Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Never knew I was LD until I got married

Greetings,
I'm new to the board and wanted to introduce myself. I'm MF w/2 dss. I didn't know I was LD until I got married. I just never discussed my private life with anyone and did not know that desire once or twice a year was abnormal. I do engage much more than my desire dictates, but my DH is understandably frustrated. Advice, critiques, and comments welcome.

Hi!

Well, I'm sorta new here too, so take my comments for whatever they're worth. "Abnormal" or not (in fact, forget about that), you're certainly not alone, as you'll soon find out reading these boards. That's once or twice a year more than my LDW, and the fact that you're here means you obviously want to do something about it, which is a GREAT first step, and more than some HD spouses can say about their LD spouses.

Forget about normal or abnormal. If the difference between your level of desire and your H's is causing a problem, then it's something you both need to deal with. I'm just finishing Michele's book The Sex Starved Marriage and I would HIGHLY recommend it, for starters.

Hey CN, welcome aboard but sorry you are having trouble in your R!

It's really great to have you here because there has been very few LD folks on this board lately. Just by coming here, you are displaying an incredible act of "giving" to your relationship and your H should feel very lucky.

Anyway, from the sound of your sitch, I would have sworn you were my W. It sounds frightenly familiar to many of us HD folks.

As far as advice goes, it would really help to know more about your situation. How long have you been married? Did you ever have a higher desire/drive? Have you ruled out physical / hormonal issues? It might help to read recent posts from Corri, Aquarian, and eyesopened. Corri seemed to make some progress to the point where she stopped journaling, Aquarian is still working through things and occasionally visits, and eyesopened has become excessively proactive in her M with oodles of remorse and a "just do it" anytime approach.

There are books which discuss ways to boost the libido up. Most of them say the same thing..."more sex, more MB, more fantasizing, taking ownership of your own sexuality, getting in touch with your womanhood etc." It all depends on who you want to listen to and what you think your problem is. Most of these approaches assume that the LD spouse is mildly out of sync with the sex and tremendously out of sync with "connectedness". It seems to be the other way around where the "connectedness" is good (in the mind of the LD) but the sex is dramatically out of sync. Again, more info will clarify this and give us the insight required to give you some things to explore.

As an HD, I can ramble on all day about the "lack of connection" I feel towards my W and the fear I have when I really want to be physically close but am too scared to make myself vulnerable to rejection. Then, when she does agree to ML, there is so much pressure on me because I go into the experience resentful that it has been so long since the last LM session. I also want to prolong it and have it be great. It has absolutely nothing to with horniness because I take care of that myself. It's about wanting to warm my heart up with love for her. It's about seeing her as a "woman" instead of mom. Its about having a couple hours a week where I don't feel like a dad, provider, protector, landlord, parent, etc...I feel like a "lover". It's about wanting to start "fresh" every few days by dissolving the stress of disagreements through closeness. It's about celebrating marriage though the one thing that is uniquely special to being married. It's about seeing a retired couple, holding hands on the beach and being optimistic instead of thinking "where will I find someone to grow old with".

It's about getting my "love" and "appreciation" back to a level where I'm not questioning my commitment to her. This is was what brought me here...I had a "golden" opportunity to have a sexual experience outside the marriage. Over the years I used to imagine this exact scenario and then question how I would handle it. Over 10 years of our SSM, it gradually went from "why even think about that...never ever would I do that" to "yes...if I wouldn't get caught". I even started putting myself into situations where this could occur because feeling "desired" was such a buzz (for wrong reasons that I'm addressing now). Finally, when faced with this opportunity, I wussed out because I 1) realized that I "should be" desirable to my W and 2) realized that I hadn't done any work to improve her desire for me and it wouldn't be fair of me to cheat now without first giving her the chance to meet my needs.

For our 5 yr. anniversary, my W had a message inscribed inside my wedding ring that basically says "grow old with me...the best is yet to be". I'm having a very hard time believing it, even with the progress we are making. I pray that one day, I will look at her and think "she was right, these are great times and I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

I hope my sharing this info helped some. I'm not sure if I'm anything like your H but I bet he shares at least a couple feelings. As you post, we will try to help you sort out what feelings are valid in terms of a healthy relationship. There are a few of us who have done some pretty intense studying of Dr. David Schnarch's books and feel like he's got a good idea about the inner-workings of relationships and how to handle them.

Good luck.

Hi Movie Star,
Welcome to the club. It is interesting that your post has brought out such a revealing post from AtlDave. It goes to show that the life of the HD is a turbulent swirl of emotions. He, like me has changed enormously in the last few months but underneath it all he is still fighting the same battle. I woke up just now feeling so full of love I could not help myself from reaching my arms out to W (who has told me not to cuddle her in bed in the mornings). She pulled away, annoyed, leaving me feeling the same dispair I have always felt despite months of training myself to self soothe. You will gain valuable insights on this forum into the way the HD mind works and hopefully you will provide us with some clues too.
SD

Jeffin,
Thanks for the welcome. I have read Sex Starved and am looking to connect with people who are implementing its philosophy.
Cinema

Hi Nymph!

Glad to see you here...well sort of, glad you are wanting to do something to improve your marriage anyway :-)

I would highly recommend that you read SSM as well, especially since you are the LD person wanting to make a change. This book gives you a great insight to how your husband is most likely feeling...and it will also connect with many of the ways you feel I have no doubt. There are parts of that book that will seem to have been written specifically for you, no matter which side of the fence you sit on.

FYI, I used to be LD and have become the HD in my current marriage. I made a decision to make the change from LD to HD, so it can be done. Just wanted you to know that :-)

Thanks for the warm welcome and view from the other side.

My DH and I waited until we were married to consumate our R. I did not know how much weight sex carried in a marriage until after I was married. I was quite naive. We will be celebrating our 9th anniversary this fall.

I have achieved climax with DH. The level of climax is directly correlated to the level of depression experienced afterwards. The better the sex, the deeper the depression. We have sex about once a week and I live with the depression that follows about half the week. When the depression hits, I just don't want him or much of anything, for that matter. It's all I can do to attend to my obligations. I have told him this happens, but he just doesn't understand.

I have to assess what is required of me in the next few days in order to decide what level gratification I can achieve. He is not satified unless I have achieved climax. I have told him that I am willing to accomodate him without achieving climax, but for him it's all about my climax. If I don't, he feels cheated.

I have tryed antidepressants, which deaden my libido. I want to improve this sitch, but am at an impasse. Thanks in advance for your input.

Nymph...

Why do you think you experience depression after climax? Can you give us a bit more of your background? Have you been to a Dr to eliminate physical problems, were there issues in your family while growing up etc? We may need more info to go on in order to try to help with this.

Hi Cinema

Have you been to see a doctor to address why you might be feeling such depression? If so, have you considered counseling to see what it is that depresses you so when you climax and why it hangs around half the week afterward? Don't know about other HD people, but I for one feel wonderful after climax.

Annette

I have been assessed for physcial/hormonal problems. I even sought second opinion just to make sure.

I do have childhood/family issues that I have been in therapy for. I am tired of talk therapy, after trying several therapists and nearly two decades of talk I am not any better for it. The depression is just something I know will be there and I have learned to live with (or around as the sitch may require).