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Update....

Tonight, my W retaliated against me taking her to counseling by making me watch Under the Tuscan Sun with her.

We had a nice snuggly time on the sofa and when she went to bed, we exchanged kisses for a bit (in my office). They got pretty passionate and I felt confident enough to initiate (note that we ml last night) and I turned off the light. My W saw the "approach" and then reminded me that she really just wanted to go to bed and that I should feel satisfied with the fact that my kisses motivated her to stay about 3 times longer than she intended. Then she said "don't tell me your cup is already empty". My reply: "Why does it have to be empty?...I want you because it's NOT empty..but I'll tuck you in anyways". I brushed my teeth and got in bed with her and we kissed some more and gently touched her etc. I then told her "I know you want to go to sleep and that's fine...I won't get weird. I just wanted to let you know that I'm really lovin' you right now and would love to 'get together'." She seemed to be at a loss of words so I said..."so just say 'that's a very nice thought but I'm too tired and would love to be with you soon'". She repeated it back verbatim and I gave her a kiss and said "good night" and she said "thank you" in a way that let me know that she appreciated the fact that I didn't push her.

So, I'm proud of myself for sharing my true feelings about what I wanted etc. and I think it was a good exercise to try that even in the face of a "preemptive rejection". Here's the problem. I feel like I gambled some EC to do that. Her reasoning was 100% reasonable for not wanting to be with me...so why should I feel slightly resentful? I think if we get to a point where we a rejection is the exception instead of the norm and my cup has been consistently full for a while, then it won't be a big deal. There's just so much legacy garbage going on that even the most gentle rejections hurt a little.

I'm happy to admit that my feelings about this are completely isolated from other-validation etc. As a matter of fact, it's been a very long time since I've taken rejection personally. It's just that now, I seem to accept rejection with prejudicial judgment. It's very peculiar. This is the garbage I'm hoping to get my hands around with the new C.

Dave,

I had a very similar experience last week. For a very long time, wanting him had led to pain and I think this is now almost a conditioned reflex. Maybe its the same for you. It will take time for the pain to heal. I hope your new C helps you sort through this.

J

I'm following NOP, Corri to approach my W more and initiate. Last night we had a very nice, somewhat spontaneous LM session. W didn't go for the O but she did a great job of trying to make the event seem natural. What was more impressive was the fact that she was very tired yet overcame the energy vampire to make the connection with me. It was a very nice gesture. Other than that, I have nothing to report.

W visited the C alone today. C is just gathering info right now. No news to report...(as if you guys were seriously hanging on my next post...ha!) .

Nothing much to report. ML last night...that's Sun, Tues, Thurs. Not bad but last night I got the "haven't I met the quota?" question and a somewhat grumpy, mercy-sex approach. This time, instead of telling her to "forget it", I just let it happen and she actually got into it some. It was a risk that paid off. It was good for my heart to be with her.

The "structure" of a C makes me much less likely to get weird and have big convos. That's why I'm not reporting much. I'm holding steady and waiting to see where the C takes us. She's got a great grasp on PM beyond my comprehension. I'll report back as I go through it.

Good luck, Dave. Be sure to bring any helpful insights you get from the counselor back to the PM book group here.

Dear Dave,

You Da Man .

Two weeks ago I took the pedals off of D6's bicycle. She loved riding it like it was a scooter. As a matter of fact, her mom and I were concerned that she liked it too much and would not want me to put the pedals back on. The neighborhood kids saw what we were doing and thought we were nuts!

Dave, she went from having to be dragged kicking and screaming to "work" on learning how to ride without training wheels to dragging us outside two or three times a day so she could ride the bike without the pedals.

Then Friday, I decided that she was as good as she was going to get at balancing herself by pushing off with her feet. I asked her if she wanted me to put the pedals back on her bike. She said OK. Today I put the pedals on and called her out. I held the bike up while she got on, but other than that I did not hold her up at all. Then she pushed off with her feet and got a decent speed before she started pedaling. She wobbled her way onto the grass, but she put her bike back on the sidewalk and tried it again. This time she got half way down the street before she lost her balance. I was following on foot with her 12 year old sister, whom I told "You'd better get your own bike if you want to keep up." D6 rode to the end of the street and turned around bearing the biggest s**t-eating grin her little face could contain. I'm sure I had the same grin.

Her sister and I followed her on foot as she pedaled her way around the block. Then I got on my own bike to ride with her when she went around the block again. After dinner, it started raining and she cried because she couldn't go out again.

So, thanks for your advice. I have only two questions: where are the pedals on my wife and how do I remove them?

SM

Solid,

Rockin! I'm excited to hear that it worked for you guys! Hey this board can use some success stories!

