I think I am snake bit. As if we did not have enough issues going on. A few days ago H said that his back was hurting like it did when he had a ruptured disk. (that happed in 1990 and he had surgery to correct in '92. He has done well since then as far as the back goes) He said his heel was hurting - that is not a good sign. That is the sciatic (did I spell that right?!!!) nerve that runs from the hip to the heel. He said it started hurting a few days after his 27 hole golf game.
He called me today on my cell phone and ask me to bring ibuprofen home. He never takes that stuff as it upset the Crohns. When I got home he was walking round and round in our pool trying to alleviate the discomfort. I asked if it was helping and he said some.
He had taken some ibuprofen at work. He said from experience that the pain from back/nerve was even worse than Crohns so he took the meds.
I want to cry for him and for me. It seems like when I think I can maybe make progress something else happens. We are hoping this is just an aggrevation of the tissue and not a serious problem.
About 8:45 PM I said I was tired and that we should go to bed - I told him I'd rub his back and he could rub mine. Who would have guessed - he declined. No he was not tired he said yet about one hour later he went to bed. Idiot that I am - I am still up at midnight.
Does anyone else on this board have a similar situation where one of the partners is ill/injured? I end up feeling selfish for wanting a normal relationship with him again. I do not like a helpless feeling or a guilty feeling for that matter.
I am going to the C in one week. I wish it was tomorrow.
Quote: Does anyone else on this board have a similar situation where one of the partners is ill/injured?
Yes. My S has celiac disease, and because she went for several years before diagnosis, she has some permanent intestinal damage that makes it impractical for her to eat in restaurants as well as makes her more vulnerable to gluten in various situations. Several years ago, right before diagnosis, she lost a lot of weight, and I noticed a pattern of her desire dropping dramatically below a certain point.
What's hardest is doing my best to be a supportive spouse but not letting the existence of a chronic condition be an excuse or an unnecessary impediment. There are plenty of individuals with disabilities who have full, varied sex lives.
When my S fell and sprained a joint or two in the fall, that was a short-term, difficult situation. It's honestly hard to get in an erotic conversation when one of you is likely to be yelling in agony in the next half hour.
Quote: I know my DH like I know the back of my hand. He would not listen to it either so it would just be an exercise in futility.
Hey, I did not make an effort, till I figured out she was leaving for sure. Then I got all motivated, albiet too late.
Quote: Like I have said before, we used to have a fantastic sex life and I would like to have a small portion of that back!
As an HD, maybe you are conveying an all or nothing feeling to him.
How is his family about hugging, and touching. I was never one for the touchey feele stuff either. And with my T-ron lower, I am even less inclined. In fact I don't relish dating, cause they expect lots of touchy feelee stuff, and I don't feel like giving it.
Do you know how long it takes to develope a habit, 6 weeks, so any thing to become normal to him will take that long.
Perhaps like the sex people do, they have you relearn what each other likes, and it starts with just touching on a daily basis. And can take up to 6 weeks before ML.
As far a couselor, unless they are SBT, you are wasting your time. If it just related to this problem, join a support group, and you will find out you are not alone.
Quote: am aware of that also. The problem is we have teenagers in the house.... He did tell me that there are plenty of times he has the desire and feels "up to it" (no pun intended) but that the kids/company is always there.
So is every other parent in the world, find quiet ways. Or pay the kids off, or sound proof you room. Sounds like a excuse. Do you think it matter when you guys first started.
Quote: I am not made of stone and my desire is all for him. But I am constantly shut out by him - I am not shutting him out. And it is not like he is unaware - I have made him aware.
Hi Denise
I have read your initial thread and I understand fully. I do not have any solutions for you but just wanted to join in and say that I appreciate your situation and understand your confusion about whether you are putting too much emphasis on sex. I have read SSM and cannot get my H to read it, I have also just ordered PM and am hanging in there.
Can I ask how long you have been with your partner ? and how long he has been experiencing LD ?
JakeS2, Poe, & Nelj Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. It is painful at this point to discuss it.
