I have scheduled a call with you for this Saturday morning. When we last spoke a while back, you thought separating might be the only way to save the R, if this was my goal (versus my R with the kids).
I'd like to talk about separation issues and what is best for the kids and balancing that with my W's attitude that she will not leave. If you have the opportunity to look at some of my posts (this thread and the last) since June, I'd appreciate it. There are not many other than a description of my W's deteriorating attitude towards me when I rejected her last Sep offer.
I left you a post on my thread, check it out please.
Do my one favor, please buy "Walking on Eggshells", you'll find it in any border's books store under psychology. I think reading that book will save you alot of grief and money. Give it a shot, the books in paperback and you'll know instantly if the book is for you or not. Since you mention often that our W's rage the same craziness, they might have the same emotional problems.
Oh and bye the way, were in the hell did you learn to have patience like that? You HAVE to tudor me, I want to get to that kind of QWAN. LOL I just don't have the ability yet to NOT take the bait my W leaves for me everytime she rages like Your W.
Berto
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
Berto- He gets his patience from God.I have three friends here on the board who are Catholic and they have the patience of Saints. One them is Merrick and the other is Underdog or as I like to think of her as Wonderdog and the other is PJS.
Merrick I got hit on by a 18 year old on the ship.I can tell you it was the weirdest thing I have ever had happen to me. I can't believe it. I will be forty next month and an 18 year old hit on me.Now how the hell would I introduce him to my 19 year old son?Here son I found you a new play mate? My sister thinks its funny.I personally think it is shocking.Why the heck don't men my own age hit on me as often as they young boys?who knows. I hope I'm not sending out some weird signal.Maybe I should start dressing like my mom.
I'm sorry your sitch isn't any better.
She keeps saying you have to leave.I wonder what would happen if you told her she should have the little apartment and you stay in the house with the kids.It would be a 180 that is for sure.After all why should you leave your home just because she wants a divorce?
Any way thanks for the cheering up.
Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
I'm Catholic as well, I even went to Catholic school for 8 years. I do have patience, so much so that I'm still here fighting for our family. Granted, I become frustrated but my hearts in the right place.
I guess the reason why it is so hard to drop the "anger rope" is because of my upbringing in an Italian family. Yell first, ask questions later was kinda what happened at home. I know I can and want to change, the responsibility is on me. But for the love of God, I cannot stop trying to defend myself when W hurls those painful comments.
I might have to buy Merrick dinner and take him to church for a Sambuca night cap with the Italian priest that married me. I've got to figure this Zen like level that Dawg and Merrick have.
Berto
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
It has been a LONG time since I posted on your thread(s).
I have prayed for OM forgivness and it does make you feel better over time. I don't want to be filled with hate or thoughts of revenge. I could have been really tough.
My father's side is Irish and my mother is Italian so I have the ingredients for a very relaxed personality (yeah, right).
Do not send anything to OM, his family, etc. Eventually, their shame will come to the surface. It may take along time but it does. Trust me.
Forgivness and paitence are the keys.
Being separated from your family lends WAY too much time for your mind to wander.
Time and prayer are the only things that will help heal.
My e-mail address isn't anonymous, even though I have a Hotmail account for junk (has my name in it). So I e-mailed H2H with my real live e-mail address. She's free to give it to you. Hope to meet you soon!
Went to the C on child-rearing today and she thinks we need to keep thinking about living apart--especially if we can't avoid discussions in front of the kids. She also said it was time for me to stop worrying about how my W might react to different things I do because that too was an attempt to control, aside from seeming fruitless. She also gave me the same advice that Laurie gave--total, total back off, even if W wants me to engage. Since every exchange seems to spiral out of control--just don't do it right now, no matter how enticing W sounds.
Basically, just take care of myself, but see if W wants to come in again for a joint child issues session. I said I'd hold off until I speak to my DB Coach and lawyers.