Anyway, it's a pretty neat example of breaking a problem down into manageable pieces. When faced with trying to balance and pedal, it's a painful, seemingly fruitless process...but isolating each piece, like balance first, then pedaling after makes the process fun and quick. It's a great metaphor for so many things.

You are right on the money by asking where your W's pedals are. I sometimes feel like we all are working so hard and our efforts are leading to unenthusiastic partners who are frustrated, irritated and seemingly unable to learn. We are all trying to figure out if there is some simple principle that can be applied to our situations. We should explore this here. I'm trying to fix the SSM by slowly helping my W reap the rewards of taking small risks by doing things similar to the time I taught her to snow ski. She was attracted to me for my sense "adventure" but she trusted me to bring it to her in a safe way. Somewhere along the line, her perception of me changed from "exciting" to "scary" and a little of the trust was gone. I too used to appreciate her "ground" personality which later turned into "boring". This might have nothing to do with the sex issue but it's something that I can work on and build a connection in the process. For example, we had the absoluted best day today when we went tubing on a river in N. Georgia. She has been really opening herself up to some of these activities and letting herself "try" again in these areas. I feel like I'm married to my college sweetheart again. My strategy is to make her world look and feel similar to a time when we used really connect. It seems to be working and we're both having a great time in the process.

I got a call from my C today that I need to share here because it deals with insurance, eap, etc.

As you may remember, my new C is outside of my insurance network and I would only be reimbursed a percentage of the bill. She called because my insurance company sent her a 5 page form to fill out so she could receive her reimbursement. She was probably calling because she didn't want to waste her time with the paperwork but in the end, she convinced me to forgo any insurance reimbursement. By the time we finished discussing this, I was happy with my decision and the good news is that she is going to give me a discount. I'm still hating the idea of spending this much money.

So, I thought I was going to be reimbursed 70% of her $120 /hr bill. No, no, no. She and I got letters from the insurance company and it said that they reimburse based upon a customary fee of (don't laugh...) $70 / hr. which comes out to me receiving $50 from the insurance company. So now we are at $70 / session. But she gave me some other things to think about....

While a prospective employer may not be able to access your medical records, they are free to ask if you have ever been treated for a mental disorder. Lying about that can be grounds for dismissal at a later date if they eventually discover this fact. I'm not too worried about this because I'm fairly confident that my employer would never be affected negatively by my mental problems...hell, they've been taking advantage of my mental problems for years...it's what makes me do so well at work. If you are looking for an employee, I think it's a great idea to find someone who is highly other-validated, and has a problem with hyper-focusing...a killer combo.

Secondly, the insurance company requires a diagnosis. They keep these records confidential but there is always a possibility that they will merge with another company who might not have the same privacy policies. I'm not sure but I think life insurance companies can inquire about this.

This C said that she anyone who walks in her door can be diagnosed with something...typically it's an Adjustment Disorder. I don't feel like counseling is as taboo as some might but paying a counselor cash, is a pretty sure-fire way to keep things truly confidential.

Last week, I was given the name of a counselor that was provided by my EAP for 8 free sessions. I shared this name with my new C and she said that this person is great and that I'm lucky to have her in my plan. The problem is that I don't want to switch. My heart is telling me that this new one is really good. My W likes her and she has a way creating a "no b.s." atmosphere. We've got a few sessions into it and I'm don't want to force my W to go through the "history" with another one. I'm really struggling with this decision. The cost is going to kill me. I wanted to save up for a trip to Disney...forget it. I still might switch.

Anyway, my new C offered to reduce her rate. If the insurance company thinks that the other C can fix a marriage in 8 sessions, then maybe this one can give us value within 8-10 sessions. The way I have to think of it is this...how much would 1 month rent in an apartment be if we separated? How much would a divorce attorney be? How much of my 401k, home equity, etc. would I lose? How much would it cost for child support? What would it cost for a Porsche? (just kidding). If my goal is to put a protective skin on our marriage, and it works, then it will be well worth it. If it doesn't then, I can mentally toss this expense onto the heap of other expenses and it will look tiny by comparison.

Anyway, I'm meeting her tomorrow and I will see if my impression remains as good. It might be like buying a health club membership. Where the motivation to work on things comes from the fact that you don't want to waste all that money. Maybe this is a therapeutic ploy on her part to ensure success.

I feel the need to state something that is probably pretty obvious here. It's not our wives' pedals that we need to remove. We clearly know how to ride them. It OUR pedals that need to be removed. Perhaps if our wives could just ride us like a scooter for a while, then, the joy of husband-riding could be rediscovered. When they've re-learned how to balance, we can re-install the pedals. By the end of a step-by-step re-introduction, pretty soon, they will be going to the local Kmart to purchase streamers for the handle bar, a little bell or horn, and maybe even a water bottle for the ol' frame. I will, however, draw the line on her installing a little license plate with her name onto my butt.

Husband-riding - it's recreational!

Hairdog