So I didn't make it outside...remembered some things that needed fixing on my course outlines and...well here I still am.
If the following is out of bounds or against BB policy, forgive me, but I thought I'd elicit help from my wise DBer's on behalf of my very good friends D and H.
I've spoken of them before. But here's more background.
H's parents died of cancer before she was a teen ...she was taken in by an abusive aunt and molesting cousin for a few years
She emancipated herself at 15 or so and shortly thereafter met D...motorcycle, danger, instant impassioned love. They have not spent a night apart (except when he works nights or one of them is in hospital) in nearly 20 years.
D's personality features many issues of control. He doesn't want H to work (jealousy), yet they have $ problems. There is never more than one working vehicle at a time, and they live 45 min out of town, leaving H stranded out there much of the time.
D does not do house work, animal care nor any cooking. His greatest complaint is that H doesn't feed him enough or properly. He also despises his job at a mill, he feels superior to his co-workers and there is A LOT of friction on the job.
In the past the two of them have dealt with abusive language on D's part (which cuts H to the quick) and also issues of entitlement, and the biggest problem of late: D's excessive drinking.
Two years ago, D and H were social drinkers like many of our pals. It was outrageous to consider trying to kill half a case of beer in one day/evening.
Well things have gotten considerably worse. He is drinking before and after work, I wouldn't be surprised if 12 beer is an appetizer these days.
H has to deal with D passing out on the couch, then him blaming her for not feeding him properly (the man will not even make himself cereal or a sandwhich).
In that groggy/drunk/sleepy state he has made very hurtful comments to her, including a threat to punch her in the nose.
Except for the drinking part it sound like us five years ago!
I don't see where this would be out of bounds for this bb. Its about improving all M's, not just for the ones that are registered here. However, does H have internet access? It might be more worth her while to visit directly.
Those times were certainly the breeding grounds for lots of anger and resentment on both sides and in D & H's sit, the drinking certainly compounds it all. Sounds like D is trying to drown his unhappiness and is well on his way to alcoholism if not there already.
I really don't know what to advise, but speaking from experience, it took CAW saying she given up on the M and was making arrangement to get out to me wake up and smell the coffee. I don't know if it would be enough tho to sober D up to do the same, but I have a feeling its gonna take something big to make him shake in his boots. The thing the may going for them is he may not want to lose what he has learn to take for granted in the last 20 years, but he has to think he has jeopardize it all before he will change.
I feel sorry for then both, but especially H. It puts her in a position of experience alot more pain before knowing if D will see the light again.
I'll wait for the rest before I state any more...
Shiny, I bet you're a fantastic teacher and makes the subjects you cover that much more fascinating. The enthusiasm you have no doubt must rub off on the students and makes them want to learn that much more.
KAW, this makes my heart ache for you even more... I love D and hate what choices he (and H) make at times.
Hi all,
Feelin' a bit blue...brought up the PA issue after dinner tonight and it didn't go well.
Can't say I was on my best DB behaviour as these snippets from my journalling will no doubt attest.......
Four days to the start of classes. Two years after my world fell apart. What’s changed?
Much of this will be tainted, no doubt by the argument of minutes past. I dared bring up our sex life again, or lack thereof to be more accurate. It was during/after dinner. Not sure now it came up. Asked CJ if he realized it had been a YEAR since we ML. Immediately the mood changed from one of companionability to one of defensiveness.
He brought up again his idea of :”timing”…main thrust being his opportune time is early morning. (7-9) And the fact that in our last discussion (long prior to our early afternoon, rather gratifying oral/manual encounter of a month ago) I’d said that early morning was the worst possible time for me.
This is no lie. Our sleep schedules are such that early morning for him is about three to four hours into my night. I take meds just to achieve THIS. ANY other time is better for me… afternoons, dinner time, after dinner, early evening, late evenings even late mornings.
