Actually, I know he is. We have seperate computers, have had for a while. I went in to 'his' computer a while back to look for a file I needed (I have my own desktop on that computer as well) and there were many many files just sitting there on his desktop. I haven't had the guts to bring that up - I know that sounds pretty lame...
I actually sort of regretted confronting my H about the porn issue. He was able to twist my words and act as though I was just being prudish about porn or masturbation. I had to keep repeating that I wouldn't care if he did it if I was getting my share of the action. It's not really necessary to bring up the porn if you can just be strong in your request for more sex and passion.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Thanks, that was my thought too - it doesn't bother me enough to justify the argument that would ensue. One thing you learn as a mother of four is to 'choose your fights' . It actually made me feel a little better when I found it, I know there's some activity on his part anyway...
I'll write more later when I have the time to sit for a while and think straight.
Summer finally arrived here this week - it's been cold and rainy up 'till now, so I've been spending the days at the lake with the kids.
I've been thinking about goals:
1. Getting (and reading) PM and TSSM. This is harder than it sounds - as I said, I have to order on-line, and since H deals with all the finances, I will have to bring up before that I'm ordering something, does he want to anything, etc. (we don't order too often, and always try to combine 'cause of shipping). Not sure what his reaction will be if he knows what I'm ordering, may get a bit defensive.
2. Be pleasant and friendly. in order for me to even consider dealing with any 'real' issues, I'm going to have to be pleasant, and try to engage him in some kind of light conversation first. If he feels stressed, or at all uncomfortable, he retreats and gets quiet (he's quiet anyway, so this means almost silence).
I would like a kiss and hug when he leaves for work, and when he gets home (while I'm on vacation - otherwise when I get home from work), and a kiss and hug goodnight (even this is a *big* step - for the past year or so he comes to bed with candy and a book, and if I try to be affectionate or even just talk he pushes me away 'I think you should just go to sleep' is the usual response.)
3. Start a conversation about our lack of intimacy. This one is the hardest. First i have to find a time that he'll listen - previous attempts ar always met with 'Not right now' (and he refuses to set a time) or just making himself completely unavailable.
I did write him a letter a couple of weeks ago in which I said that I was hurt by his lack of affection, and that I wanted to have physical intimacy in our relationship. There were other things in the letter, refering to a previous argument, and he has brought these up, but hasn't made any mention of the intimacy issue. I did say that it was important to me that he comment on what I said in the letter, so I guess I could call him on that.
In the past, when I've really pushed him on something (nothing this 'delicate'), it works that first he ignores my request as long as possible, 'till it gets to a point where a decision *has* to be made, and then he tries to get out of it by attacking me ('you haven't done anything' - or 'why do you bother me with things like this' 'why did you wait 'till now to bring it up' etc. etc.) and it takes me a while of calmly answering these attacks several times before he realizes that he's not going to push me to anger (so that he can blame me for blowing up, and give him an out) before he will finally do what I've asked.
I think I will wait 'till I've been able to read at least some of the books. My main concern is that in the past, when he knows I'm uncomfortable and have made it known to him, he tends to take it out verbally, especially on the kids. His vacation starts next week, and I'm torn between using this as a good time to bring this up, and just building on the friendly atmosphere that we've had for the past couple of weeks.
I want to be sure I can address this without coming off sounding like I'm attacking him.
1. Getting (and reading) PM and TSSM. This is harder than it sounds - as I said, I have to order on-line, and since H deals with all the finances, I will have to bring up before that I'm ordering something, does he want to anything, etc.
You can order TSSM and PM by phone through Powell's (866-201-7601 toll-free unless you're in the Portland area), and you get this agnostic's benediction for buying books this once JUST FOR YOURSELF! You can get it through the library, and it's against the professional ethics of librarians to tell a soul (John Ashcroft may ask, but I don't think those two books are generally read by terrorists, no matter what some irritated S's may say). Consider your homework to get the books and worry less about your husband's finding out than your need to get information and perspective.
If your H is as quiet as you say, you don't need to confront him with anything in terms of your reading the book. If he asks something like "Why are you reading that ("book" or epithet here)?" you can just smile sweetly and say, "That's okay, dear. You can have it when I'm done." If there's any truth to TSSM, you're right he's likely to have all his defenses up and darned scared as well. But this isn't a one-magic-conversation issue, so hiding it doesn't make sense.