JakeS2, celiac is one of the first things they thought my H had when he was a teen ager. I know that disease is not a picnic. It is hard to be a supportive loving spouse when I feel he is keeping me at arms length. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel figuratively.
Poe, in the past that is usually when he would make an effort too - when I said I had had enough of his current behavior. I have no intention of leaving my spouse but I feel like it is a bunch of bull. Why should I get to the point I want nothing to do with him before he will take me for serious? I do not feel that I am conveying an all or nothing to him. I told him the other night I would just like to kiss him like a lover kiss - not a peck on the lips. He had said "I kiss you everyday" and I said that I was talking about a kiss one would give his wife not his daughter. As for his family they are the kind that hug and kiss but in my opinion they are not genuine. I did not grow up in a huggy/kissy family but I never doubted that I was the most important thing in the world to my mother and grandparents. His parents hug/kiss etc and it means nothing. God forbid! The times we've needed their help they were NO where to be found. They are very selfish people and he can at times be like them.
The maddest he has been at me in recent times is when I stated he was just like his mother. He recognizes that they are selfish people but doesn't really see it in himself.
As for as the counselor being SBT ( looked on the abbreviations to see what you were talking about) I don't know if that is her claim to fame but I went today and I feel it is helping me.
As for the teenagers - I asked him to put a TV with a DVD in our room as an excuse to go there and have background noise. He flat out said no.
As for toys - I couldn't be less interested. Toys (I may be wrong)seem artificial to me and I don't think would be a source of pleasure to me.
NelJ - thanks for the support. I have known my H for 25 years and we have been married 22 years next month. I guess the LD has been coming on for about 4 years but has really been a problem for the past 2.
I have been pretty upset about it. My H tends to keep everyone at a distance. Oh, he is very pleasant and we go places and do things but he keeps barriers up at all times.
The reason I haven't posted is I went toes up last Wednesday night. I took the advice of several on the boards (at different times on different threads) and my C which was "Ask for what you want". So I did. I told him when we were watching TV that I wanted to "make out with him" that I missed his kisses. That is when he said he kissed me everyday. I told him - not that kind of a kiss - the kind you give to a lover. I told him that I missed seeing desire on his face for me. We watched a program and went to bed. I told him again that I wanted to kiss him - nothing more - just a few REAL kisses. We kissed a few times and he decided to have sex. I say have sex because to me that is not ML when he gets his jollies and I get NOTHING - to touches anywhere just him getting his jollies. I didn't even mind really - it was the opportunity to be close to him.
Afterwards I told him that I really missed his kisses and he said "I just don't have the feeling anymore because of the medication". My heart just froze in my chest. I didn't say anything but tears were rolling down my cheeks. I thought, "What is the point?" I can't make him feel what he no longer feels and yet the other side is yelling that he is a selfish b*stard. He refuses to see that his actions directly impact me and yet he will tell me not to quit asking and not to change how loving I am to him. It seems to me "All for me and when I feel like it I will throw you a bone".
Friday night both of our kids spent the night out and we went and picked up a sandwich that we both enjoy from a local grill on his Harley - visited with my mom - came home. He surprised me by asking me to take a whirlpool bath with him and then we made love - really made love. It was great.
I went to the counselor today and we discussed many things and I told her how upset I had been Wednesday night. When I came home later in the evening he and I had a few heated words over our oldest son's situation. We had a difference of an opinion. Son and DIL live with her parents and they want to tell them where they can go, who they can see, how long they can be gone, etc. and it is wearing thin with S & DIL. I said that DIL's mother was going to cause hard feelings with our S and that when an inlaw takes offense at one's behavior it is hard to gain back affection, etc. As he can be controlling himself he felt that since they lived with her that was ok and that I would do the same if they lived with us. I said that I had swore that I would NEVER be the kind of MIL that his mother had been to me and the fight was on. Alot of our fights have been over his darling parents. He can often say very cruel things and he said something to the effect that I needed counseling and should go more often.