But the main point behind my resistance to his “solution” was it’s absolute simplicity and complete negation of any deeper meaning to our #1 marital issue. One does not magically become attracted to someone who they are NOT attracted to simply by proximity. Actually, no. That’s not true. I CAN become turned on by proximity and skin touch…instantly. Do you think I’m still crazy about CJ after all he’s done to me? It’s a minor miracle that I can bear to have him touch me or to touch him. But I can and I do…it’s a BIG part of the special connection between spouses that we do not have!!!
I told him tonight that a big part of early mornings being not the greatest for me is that in order to have ANY mutual sexual contact (for at least the past 5 years) this requires my complete awakening and delivery of oral (manual doesn’t work any more) sex in order for ANY signs of arousal on CJ’s part to emerge. IF we get to actual ML...it usually "peters out" in moments. (Note that I have had no children and Kiegle consistently)
I brougth up the A for the first time in a LOOOOONG time. Reminded him of how I’d told D (our C) that no matter HOW this (our M) turned out, I WOULD be loved the way I deserve to be loved (He knew what I meant at that time...this is a looong standing problem). I don’t know how he took that....I'm not sure how I meant it.
I had to remind him of the awful words that he threw at me, that echo in my mind every single day. ”I don’t love you…I care for you, but I don’t love you the way a husband loves his wife”. I am weeping just typing these words.
He now denies this, says he is attracted to me…but by all that is Holy where is the evidence??? YES I admitted that in all other areas our R is right on track, better than ever…(Did he hear me?).
I wanted to throw the weight issue in his face, but it seemed way too petty to do. It’s enough to know that I know that I’m replacing physical love with food. It’s happened at least two other times that I can identify. Once the final year of my R with my ex-fiance of 10 years...he was cheating on me, I was ill...Again the first year of my M to CJ....when it was CLEAR our PA wasn't just in a little "slump".
He wouldn’t believe it, he’d just despise me for displacing responsibility onto him. And he’d be right. I AM after all settling for this. I am after all living with the man who cheated on me, broke my heart and my most scared trust, threatened to leave me, told me his A was over when it was not, lied continually to me for over a year….closer to two.
Should I just give up? Be celibate? Resign myself to fantasty and self pleasure? I was almost ready to settle for that before he decided to find love with two other women. Back when I almost pitied him for having no sex drive (for this is what he told me)…when I thought he even might be gay.
Should I have to settle? I mean lots of other things are very good…daily life, intellectual compatibility, humour, family, friends, taste, preferred entertainment, (except W won’t watch anything to do about sex, at least when I’m around).
I’m 41, not self sufficient, anxiety disorder, multiple physical disorders, 25 pounds overweight…. I'm intelligent, voluptuous, fit, sexy, funny, a great dancer, kind, a great friend, a great cook, is this the best I can hope for?
Might I find physical fulfillment beyond my wildest dreams in someone else’s arms only to find them impossible to live with? Why can I not have both? Is that too much to ask for? A life partner AND a lover???
I’m 41, not self sufficient, anxiety disorder, multiple physical disorders, 25 pounds overweight…. I'm intelligent, voluptuous, fit, sexy, funny, a great dancer, kind, a great friend, a great cook, Please tell me I won't regret having posted this in the morning!!!
Do you feel better? It looks like there is a lot you had to get off your chest... Go get a bowl of peanut butter and icecream... Run 10 miles afterwards. This is DB basic's here, but remember, you control you, do things for you... Energize your half of the relationship...
Take care, I have an infected nose hair I have to remove... Is the edge of your nostril supposed to be red and puffy?!?!?!? Maybe soap and water will help...
Quote: Please tell me I won't regret having posted this in the morning!!!
well by now it's past morning and I'd be willing to bet you don't regret having posted.
Why should you regret it? it's the truth isn't it? even if only the truth of that particular moment...
I (as you know) fully understand how you feel about this particular issue.
I don't have any real advice other than to continue to know that you are all the great things you listed about yourself and many more.
You do deserve a great companion in all areas!
