I have posted in the past and have been monitoring the board. I have tried to come to terms with my SSM but I am not doing so well at this time.
As I have posted my H has Crohns Disease. I have tried to be as understanding as I can be. I do realize that there are times that he simply doesn't feel like ML. But on the other hand I miss having a lover, someone who looks at me with desire in his eyes.
We used to have a great sex life and now it is like fast food sex. I had posted before that he has trouble maintaining an erection and I think he rushes through the whole sex act now.
I end up feeling like a prostitute - just a receptical. I HATE that. I want him to hold me, to kiss me, and make me feel like a desirable woman again.
I have talked to him numerous times on this and he says to just remind him. When I remind him it is like I am putting him out so I have gave up on doing that.
Other than this giant white elephant sex problem our marriage is great.
I am frustrated and mad...I long for him to reach out and touch me but days and weeks go by with nothing. I have tried to get him to read the SSM book with no success.
I realize that his medication has created alot of these problems but to me the big problem is him not recognizing how big of a whole this has left in my life. When I have tried to talk to him about it he has gotten a little defensive - he said that I would feel differently if it was me with the Crohns instead of him. Then I end up feeling guilty.
Is it wrong for me to expect his physical touch? It doesnt' even have to end in ML but is expecting more than a peck on the lips at night wrong? Is it wrong to expect him to hold me ever?
Most of the time I try not to think about all of it but it has really bothered me this week.
He actually rolled up against me this morning and wanted to ML but he wanted anal sex - I did not - it is (sorry for the TMI) my TOM and I didn't want the added pain in that area!
It seems that the only sex we have now is anal sex - he seems to be able to have a "better" erection that way but it is not the kind of sex I want.
I want the gourmet kind of sex that includes foreplay. I want him to look at me with desire in his eyes. I want him to hold me.
I end up feeling like a child crying for the moon. I know that the medication he takes is in a large part responsible for our sexual problems now. Other than the white elephant sex problem our marriage is good. We get along great for the most part.
I just want my husband back. I want foreplay in my marriage - I want him to act like my lover - not my roommate.
I have tried to accept that this is just the way it is but what I want is intimacy to return to our marriage. I want him to make love to me - not bang me. It is like he is rushing everytime because he fears his erection is going to fail him but it ends up feeling like Sonic Sex instead of the Russian Tea Room kind of sex.
Is it too much to ask for him to slow down? Is it too much to expect him to cuddle with me? I don't even ask him anymore. I don't touch him anymore. I have pulled back from him phyically. I used to touch him constantly but it is disheartening when he brushes me away or when I make a reference to a sexual memory in the past and he acts like I said it was a nice sunset.
I feel like I am losing my mind. Am I putting too much emphasis on sex? Am I expecting too much?
I am going to call and get an appointment with a counselor in the morning. I can't take it anymore. I have begged him to read the book so that he could understand how this has effected me. When I have tried to discuss it with him he says he understands and that if I want to divorce him and get another lover he would understand. That enrages me like he can't even know. I don't want another husband - I want him to remember he is my husband.
I feel like he wears himself out so he doesn't have to have sex with me and face erectile problem. I know that must just kill him too but when he goes out and plays 27 holes of golf and doesn't make love to me I am ANNOYED.
Sorry to have rambled so much. I feel so frustrated today and sad to the core.
While watching the news or a TV program, My LD wife likes to put her feet on my lap and have me hold them. If she is feeling frisky, she puts her head on my lap and I stroke her hair. She gets her emotional needs met that way and does not want to ML. Would this help you fill the void that you feel if your H did this with you. No erection needed.
{{{neicie}}}} I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but just wanted to let you know I hear you and can empathize. I am sure you will get some good responses, and I think contacting the counselor is a great idea. Sending hope your way,
Niecie, Have you spoken to him about the erection problems? I know you have told him that you need more touching and more sex, but I imagine to a man suffering from ED that would be like putting him in a vise and squeezing very tightly. The pressure would really be on! So he makes excuses and tries to wear himself out, etc.