I was pretty upset about that and wanted to scorch him with hot words that would have been as cruel as his but I held my tongue. What I did say is that I resented his implication and that I would not discuss it with him further and would pay for my own C'ing.
Tuesday is my girls night out to Starbucks with my best friend so I left. I came home and my son and DIL were here. H is acting all honky du ray. I am sure this round is not over.
Oddly enough we get along most of the time - but I really do think it is because I say nothing so it is my own fault that this problem has gone on and yet I know I would literally have to leave him to get him to take notice that I really don't like what is going on. I do my best to meet all of his needs, physically and emotionally and I feel like he is of the opinion "emotions? what emotions?"
Sorry to have rambled so long. I had alot to get off my chest.
Dear Denise, I completely understand what you are going through, and I feel your pain with you. I have been married 20 years, and for about 17 years my husband has rejected my sexual advances. About 4 years ago, I gave him an ultimatum of counseling or divorce, he chose counseling. We had other issues, but the sex issue came up. The counselor could not give any answers except that maybe he was depressed. Our physician prescribed Viagra which he took one time and has not touched since. I have tried everything! I finally came across the book SSM, and I am not finished with it. I am hoping that I can find answers in the book and also through reading other people's stories. Like you, I try to busy myself so that I am not so frustrated. It doesn't work because I become even more frustrated. We ML about a month ago. Since reading the book, I have tried being very verbally open with him about sex. He said that the only problem is that he is a morning person and our timing is off. I found that very hard to believe since he knows that I am always willing and ready. Anyway, I took his advice, and this morning, I initiated sex. He took my hand away and told me that he was too tired. While he was getting ready for work, I talked to him about the rejection. I reminded him that it was his idea. He went on and on about how tired he is. He started telling me about troubles at work, his weight gain, and how are kids are always fighting. Talk about excuses! He said that I was not the problem. I told him that maybe I should be and I could get a spot on his list of troubles and become priority. He has always told me that I was not the problem, but for years, I felt so unattractive. People tell me that I am, but I would not believe them. How could I be attractive when my own husband didn't want me? Finally, I realized that he had the problem, and I stopped blaming myself. I would always feel guilty about wanting sex with him. That sounds insane, doesn't it? He would sometimes even slap my hand if I tried to put the moves on him. Talk about degrading! I am wondering if anyone out there has had their hand smacked. I'd love to hear from you. Anyway, I am sorry that you are having the same troubles, but it feels so good to know that others are in the same boat that I am in. I no longer feel so alone. Thanks for posting. Check me out on the newcomer thread under tired and frustrated. Good luck to you! Pigtails
Pigtails, I feel your pain, too. My ex-h (we have been divorced 25 years) used to push my hands away too so I have been there, done that. I left him after 18 months of marriage.
It does leave one feeling unattractive or just unsexy. He had said for the last few years that my being overweight bothered him but I can tell you that when I was overweight we had a lot more sex than we do now. I really thought that when I lost my weight that he would be all over me like hot syrup. It didn't happen.
I have to keep reminding myself it is due to medication that the LD has arrived to stay - but I also have to acknowledge that the shelfish part has been there for years. I have begged him to read the SSM and he has refused.
I know that when I get really frustrated with himn I pull back emotionally - self defense I would say. Then he takes notice. I have invested alot of time and energy in trying to help him control his Crohns Disease and also in flat out "pampering" of him. I do this because I want to but occassionally I would like some of that pampering back.
He seems to think I have a never ending supply of emotional support.
I am going to check out your thread and get familiar with your situation.
Thanks for posting. It helps to know I am not alone.
Quote: Poe, in the past that is usually when he would make an effort too - when I said I had had enough of his current behavior. I have no intention of leaving my spouse but I feel like it is a bunch of bull. Why should I get to the point I want nothing to do with him before he will take me for serious?
Do you know how you get a mules attenion, you hit him with a 2x4, well mine was her telling me she was leaving, and had her apartment lined up.