Is it possible to have that with cj? who knows...it's hard to determine what the real problem is and whether or not it's just a timing factor (I say phewie on that one) or some other issue of his.
One things for damn sure it's only your problem because you're with him...otherwise it's all his problem.
Willwin, you just crack me up....nope that nose sounds wrong dude!
WEll folks, the next day CJ sent me an e-mail expounding on our unresolved "talk". I replied, alas he deleted it without reading it (I'd inserted my replies and he thought it was just his old message below).
Basic thing is, he's telling me he IS interested, he IS attracted to me/turned on by me...but in his own words...the term "Show me the money" comes to mind. PRECISELY.
In my reply I explained that it's difficult for me to believe him now when he says that he didn't MEAN it when he said "I don't love you as a husband should love his wife"...when all of his actions confirm THIS sentiment, and not his currently voiced ones.
However he has said that he dropped the ball on following up with the doctor...We did have a "cuddle" yesterday morning which was nearly complete, but no less satisfying.
So we'll see how things go.
On the front of D and H...oh, boy folks. She found printouts of topless photos of a skanky ho who hung around a friend's camp (cottage, whatever) last summer. She knew he'd taken them...but he'd promised to wipe them off his computer and hadn't.
Things are very tense there and it's so hard as H has a reading disability and HATES to read. She's also very stubborn and rather bent on dramatic action, revenge fantasies and tit for tat. (She wanted to know how to wipe out his hard drive!)
So hard to know what to advise there...we KNOW it will take a lot to shake D up, I'm encouraging H's stated desire to become more independent by getting a job and not having her entire life 24/7 revolve around him.
The situation you describe sounds very familiar. Wish I had a good answer for you. Hang in there is about all I can come up with and it's starting to sound kinds hollow.
As others have said try to focus on you. I'm not sure why you think you aren't self-sufficient, but get that way...it will make you more confident. As for the overweight part, you can fix that too. Just exercise the same kind of patience with it that you have w/your marriage. Remember, life's a marathon, not a sprint.
I doubt I could have tempted you tonight, Pam....unless a tuna sandwhich and instant soup grabs your fancy!
We were up late...yeah the sun was rising...I have a vague recollection of asking "Are you people EVER going home?"
Good thing it was only MJ, D and H here by that time. I eventually crawled on top of my bed...only to have all three of them pile on top of me! Oy, my friends....
So the challenge tonight is to get enough sleep for my first full day back at work...wish me luck!
Shiny
P.S. jstx, I feel less than self sufficient for a few reasons
1) my job (pretty much the only one I'm qualified for and capable of) is contract and pays less than it would take to live on (subtext...I'm scared of change and rather like the schedule I have which allows two days of working from home...lots of flexibility)
2) part of why I don't seek other work is that my health is very iffy: in addition to an anxiety disorder (mostly under control), I have ulcerative colitis and chronic kidney problems...under the threat of surgery at all times
I fatigue easily
Although I DO make time for regular workouts...fairly hefty ones too. When I say I'm 25 pounds overweight...that's really not true. I'm 25 pounds heavier than when I first signed on here two years ago...but I had lost weight with the "your life just got turned upside down" diet. (In addition to a recent surgery)
I'd be in the normal BDI range if I lost 7 pounds...and frankly, I'm FAR more fit and muscular than when I got married at 138. (At 145 the gown still fits)
To be perfectly honest, I've come a long way in feeling MORE self sufficient. In actuality, I COULD survive on my salary if I taught around the year....(and they don't hire any more tenure-track people...) I came to that realization through all of this.
Does anyone else who is far into piecing still think of this stuff? I still find myself working out potential single finances at odd moments.
I think it's part of that self protection mode that HAD to gear up (for the first time in my life) two years ago. It's okay, though, it kind of reminds me that I'm NOT as dependent as I once thought.
OKAY....a classic Shiny P.S.....longer than the original post!
...she was taken in by an abusive aunt and molesting cousin for a few years 
(Note that I have had no children and Kiegle consistently)
