Thanks for the reply. I've been very impressed by your advice here. Out of curiosity about the wise sage of the SSM Board (you), I went back to your first post - Monkey on a String. This gives me hope. It sounds like you have made some good progress in a relatively short period of time.
I read Michelle's response and she mentioned "sadness" versus "disappointment". My W has been telling me alot that she feels like a big disappointment to me and I'm sure I'm fueling these feelings because YES, I am disappointed and I'm even a little angry but I don't show it when we talk about stuff.
It made me wonder if I should, along with changing the tempo, change the tone? I would like to ask everyone what I could do to assure her that she's not a "disappointment", but in fact, I feel that she is. My struggle seems to be with my own feelings. Candid honesty right now is probably not good for our situation.
I keep telling myself "she owes me nothing, she is not obligated to 'desire' me just because we are married." But if she says there is "nothing" I can do to improve her desire for me, then I'm lost. It's just weird.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: This is interesting because this is where I went with some of my convo the other night...dangerously close to offering advice.
It's not offering advice, per se, but it's example of how you might see things going. I had to laugh because here on the DB message threads, we're alllll about offering advice. Quite dangerous, indeed!
Perhaps the tone should be "hopeful for the future" - that you have been disappointed in the past, but that the future does not have to repeat the past? I have to ask you... do you believe that your W can change your mind about her being a disappointment? Why IS she a disappointment to you?
AnlerDave said: ----------------- Thanks for the reply. I've been very impressed by your advice here. Out of curiosity about the wise sage of the SSM Board (you), I went back to your first post - Monkey on a String. This gives me hope. It sounds like you have made some good progress in a relatively short period of time. -----------------
Thanks for the compliment, but the results I have enjoyed are due mostly to two reasons.
1) My wife finally became convinced that it was an issue that had to be dealt with and 2) I never do anything half-ass. Like you, I tend to be all or nothing.
Fortunately, somewhere along the rocky road, I learned a bit of tenderness and patience toward my wife. I also learned that I wasn't a perfect husband.
These are humbling experiences for a big guy with a big brain and mucho sexual experience. How could any of it possibly be MY fault. No way! Well it was.
AntlerDave also said: ---------------- I read Michelle's response and she mentioned "sadness" versus "disappointment". My W has been telling me alot that she feels like a big disappointment to me and I'm sure I'm fueling these feelings because YES, I am disappointed and I'm even a little angry but I don't show it when we talk about stuff. ----------------
What would your reaction be if your son where to decide that playing T ball meant everything, but no matter how hard he tried, he just wasn't any good at it? Even if you were disappointed, would you let him see that? Why would you be disappointed? After all, his heart is in the right place, and he is making a very solid effort.
What about your wife?
My wife may never be what I (at one time) thought I absolutely had to have. what she has done is put her heart into the effort. Who the hell am I to tell her that she hasn't tried hard enough or that she isn't good enough?
When I was in Jr. high, There was a kid that wanted to play football more than anyone I have ever known or seen since. I hated playing, but I was good at it due to my size and strength. I basically played because my father demanded it. This kid, on the other hand, was small and clumsy. What he did have was a heart for the game. He would work at practice until he was physically near exhaustion. He tried MUCH harder than any other player. Even given his effort, he was never going to be "first string". Regardless, he was still on the team, all the way through school, long after I had stopped playing.
I would much rather have a player like that kid on my team, than someone like me at the time, who hating playing at all.
I am glad my wife has a heart for the game. I believe that yours does as well.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
My W also feels like a disappointment to me. She's even said that if she had known she had all of these sex problems, she never would have married.
The fact is, she HAS disappointed me, but I don't ever want to say that to her. She already has a poor enough self image and doesn't need me to put any additional dents in it. Like you, I want to assure her that she's not disappointment to me, even though, like you, I feel that she is.
Quote: I would like to ask everyone what I could do to assure her that she's not a "disappointment", but in fact, I feel that she is.
Don't lie to her, but don't necessarily let her in on THIS, either. This is your crucible, and you need to work through it.
Quote: My struggle seems to be with my own feelings.
That is true.
Quote: I keep telling myself "she owes me nothing, she is not obligated to 'desire' me just because we are married." But if she says there is "nothing" I can do to improve her desire for me, then I'm lost.
I've often thought that Tim is our Yoda and we are all his fledgling Jedi HD knights.
My wife is a dud, too. I don't want to tell her this, because I know it will not result in anything other than more anger, more resentment, more fights, and, of course, more "dud-ness." So I "act as if" she's not a dud.
When she asks if I am "disappointed in her" (which she never would ask, probably), I would say no, but that I'm disappointed in my situation.
Hairdog - young padawan. Young, and wreckless is he. Like his father.
