NSN from the Newcomers board suggested that I post this here so that I can here some feedback from the posters on this board.
Also I am 25, H is 26 we have been together well over 10 years. We have two children D3, S1 and he dropped the bomb about 14 months ago. I will link my threads for those interested in cathing up and responding. I would really appreciate any advice because I find that I am so very fearful. Thnaks in advance.
Quote:
Okay so I have not been posting lately but I have been keeping up with everyone's threads and praying for all situtaions as well as my own. things are going really well at home. We just got back from our trip to california today. We had a great time and only a few tense moments. i just find myself so weirded ot because he acts like nothing ever happened. He says ILY and is affectionate. I ma terrefied he is going to one day say "I am sorry this has all been an act, I tried and I can't do this." We have had no R talks. he changed his phone number (i did not ask him too.) so he would not recieve nay unwanted calls. We all know what that means. He is trying and I can tell but when will I stop living in fear? I can't erase the year of hell that we went through and I don't want to because I am a better person now, but I am so afraid of going back to the old days and I am fighting to be trusting but inside I am loosing the battle. Even if he does not know it. I hope I still belong here because i still feel like a newcomer and I don't know if I should move to peicing. Does anyone have some advice? WTH can I do now that we are back together? I don't want things to go sour again. How can I be independent while he is home? This is the twilight zone.
Post Extras: I can't seem to get my threads to link so I will do that in a sepperate post NSN Member
Reged: 05/05/04 Posts: 1027
Re: So here we are now. [Re: MrsHopeful] #746865 - 07/20/04 02:02 PM Edit Reply Quote
MrsH, I'm happy to hear from you, but you sound anxious. You said he changed his phone number; that's great. Did you show your appreciation for that? If you notice he's trying, are you complimenting him for his efforts, however small?
I'm not sure what to say if he's acting like nothing has happened and you haven't had any R talks. I understand why you'd feel anxious and afraid that things will go back to the way they were. But remember, you DO have a part in this. If you feel like you haven't been keeping up the independence part, then go back out there and start it up again. Consistency is the key, MrsH. Don't give him a reason to say, "Aha. This was all a ploy to get me back." Do your part.
Somehow, sometime - you guys should have a R talk, it seems. But I'm not sure what to say about how this should come about. Maybe you could introduce your most recent post on the piecing thread (in addition to this one) and see if they have some better advice.
I'm thinking of you. Thanks for stopping by my thread.
-------------------- NSN My current thread
Post Extras: MrsHopeful Member
Reged: 04/29/04 Posts: 61 Loc: USA Re: So here we are now. [Re: NSN] #746920 - 07/20/04 03:04 PM Edit Reply Quote
NSN, Thanks for the advice. I am anxious. I just feel like there will always be a chance that the OW may come around again or that he can't get over his feelings for her... i don't want to bring up R talk because I feel like our last R talk brought him back and that bringing up things now would seem needy and more of the same during the first few weeks back home. I will try and wait it out until it seems more stable. What do you think? I can tell he is trying. I just sent him a nice e card thanking him for the weekend he sent me one back that was very sweet and nice.
It's too early yet to delve into things too far. Believe me, H feels guilty every time it comes up. Give him more time to feel welcomed home and have such a good time with you that he realizes he made the right choice.
Yes, eventually you DO have to deal with WHY this happened, so it doesn't get repeated - but if you start in on him too early, you'll scare him off. This part takes time.
Okay so I see what your saying about patience and I know it but it is hard to do it. Last night we had a disagreement about him attending work parties alone and it kinda escalated. It was actually small and not that huge of deal. We even made up afterwards but those things pain me so because that was when the ow started. At work parties I was not at. And the worst part was I should have just let it go beause at the beginning of the fight he said he was not going any to anymore since he is the boss, but he would like to. So after we got inot he said I was drilling him and that he had already told me he was not going what did it matter what his reasons were. Ughh so he just called me at work about something else and things were fine but I am still so unsettled from this all. I just don't want him to leave again because he can't handle me. I know what I should do but now that he is home i am having a hard time getting goals. Thanks kml for your response. I will try to be patient I am so scared though.
MrsH, Your story touches my heart as I have been there too. From experience I can tell you to take it easy, relax, take one second at a time. What ever you do DO NOT REACT let things cool off when you feel a debate coming on. You know we women can sence these type of things. Have you read any of Michele's books? If not then I recommend "the Divorce Remedy" and if you have read them re-read them. I have noticed that every time I re-read the books I learn new strategies and new ways to implement old strategies. I hope things start to look up for you, take care and best wishes. You are in one of the best places for support and advise!
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
I have read DR at the beginning of all this but I feel like I need to dig in again. I think we were sepperated about 2 and 1/2 months. But that was our second sepperation in the year that all this has been going on. I just do not know how to trust again. I am acting as if most of the time except last night. I am trying so hard to keep it in. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to fall if you know what I mean. Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. I wish I could figure out how to link my threads from newcomers but they are not "sticking".
I want so bad for this to work, our lives are so hectic and with the kids the good times are great but I want him to know my changes are permanent while at the same time inside I don't think I have changed enough. how do I make my outward actions real in my heart?
" how do I make my outward actions real in my heart? "
Pray, pray and pray even more. I have asked the Lord to make these changes real in my heart. I no longer ask him to change my H but I ask him to change my heart. The H's will not be able to notice anything else when the true change begins.
Cheryl, What do you mean by "The H's will not be able to notice anything else when the true change begins." I want to make sure I understand. I am so plagued with worry now and I am not releasing it. I am trying but as soon as I think I walked away from it there it is waiting for me. Like right now I am worried about the upcomming weekend and whether he will go to the bar after work and if ow will be there. It is almost like emotionally I am back at the beginning. I know I need to pray but I worry the "Big Man" may be over my pettiness and my constant worry / lack of faith. I sound pathetic I know.
You don't sound pathetic. You sound like we all do sometimes. We sound afraid, unsure, and hopeless. Pull yourself up by the boot straps and put on a happy face I know easier said than done!
I know easier said than done!