If the only sex he wants these days is quickie sex and anal sex, and he avoids foreplay and flirting, then it sure sounds like the erection stuff plays a much larger role.
I would first suggest initiating a talk about this topic, even though he will likely be embarrassed and blow you off. If you approach it as a team, maybe he will not feel so alone and helpless about it. Also, he of course needs to address this with his doctors..
Maybe once he realizes that you KNOW he worries himself sick about getting and staying hard, he can relax and just please you and not worry that you are going to think him a wimp because he can only stay hard intermittantly. Annette's husband seems like he is finally seeing this light; maybe yours will too.
Is he using his Crohns desease excuss to actually mask his own LD? I have no clue as to how that can make a guy feel. I do know however, that if I am tired, it WILL NOT effect my desire. I also know that most illnessed will not effect by desire for sex either. So is it really the crohns, or is their some other problem?
Lou, I have gone up to him and wrapped my arms around him and yes he will give me a little hug back or a peck on the lips. It would be nice to cuddle with him on the couch while we watch TV but he sits in his recliner.
I guess I am almost to the absolute starvation point. Maybe I am just way too needy. I know that 2 of my sisters would not have a big problem with this but I have a huge problem with it.
I am going to contact a counselor today. I know that where sex is concerned I am touchy. Saturday I was divorced 25 years from my EX and we divorced over his sexual problems. I have posted in the past that he felt like sex would make me dirty like his mother who ran off and left all of them for another man. He really had problems and refused to seek help for it and said I was a nypho.
I am not a nypho and when I began my relationship with the man I am married to now (almost 22 years)he thought my sex drive was the greatest thing since sliced bread.
We have discussed the ED. We did try Cialias once. It works well - like to the tune of 4 times. We may have went overboard because his stomach was killing him later and we haven't tried it since much to my dismay. I did read an article recently about Crohns stating that activities like horseback riding causes the Crohns to flair. Horseback riding and sex can be very similar so I have suggested going slower, softer, etc. I have suggested while we were having sex to slow down, remember I like romance, etc etc. and it falls on deaf ears.
Cemar, unless he magically became LD I don't think he uses it as an excuse. I have been his lover for almost 25 years (September 29 to be exact) so I know that his sex drive in the past has matched mine and surpassed it.
Our problems with this started about 5-6 years ago. I had gained weight and I really thought it was he did not find me as attractive. Well I've lost the weight and it is worse.
Crohns is known for KILLING the sex life and it is really hurting ours. My H has never been a really affectionate person and I got my "fix" for being held, kissed, loved on, during sex. When you are having sex 4-5 times a week for years and it is because BOTH people want it that way it is pretty wonderful.
When he was younger it did not effect him as much either. When we had our second child he was on a job that was building a gas phase unit at a chemical plant. He was working (electrician at the time)16 hours a day, 7 days a week for months at a time. We had a newborn that he rarely saw but we still had sex on a very regular basis and the man looked like a walking zombie. The upside was we had enough money to purchase our home and put one third down on it!
I know that this must be a KILLER for him too because he knows I am not happy with the situation.
If he would just understand that I need his touch I would not be so upset. Would it hurt him to cuddle with me at night or to really kiss me at least once a day?
I have stopped looking at the boards at times because I would get so upset. I feel like I am not handling this well. He says I need to just deal with it. I think his way of dealing with it it to act like it is not there.
I don't know how much you know about Crohns, Cemar,but one of the problems is running diarrhea and the severe stomach cramps that you associate with having a severe stomach virus. But this NEVER goes away. He can go to the bathroom 10 - 15 times a day. It interfers with how your body absorbs nutrients from your food. He is now taking B12 shots. Once when he was hospitalized the dr. told me he did not know where H's intestines were red, raw, and bleeding because he had diarrhea or if he had diarrha because his intestines were red, raw, and bleeding. Jeez,which is it!
