In a weird way, my previous belief that being fat was why my wife wasn't having sex with me provided me some comfort. I falsly believed that by losing weight I could unilaterally bring my love life back.
But my wife always told me that my being fat didn't have anything to do with it and I didn't believe her. Now that I've lost all this weight, it has forced me to confront all of the other deep issues that have gotten between us.
It doesn't help that I can't get my wife to tell me what the problem is.
Tony
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
My wife would probably tell you about all of the unkind things I have done to hurt her. I just wish I could get her to tell me.
Quote: Your story is intruiging and I can relate to so much of it. In particular the losing weight and feeling good about yourself, I have read many many self help books, (although I think my next one will be PM) including those on weight loss as I too, have a problem in that area. Many of these books say that something in your subconscious is telling you not to lose weight and I have recently discovered what mine is .... What if I lose weight and you are still not interested in ML with me ? OR Why should I lose weight to make you feel like ML with me when others are still interested in being with me ?? Nevertheless, I am working on it.
If you lose weight, do it for yourself, not him. Then you will be able to substitute the pleasure of overeating with the pleasure of clothes shopping .
It sounds like you need to get your husband to at least talk about the issues. If he says it's not your weight, take him at face value. Believe it or not, most men will overlook a couple of love handles, MegaMojo's experience excepted. Also, your husband could tell you that the problem is your weight just to make it your problem and not his.
Either way, we all need to learn to stand on our own two feet, to fight for what we want, and to learn to be easier on ourselves and our spouses.
Thanks for the kind words.
Tony
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
What a rotten birthday you had. That your W tore up the letter is really inexcusable. I've tried leaving loving notes in places where W will find them. She never responds to them directly, but at least she keeps them, and I think she appreciates them. I'm also only beginning to read PM, and I'm thinking about what it means to differentiate. I could also say that I am unilaterally attempting to repair the marriage, but in fact my W is responding positively to my attempts without acknowledging those attempts. This is what usually happens. Look for clues in your W's behavior.
It wasn't all bad. I had a pleasant dinner at Outback with the family, followed by a round of miniature golf and presents. I wasn't really expecting to get laid, either.
Quote: That your W tore up the letter is really inexcusable.
Fortunately, she didn't tear it up. I retrieved it from the trash intact and unstained. I'll hold onto it, but it's going to be awhile before I write her anything else.
Quote: I could also say that I am unilaterally attempting to repair the marriage, but in fact my W is responding positively to my attempts without acknowledging those attempts. This is what usually happens. Look for clues in your W's behavior.
So far I haven't seen much change in her attitude, but I'm going to keep things on the front burner. Tonight I'm going to ask her to tell me ONE thing that she hates about me, and I'm going to take it like a man.
Thanks for the input,
Tony
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
The next three nights she made a big show of kissing me good night "I'm going to bed now, so I'm going to kiss you good night so you don't get mad." After the third night of this, with some eye rolling thrown in, I got angry and told her not to bother. She told me "Your not going to go pathetic on me are you?" Touché! She still gives me the good night kiss, and her attitude has softened from patronizing to perfunctory. I guess that's progress.
Wow, cloning really works.....
Quote:
Now that I've lost all this weight, it has forced me to confront all of the other deep issues that have gotten between us.
This is a really interesting thing. I'm going to be thinking about this and Mojo's responses for a while.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: It is very difficult, if not impossible, to be strong in requesting more sex from your spouse if you aren't sexually confident yourself. Do what you need to do to feel confident.
I feel confident enough to ask, well, now I do, anyway. As far as confidence over my hypothetical sexual abilities, I can't say that I know if I will be a good lover. My sexual experience is quite limited for a man my age. For all I know, that might be one of the reasons why my wife is undermotivated. Maybe not. It's not like she ever complained in those stages of our marriage where we were in conception mode. The strange paradox is that she enjoyed sex when we had it, she just doesn't want it.
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
My birthday is coming up in two weeks. I think I'm gonna try asking for what you asked for and see what happens. You gotta realize, we didn't ML on our wedding night. Also, she promised to ML when I graduated, so, she still owes me one. A hard chit to cash in I might add. I once read that you should allow a month of healing for every bad year. That's probably not really accurate, but it gives me something to look forward to. My MC says I'm doing the right things and that our R is improving. I'm saddened that your W is holding a grudge from way back, what was it, 20 years? That's an entire generation of time. Short of murder, nothing should still cause such bad feelings after that long. A year ago, when our R was at a low point, I demanded to know why she wouldn't ML. She said she always hated doing it with me, and that I was very unskilled. Boy, did that hurt. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the same bed with her in those days, and I remember a lot of good times. Anger and resentment tend to rewrite history. I'd love to improve my skills, but I don't get enough reps these days. The coach has benched me. And then she complains that I'm not skilled. Go figure .
Quote: A year ago, when our R was at a low point, I demanded to know why she wouldn't ML. She said she always hated doing it with me, and that I was very unskilled. Boy, did that hurt.
That is total B.S. along the lines of the best defense is a good offense. If I was in love with a man who I felt to be "unskilled" in bed, I would think "He doesn't know what I like, I better show/tell/guide him in a nice way.". If his ego was so fragile or he was so insensitive that he wouldn't look/listen or allow himself to be guided then that would be a problem, but if he was enthusiastic and eager to please, I'm sure he would easily improve his "skills" and present his own variations. In my experience, each of my lovers brought a very different "skill" set to bed with him. I wouldn't necessarily be able to say which set was better overall, I could only judge which skill set worked better on me at the time.
The advice I would offer to a man who felt himself to be "unskilled" in bed, would be much the same advice I would offer to a man who felt himself to be unskilled at home repair. Read some good general purpose manuals like "The Guide to Getting it On" or if you learn better by visual example buy one of the widely available technique teaching videos. Make sure your "tools" are in good shape and keep them that way. Don't try to rewire your partner's whole house, if you've never even installed a switch. Don't get discouraged or angry and abandon the project half-done in frustration. Pay attention to detail and don't forget those finishing touches. Be sure and clean up when you're done.
Quote: I'd love to improve my skills, but I don't get enough reps these days. The coach has benched me. And then she complains that I'm not skilled. Go figure .
If I were you, I would read some sex manuals in front of the coach. If she commented on your reading choice, I would say "This is a great book. I'm getting a lot of new ideas and learning a lot of new techniques. This information has really improved and added variety to my fantasy life. Someday soon I plan on trying all these things in real life." I think this would be a very Schnarchian thing to do. Your wife would be presented with a whole series of two-choice dilemmas. She'll have to choose whether she'll respond or pretend to ignore what you said. If you "hold on to yourself" and stay calm, whether her reaction is angry or sad or cold, she will eventually have to realize that you are absolutely serious in your intention to explore new sexual realms and improve your skills and she will have to decide if she is willing to join you in this endeavor or risk that you will go find a new team to play for or another house to improve.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I wouldn't schedule things. That just doesn't work. Mega is right that calling you a bad lover is her counter attack defense. Call her on it: ask her to be specific, what can you do to improve, when can you try these things on her.
Then again, if she is really good, she'll shut you up by telling you your penis is too small .
Tony
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
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That your W tore up the letter is really inexcusable. I've tried leaving loving notes in places where W will find them. She never responds to them directly, but at least she keeps them, and I think she appreciates them.
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