" where I'm at. 
-- it's also self-preservation because it's making me feel crazy!