He has gained a little weight and right now no one looking at him would know he has a cronic health problem. But if you look at his drivers license from last year it is shocking. I looked at them this week and remembered how bad he was last year. He looked like a person undergoing chemo.
I try to remember all of this and not be a selfish b!tch but I am not doing so well at this time.
Thanks everyone for your help. I really need to sometimes just to vent. I am going to call a couselor today. I need some help and I am hoping to get him to go with me.
Neicie144, You write such a lovely lament. I can hear your sadness.
I get the feeling that he's dealing with a lot of fear and wants to rush through it for fear of losing his wood. I think you said as much. It made me think: is there anything you can do to bring him back up should he soften? If so, you can make this a partnership where he'll slow down and do his best to give you what you want and need if you'll understand if he needs to get up in the middle and relieve himself and get him hard again if he softens.
Maybe if you say something like, "I love you and want like anything to be close to you. Even with our problems I still couldn't stand to be far from you for long. I want to share my love with you and I'm more than willing to be as patient and understanding and to work as hard as I need to to do it."
I'm sorry that your sitch hasn't improved. Everyone here can feel your pain.
I still think he's being selfish and hiding from you. If he has the strength to work and golf (27 holes, no less), he has the strength to find a way to ML effectively. His desire for quickie or anal sex only shows his selfishness. (If anal was his preference or he needs the "tightness" for his ED, why not take care of your needs and finish up that way?)
I hope your C is good enough to recommend that you call him on his behavior. He's adapting well enough with the Crohn's in other areas of his life. Why should he not be held accountable to do the same re: sex?
I have all kinds of ways to bring it back up if possible. I've tried to make this a partnership - we're in this together kind of thing - because I really feel that way. I have tried to tell him that I want to be close to him. When I am not feeling resentful like I am at this moment, I feel closer to him than I have in years and he says he feels the same. I know that illness can make or break a relationship. I don't want this to make us stangers living in the same house.
It seems to me that he doesn't want to touch me anymore because he thinks I will expect it to lead to LM. That would be nice but it would also be nice just to touch.
Last Sunday and today my back has been KILLING me. I need a new chair. He told me today to go pick out any Lazyboy recliner that I wanted and buy it. I went looking but did not find what I wanted. Anyway, this evening he insisted I sit in his Lazyboy and we were watching "The Bourne Identity" on DVD. I told him that my body hurt all over and that I needed a good massage. No response on that statement. I could understand if I said I need back surgery - that he cannot do - but jeez - I think he could handle a back rub.
Mike,
I feel like he is hiding from the situation too. He has refused to let Crohns invade every aspect of his life even though he knows limitations and has always worked around it such as canceling plans at the last moment for any myriad of things if his stomach was not cooperating and a bathroom would not be available. That I can understand. I can't understand all of this all for him and none for me. Yes, he does try to manually please me but he has been my lover for 25 years - I know the difference in a rush job and a mutually satisfying love making.
Right now I feel pretty pissy and I don't like feeling this way. I looked for a counselor today and I want to get some references first. This is too important to trust it to a nitwit who would do more harm than good.
Thanks for the help and a place to sound off. I feel like my life is not in control and I hate that. I hate being angry, sad, and annoyed.
We are about to become grandparents in about 6 weeks and that should be such a blessed event and right now I just want to knock PawPaw for a loop!
I found a counselor today and made an appointment. My appointment is tomorrow at 3:00 PM.
Our oldest son visited tonight with his wife and they did not leave until 11:00 PM so I did not have the opportunity to tell my H that I was going to counseling before they arrived.
After they left I told him that I had made an appointment to see a counselor.
The first thing he said was he would not go with me and that C would not be helpful if he did not go. I did not argue the point with him.
He left the room then came back and ask me who the C was and what kind of C, etc. I told him that I would not have even told him about it if I didn't have to use our insurance. He said again that he would not go and I said, I did not ask you to go. I am going for me.
I could see he wasn't too happy about me going but I don't care. I am hoping to get some relief from the feelings sadness and hopelessness.