Then I started my seach, but I was too late. Had I discovered this site 6 months ago, I believe I would not be at this site.
Quote: would just like to kiss him like a lover kiss - not a peck on the lips. He had said "I kiss you everyday" and I said that I was talking about a kiss one would give his wife not his daughter.
Right now and since about 10 years ago, my drive has gone down. I have no disire to make out, and the disire for sex can be met every 6-8 weeks. Is the medicine I take or lack to T, I don't know.
As for his family they are the kind that hug and kiss but in my opinion they are not genuine......They are very selfish people and he can at times be like them.
About what I figured
Quote: As for as the counselor being SBT ( looked on the abbreviations to see what you were talking about) I don't know if that is her claim to fame but I went today and I feel it is helping me.
Then you should read up on it at the DB website, cause if you are using the wrong on, then you wasting you time, and even worse be getting bad advice. Questions to ask her, what is her success rate. And when you ask what is the best she hope for you is. If it is not getting marriage working, then walk away.
Quote: As for the teenagers - I asked him to put a TV with a DVD in our room as an excuse to go there and have background noise. He flat out said no.
Wrong tact, you were putting him in a corner, now he has less excuses to not ML.
Quote: As for toys - I couldn't be less interested. Toys (I may be wrong)seem artificial to me and I don't think would be a source of pleasure to me.
Now that just blows my mind, anal is okay but not toys.
Quote: Afterwards I told him that I really missed his kisses and he said "I just don't have the feeling anymore because of the medication". My heart just froze in my chest. I didn't say anything but tears were rolling down my cheeks. I thought, "What is the point?" I can't make him feel what he no longer feels and yet the other side is yelling that he is a selfish b*stard.
See my previous answer, desire way low.
Side note, I am on the dating sex, I don't mention anything about ML or sex, and have yet to find a LD women. I guess they ain't looking. I will be honest, right now as I want is a female roomate, and a parttime lover.
Quote: few heated words over our oldest son's situation.
Read up on JOINT AGREEMENT
Quote: Tuesday is my girls night out to Starbucks with my best friend so I left. I came home and my son and DIL were here. H is acting all honky du ray. I am sure this round is not over.
Its a MARS/VENUS thing, if you are still doing LL stuff, we figure it is safe.
Quote: Oddly enough we get along most of the time - but I really do think it is because I say nothing so it is my own fault that this problem has gone on and yet I know I would literally have to leave him to get him to take notice that I really don't like what is going on. I do my best to meet all of his needs, physically and emotionally and I feel like he is of the opinion "emotions? what emotions?"
From what I know now, I would use SBT princpals, and use face to face, eye to eye contact.
In accordance to the SBT, figure 10 biggest problems, and only concetrate on #1, DO NOT bring up the others.
Poe, Thanks for the reply. I don't want to be a walk away spouse - I don't want the entire family in an uproar but sometimes I would like to konk him figuratively on the head.
We are about to become grandparents for the first time in about 4 weeks. This should be a happy time not a time filled with anger or being pissed off!
Quote: If it is not getting marriage working, then walk away.
As for the counselor I am not expecting her to save my marriage. My marriage is not going anywhere. What I want her to do is help me accept the fact that things have changed and my being upset over it is not going to help me, my husband, or my family in any shape, form or fashion. I am hoping to learn to cope better with the intervals in between the times when we do ML. If I can feel peace then I will feel like my counseling has been a huge success.
Quote: Wrong tact, you were putting him in a corner, now he has less excuses to not ML.
I was not trying to put him in a corner. I was trying to offer solutions to a barrier to our being more intimate with each other.
Quote: Now that just blows my mind, anal is okay but not toys.
I never said that I liked anal. I said that he did. It seems to be that sometimes/most of the time that is the only way he can MAINTAIN an erection for any lengh of time. If it was strictly a preference - it would not be my preference. As for a toys - we have never used them. He was toy enough for me. What I want is to feel him - not plastic or rubber or whatever they are made of. What I am wanting is the feel of his skin on mine.