yes, dfb, it breaks my heart for S....he loves his dad soooo much (as all kids do) and is such an incredibly bright and intiuitive kid, that he picks up on way too much. His dad used to do a lot of things with him before OW, now.....H is often pretty distant. I know that angers S and that he used to worry that he did something wrong. I've talked with him a lot about it not being his fault, and I think he has pretty come to see that. I am glad SIL is around now, and he does things w/S. D will be back in a month and they are close, so that will help too. I just wish this crap would get resolved and done with already
Quote: yes, dfb, it breaks my heart for S....he loves his dad soooo much (as all kids do) and is such an incredibly bright and intiuitive kid, that he picks up on way too much.
It seems like he does - probably more than he should, though I think at least he realizes that his dads behavior is wrong. In some cases, kids see what their parents do and mimic it through their lives. It's a delicate situation, because you want your son to have his dad as much as possible, but you don't want him to think that cheating is acceptable.
I hope that your H comes around soon - not only for your sake, but your sons. He really needs his dad (or a father figure) figuring prominently in his life.
Quote: his face was bright, dark red....I couldnt tell that his eyes looked like he had been crying, but his face was the color it gets when he is...he said he didnt feel very well and had been resting....I put my hand on the side of his face and it was hot, when I asked about a temp, he thought that side had been on the pillow....H hurried off and went to the basement and put in a couple miles on the treadmill....kind of like he couldnt handle seeing me or didnt want me to see him.
Quote: H came up and sat on the stair landing, which he does sometimes. He looked incredibly sad, but the redness was gone from his face...H looked sad, not ill....as I sat there working on the checks, I had the feeling that H was considering saying something, but he didnt.....
Gosh Deb...This is so hard! If this is the exact way things went when your H broke up with OW before ...then I guess maybe that is what's going on (again)?? There wouldn't be a chance that she is giving him ultimatums, would there? I know we could speculate all over the place, but you knowing your H best ... you probably need to go with that "gut feeling".
This is where DBing is so very hard!! (Well...it is just plain hard anyway!!) From the sounds of it though, YOU are staying on track! You mentioned not knowing what to say. In my opinion, when in doubt ... say nothing, which is just how you handled it!
I am hoping that your weekend is going well. Am anxiously awaiting to hear how you are doing.
Okay Deb, I have just finished rereading some of my thread. As you know, I got a lot of really great advice from HB and others on this BB. I am quoting some things that were "relayed" to me below. These are things that I am sure you already know, but sometimes it is just good to see this advice again to remind us..
Quote: One of the reasons we do not confront an MLCer is YOU CAN NOT REASON WITH THEM. As you said they are all over the place.
You have to basically ride it out.
You mentioned that you thought maybe your H was in classic MLC.
Quote: HB has given you good advice, Stop confronting him.
If he brings it up, don't bite, don't catch the ball, stop your part of the dance.
In my case, I had been arguing with my H a lot...trying to get him to see the "light". Duh!! Silly me!!
Quote: Setting boundaries with an MLCer is tricky business. Done with extreme caution and must be well thought out.
Stop mentioning the calls or text messages or anything relating to ow, not forever, but for awhile.
You must get your focus off of your H's behavior and on to yourself. Detach, detach.
I thought that some of this might apply to some things that you are feeling/going through right now. The rest ... I guess, to look at for possible future reference.
Hi TC, thanks, you are right, I feel this info applies very aptly to my sitch right now, I actually found it going through your threads earlier and copied it off, I thought it was so appropriate. this is pretty much what I've been trying to keep in mind and do....will post about week end in a little while...want to respond to some more things here.
hi dfb...you are so right about concerns that youngsters will think that cheating is acceptable....I have to say that I believe that is not the case and never will be with S....S has this incredibly "overdeveloped" sense of morality and of social justice (he's a gifted kid, and this is a characteristic of such that fits him to a "T"). I believe he will never see it as acceptable, poor kid even sighed one time and said "Well, at least I know WHAT NOT TO DO when I get married" in reference to the A. One of my biggest concerns has been the anger towards his dad....I truely believe he will sever ties w/his dad if the OW wins, and I'm not sure that will be in his best interest. But I've decided to "butt out", that dealing with his relationship with his children is something H must do for himself....I told him as much back around the first of the year, and I've done a good job of staying out of it, if I do say so myself.
This is hard and weird, TC....but it is exactly how he's acted when they've broken up before....she is such a manipulator, she dumps him and then takes him back, and he's evidently dumb enough to fall for it....sheesh. H told me just before we left on vacation, when I had a conniption after finding pics of them in "our" vacation spot, that she had told him to decide, no more "part time" stuff....that was just over a month ago....I've been pretty much ignoring it all successfully, other than my "losing it" episode on vacation, brought on by being in the same cabin "they" were in last fall....... I don't know, I have to say I think I'm handling things differently than H or OW would have expected.... before we left on vacation, when I found out we would likely be in "that" cabin, someone on the BB suggested "getting my moneys worth out of that bed!"....and I did just that!!!!!! and, H is still talking about what a great vacation this years was. My guess is both he and OW would have predicted I'd have been blown away and wiped out by that cabin.....nope, managed to have a great time for the most part myself.