The problem with getting the books that way is I live in Finland. So it won't be at the local, or any library within a couple thousand miles radius , and they can't get it on interlibrary loan.
As all credit cards are in H's name (I'm not a citizen here and came here as a 'poor' student with no cards of my own all those years ago) He will notice eventually if I order it, which I have to, so it is just polite (and saves problems later) if I tell him I'm ordering something. It still may be I'm able to do it fairly indiscretely, and I may be worrying about nothing - for all I know he'll be relieved if I start reading them!!
I'm not really as worried as it sounds about hiding them, but I do have an added dimension in my sitch of cultural differences. It's difficult to describe, but there are definate differences in how our two cultures handle personal problems, and talk about them, so I have to find a way to do it that doesn't come across as though I'm 'forcing' the issue. I'm probably going to have to go slower and 'more quietly' than many of you can for this reason. I guess that's why I'm a little nervous about being 'found' with the books. He'll either take it as 'one of those American things' and a passing fad, or be intimidated that I feel the need to read them. Either way, it's likely, right now anyway, to get him to put up walls.
E-mail one of the dealers who is selling a used version of the book on Amazon. Ask them if they are willing to ship upon receipt of a money order or traveler's check. They will probably be willing to do this and for a couple extra dollars they will even ship Global Priority which is quite fast.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Kathy, You really have your hands full honey. 4 young children is a challenge for anyone.
Being from different cultures doesn't help either. You are in a "strange" country and I'm sure don't have the support from your own family/friends/familiar places. We were discussing the strain that being from different cultures puts on relationships today in church. I know that alone is a stressor.
This board has helped me so much to deal with my own situation. Our sex life has taken a dive due to cronic illness - but the end result is the same no matter why/who started the problem. I just entered counseling and I am going to move forward with our without his help.
You can also purchase this book I am sure off of e-bay. You would send a moneyorder to an individual instead of a publisher. H wouldn't know if you had bought a cookbook or a SSM book if you don't tell him!
The book is a good one and I wish I could get H. to read it. Maybe one day he will.
Quote: 1. Getting (and reading) PM and TSSM....does he want to anything, etc. (we don't order too often, and always try to combine 'cause of shipping). Not sure what his reaction will be if he knows what I'm ordering, may get a bit defensive.
Get it at the libary.
Give us an ideal about finances, one thing that helped us was we each got so much allowance,per pay, that we could spend any way we wanted, and the other could not question it. Even if it is just $20.00. This took care of agruing over nickels and dimes.
Quote: 2. Be pleasant and friendly. in order for me to even consider dealing with any 'real' issues,
Get the audio version of MEN ARE FROM MARS AND WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS, play it in the car, and stop it every so often, and talk. The audio works best, cause it answers lots of questions, and stimulates talk, which will solve all your probs. Once you get talking.
Both of you have become polarized and neither can find they way back.
Quote: otherwise when I get home from work),
why are working with that many kids?
Quote: 3. Start a conversation about our lack of intimacy. This one is the hardest. First i have to find a time that he'll listen - previous attempts ar always met with 'Not right now' (and he refuses to set a time) or just making himself completely unavailable.
Give up on the imtimancy for now. He has to be comfortable, and until you solve the bigger issues, you are trying to push a rope.
Quote: I think I will wait 'till I've been able to read at least some of the books....His vacation starts next week, and I'm torn between using this as a good time to bring this up,
NO!!!!!! Don't ruin his vaction, this is a slow process, you have to be clever. I guy can be molded, but he can't know he is being molded.
Learn a whole lot more here, and diff websites, then apply what you learn in TINY little steps.
Quote: The problem with getting the books that way is I live in Finland. So it won't be at the local, or any library within a couple thousand miles radius , and they can't get it on interlibrary loan.
get it off ebay or Half.com, and use paypal.
The fact that you work and don't have cards in both names means you have be way to passive.
It's not really necessary to bring up the porn if you can just be strong in your request for more sex and passion. 
. It actually made me feel a little better when I found it, I know there's some activity on his part anyway...
