Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Slow and Steady

Dave,
I totally got what you were saying and it didn't surprise me that she did that No Touchie maneuver. It is classic not wanting to want and there really isn't anything you can do to solve it, but I do believe you can help HER solve it, kwim?

Mojo was right on the money with what I was trying to say...what gets her aroused enough so that she WANTS you to touch her? Does she even know?

For instance, even though I am HD there are certain times that I don't want clitoral stimulation right away. Now they are not that frequent; I'm usually ready by the time he gets into bed just thinking about what may happen, lol.
But sometimes not. And on those nights I do not want clitoral stim right off the bat. I have a very specific list of things that I like and that get me wet and ready for his hands to do some walkin, but my list would perhaps look nothing like Mrs. Dave's.

I agree with you that she has had quite enough to process lately and throwing one more thing at her right now would be disastrous, but it is something to think about: Stop accepting that this is just the "way" she is. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't! If she has never explored it and you are not allowed to, then who knows..

Also if she is very out of touch with her own body and likes/dislikes, it might take some time before she stumbles on to the things that she likes. You may have to try things (all the while working through her nervousness and joking sarcasm) to see what it is that she likes.

Unfortunately, it sounds like she has become so Dave-focused in regards to sex that she is not really focusing on herself and what she wants out of the experience.

I think women are basically alike. The difference between me and Mrs. Dave (MD) is not that I like sex and she doesn't. It is that my threshold for readiness occurs MUCH sooner than hers does. This could apply to so many things..my readiness for TRYING to get aroused, my readiness for actual sex (that is the time it takes me to become lubricated), my readiness to look forward to the big event, etc. All of this occurs much sooner in me but the basic steps are the same.
So my point is that, even though I'm HD, there have been times when I have prevented my H from touching me because I just wasn't mentally or physically there yet. For me, a little talk or kissing would get me ready for that in about 5 seconds (whereas for MD it might take 5 minutes, but who cares?! As if you are anxious for it to end..)
For her, she might want to read a sexy letter you wrote for her. Or she might want a massage with a "back massager" (wink wink). My point is that there are certainly things that can take her from 0 to 60; to sit back and say, Don't touch me tonight cause nothing is going to happen is both defeatist and frustrating for the other partner!

Another interesting note is that my preferences in bed for getting aroused are NOTHING like my preferences out of bed. That is, I like a lot of talking during foreplay. It gets me going quicker than anything else. Outside the bedroom, H's excessive chattiness drives me nuts. So she might be thinking that her sexual likes will fall in line with the "rest" of her and that may be off.

I don't know, I am just throwing out a female perspective here. I know it is skewed and the info may not apply, but just wanted you to know that I'm brainstorming for ya!

HP

FWIW, HP and I are in complete agreement.

Okay, I'm getting mixed up between the baseball team analogy and the bicycle analogy. The baseball team is something she signed up for, and the bicycle is her arousal level...so can she ride her bike in first gear around first base, or should she be in second by then? And what about the chess club?

And don't even get me started about my fear of her chain falling off.

Hairdog - confused

An Amazing Thing Happened Last Night!!!!

I was feeling really feeling attracted to her yesterday and there was a really good vibe going on. W and I watched a movie until 11:00 (very late for her). When the movie was over, I said "I'm sure you want to go to sleep tonight and your completely off the hook, but I wanted to let you know that I was really 'digging' you today and would have loved to ML tonight." (that would be as crappy of an initiation as hers if it were my intention to initiate) . She replied with something like "that's nice" in a nice way.