Man oh man. The dollars are starting to fly. W has spent about $3,000 on her attorney, I've spent $400 thus far and will spend near $1,000 in the next two weeks until I decide to plunk down $5,000 more on a retainer. I've spent roughly $1200 on various C's, $400 on Retrouvaille, and W has spent about $150 on her own C recently. That's more than $6,000 on these troubles before I retain an attorney and we're still living in the same house!!!!!!!!!! Holy $*it!!!
To top this off, while C is urging backoff and was pleased to learn that I had not spoken to W since Sunday, -- who calls tonight instead of the kids calling me directly? Yup. In a nice voice she asks me what's going on at home, mail, phome messages etc. I just said things were quiet, there were no messages, and I was setting aside her mail. W: "That's all?" Me: Yup. I can hear the girls; can I speak to one of them? End of convo.
Well, I 've got a reunion party for my church retreat folks at my home tomorrow night, so I gotta clean up. Until next time.
First, my typical thanks--including PIB who is always around, but I'm not sure if she has ever posted on my thread.
I write this afternoon, as much to help others in similar sitches than to journal. In fact, I've reached a point where I have some hesitancy in posting because the ability to keep this private and away from my W's eyes seems to erode every day.
In any event, I spoke to DB Coach Laurie this morning (if you read Laurie, please correct any misstatements) and we agreed that while leaving is the absolute last resort, the situation is eroding, regardless of fault, to the point of total destructiveness for not just the M, but the kids as well. Consequently, separation seems to be a sensible option.
The structure of a separation is another issue. While we concur that joint separation where both of us split time outside the house while the kids remain appears best, W's desire to push ME out means this joint proposal could further strain the R. As for my moving out and risking that W will find something new to fight on (W's Brezhnev Doctrine--what's mine is mine and what's yours is negotiable), this was soemthing I had to decide on my own. In other words, my leaving may be the only avenue to relieve W's pressure and allow her to open up--but it is also the most dangerous in terms of my potentially losing it all. Consequently, we concurred that I needed to get the most solid legal advice available to determine how any type of separation would effect my rights and my most important concerns could be negotiated.
The most important concern for me is the kids and maintaining the strongest possible R with them regardless of the outcome. Therefore, any agreement must preserve this, even if W wants to fight me. And on this score, Laurie highly advised to try and continue C on co-parenting issues only. And for those of you pushing your own MC--Laurie said this was a bad idea given W's State of Mind and dwesire to get out because she felt it would give W another reason to claim that C doesn't work.
I also shouldn't short-chnage the spiritual journey I've undertaken in this past year and how it has helped me along. I have no idea what denomination Laurie is, but for those who believe in Christ, I've found she is very helpful in illuminating spiritual issues when I want to talk about them. And let me clear, she only raises these issues when I do, so no one should be afraid to schedule a call with her lest they think coaching has religious overtones.
On the lighter side, I had my church retreat reunion party at my house last night. The rain held off long enough to cook and we sat under a large umbrella drinking beers and smoking cigars thereafter--and even watched Father Corapi preach on the priesthood at 11 p.m. A real man's night out where we went from talking about to a discussion of issues on faith. I also met TKKC1 for lunch -- who is tall and handsome for you ladies out there!!! kinda like a young Jeff Daniels: He suggested a great book on talking with my kids and we actually bumped into each other on our train ride home and talked some more. Eddy gave a call and Betsey is always there. Can't wait to meet JinBrooklyn and Heart to Heart. Both TKKC1 and I both acknowledged that we lost our R's with our friends after Ms with dominant personalities--particularly on the female side. So to meet and spend time with some ladies that don't know my W and that I don't work with is something special to making us a more complete souls. I hope I can give back too.
Lastly, W is on her way back from the beach with the kiddies as I write -- I can only hope the next 36 hours deliver some peace. Be good everyone!
to a discussion of issues on faith. I also met TKKC1 for lunch -- who is tall and handsome for you ladies out there!!!