So I went upstairs and posted etc while I let my W go to bed and she was reading for about 15 mins. So I went in and she told me that she was waiting for me before turning off the lights. My dog was sleeping on my side of the bed so I snuck into my W's side. It was hilarious because I have never been on that side of her in the bed. She started air-kissing in the direction that I'm usually at and saying "this is strange, I'm kissing but my H isn't there". She finally turned her head over and we started kissing and I started giving her gentle neck rubs and kisses. About 10 minutes in, she took her nightgown off (I was shocked) and I kept touching her...her skin was covered in goose-bumps. I was extremely aroused and she started playing with me. Next thing you know, we are in full swing. I was on top and was going for the vaginal O. Like I said before, it requires some athleticism. She was really enjoying it but she finally said that she didn't care if she O'd because though it was feeling really good to her and that she really just wanted to be with me. This time, I *knew* she was being very honest and this wasn't a mercy thing. Unless I my instinct was wrong, she wanted the closeness and connection but didn't really care for the O. Note that she had a big one a couple nights ago. There was a nice feeling of intimacy and "connection" boosting in both directions. We then laid on our sides with me spooning her and ML from that angle. I reached around and started massaging her clit. She said "that feels really good but I probably won't get *there*". So I used that hand to massage and scratch her back and neck and I asked "Is this better then?". She said "oh yah..that feels good". I continued for a bit before I stopped. Because of our birth control situation (or lack thereof), I only have 1 choice for me to O while being close to her and thats to have hold me while doing manual play. This way, we can kiss etc. Usually I have assist and while I do take matters into my own hands, she puts on an erotic display of touching herself etc. My thigh can feel her hand as she massages herself and whoa....it works.

Sorry for all the gory details. I'm just so buzzin' today. We've had great interaction this morning too. I think we both came out "winners" last night because we came together at "similar" levels. This is how its "supposed" to be. No ritual, no candles, no overt initiation...just an organic process of boosting each others feelings to a point where we get together.

I'm really feeling compelled to let go of the process now. I can just let her know that I won't be acting weird on Thurs if we are overdue for the midweek session etc. That I will no longer be expecting it or keeping score. This would be more of an exercise for me than her. I'm not sure. It's just starting to feel like the right move though my instincts have been wrong in the past.

Boy, I'm still buzzing from last night. I'm going for a long bike ride.

Dave,
Here is a suggestion for you: There is a really good book called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. (I think I spelled her name right)
It was designed to be used to either get or prevent a pregnancy. Basically it teaches, with the use of pictures and drawings, how a woman's fertility cycle works. Women, as a rule, are hopelessly out of touch with the mechanics of their own bodies.

When I was reading it (to achieve pregnancy, which didn't end up happening w/o the use of drugs) I was amazed at how little I knew and much I had misinterpreted the normal signals of my body, over the years.

Being responsible for your own fertility is a big decision. It requires a level of dedication that makes most people shudder.

HOWEVER, it's gotta beat the "pull out" method that you are currently using!

That way you could relax and enjoy the moment. Just a thought for you..

Honey, who is infertile and therefore has no worries, mate.

Or Dave, you could get snipped like me. I did this last year and, about a month and a half after it happened, my wife reached over and said, "so does this thing still work okay?" We ML...oh jeeze, that was the next to the last time we made love. The last time was in June.

Here I am trying to offer advice and I just gave myself a major bummer.

Have a good weekend everyone. I am about out of here.

Hairdog

Hey honey,

Interesting info. Our "method" is not ideal, but it's not bad either. I never let it get to a point where I violently whip it out at the last second. The way she lays there with me is really nice. BUT (isn't there always one)...I'm working up the courage to tell my W that I want a V. This subject could be an entirely different thread. We only have 1 child...a 6 year old. We are both ambivalent about another and have come to the conclusion that we don't really care if we have one or don't. The technique we are using is not the safest but we figure (you guys are going to think we are so insane when I say this) that an accidental pregnancy would be an indicator that we *should* have another. We aren't the most religious couple, but we do believe that everything works according to an elegant randomness and that we should pay attention to "clues", "synchronicities", and "coincidences". BUT (another one). My W says that her window will close in 2 years. Mine is pretty much closed now, so I'm thinking that I should bank some seeds and get the V. This sounds so nutty. But on the same token, I'm extremely hesitant to have another child in our current situation.

Dear Dave,

Quote:

---

But on the same token, I'm extremely hesitant to have another child in our current situation.

---

I can totally relate to this. When we were talking about having a second child, I was very ambivalent because, even then, I wasn't too wild about how our marriage was going. But I agreed because I, too, wanted a second child. I have absolutely no regrets.

Our preferred method of birth control, abstinance, has been 100% effective . The method of birth control you are practicing is quite likely to result in a "happy accident". I hope you are OK with that.

Tony