Quote: I've been trying to be less serious, and to be more into "fun" little things, looking for "when he least expects it" moments....I don't know if it makes much diffence, but I think it might some.
In my opinion Deb, you are doing just awesome . It's so very hard isn't it? But when people (that would be "us") are serious about changing, that IS what it IS...hard work. Soon all of these changes will be a big part of you and your personality...at least that is what we should be striving for. You seem to be working very hard to get to that "place" and are having many successes. I give you a big "Congratulations" and many pats on the back. (YOU should too!!) You definitely deserve more, but that will come later ... be confident of that! All of this acting "As If" and 180's serves many a purpose.
I remember talking with several different counselor's that my husband had seen because of his depressions, etc.. They all (basically) would say the same thing. If your H would get up in the morning and focus on the good things, begin "acting" like he was happy, things would begin to change for him. Of course, he wasn't able to do that .. at least not at THAT time. But it all makes sense. Being the humans that we are, we have absolutely no control over anyone, BUT ourselves! When we make the choice to "Be Happy", focus on the good (as hard as it IS to do, especially at the beginning) "things" DO change! You can give testament to that! (I can too!)
In my situation I really couldn't tell "where" H was at in his relationship(s) .... yes there was more than one! He is a self-employed contractor and his job takes him all over the place. So I never knew if where he "said" he would be was actually where he was. I had to drop it .. I had to stop obsessing over it. (VERY hard to do!) I totally stopped talking to H about OW/his problems. I began going out (not being there when he returned...from "wherever" he may have been) and began developing ME. Would it be another 180 for you if you started working on not talking about OW at all? Maybe acting like you think she is out of the picture?...but also that you are beginning to "live your life" ... like you have never before? You need to realize just how important of a person you are! If you begin acting on that ... the sky is the limit .. for YOU! This is ALL so very hard and complicated to do, I know! I am there right now. Constantly working on changing/challenging myself. Trying to be the best I can be. Everybody has to travel these roads at their own pace and as I have already said several times, you are doing great! I just thought I would mention the above as a possibility of something more you could "add" as a change.
I will continue keeping up on your posts, as I can identify so very much with what you are going through. Like you (.. or maybe someone else here said?) Keep on keeping on... you WILL get there!
Hi Deb - You are so right - this morphing is a complicated process. Just when we think we have a breakthrough in our personal growth, we have to dig deeper for more. But all worthwhile, hey?
Hi TC, thanks for the post and encouragement....what is your thread called? I'd love to follow up on your sitch.... This is hard hard stuff in my opinion....but I guess nothing worth having is easy, or something like that is the old adage....
Hi again TC, I was going to mention the 180 of not mentioning the OW that you suggested and forgot....you are absolutely right, I think that might be a great 180 for me, and I have actually had that as a short term goal about 2 months ago....I think it was the end of March, I set a goal of not mentioning her until June...(I had to set a time frame, because "forever" seemed to unacheivable, LOL!)....and I almost made it, got until the middle/end of May and somehow got into a heated discussion and wound up throwing H's frozen lunch at him as he left for work.....being able to act "as if" she doesnt exist, is out of the picture is a big part of dropping the rope for me, and of moving on w/my life....I do better at it at times and worse at other times, and it's scary. I think I'm afraid I will miss something if I give up focusing any attention on her. Work for me to do there, huh? I am going to renew that focus/effort though....someone else...maybe it was you! posted recently that it really made their H wonder what was going on when they started ignoring OW....
I've been working on going out a little and coming home a while after H does....Saturday he'd been home from "work" about an hour before I got home, and seemed a little "distressed" that I was gone, even though S was with me and we'd gone to the grocery store....I'm still somewhat cautious about being gone a lot because one of his complaints was that I was never around/interested in him...but I think just a touch does him good. I told him I'd thought we'd be home before him or I'd have left a note....that's kind of a touchy issue because I've told him it helps me feel better when he leaves me a note or lets me know when he's gone, and he has been pretty good about it, so I try to reciprocate for the most part..... I just had a weird thought that I can even tell on his notes when he's lying to me, thinking specifically of valentines, the day before he left a note that he was going shopping and went to OW's, I was so suspicious just somehow from the way his handwriting was, and I was right.
Hi Dawn! that is a funny one about the teen years! I sure know what you mean, though. I've sometimes felt like I have 3 kids (4 actually, since D got married) and I never know which one is going to need "mom" next or for what! At least your H has some cognizance of where he's at....I'm not sure mine does.....at least he doesnt admit it!
thought I'd post about the weekend. It was kind of a bust, and I don't think good for dbing efforts, although who know. We went to visit my parents and brother...they live 2 hours away. I love them dearly, but it is very difficult for me to be around them very much, they live lives of complete and utter chaos and have a completely different perspective on life than I do. I am certain my mother's been addicted to the "womens drugs" of the 60's since then, (valium, librum, etc.), since then and the results are pretty much what you would expect, and so painful to have to see. I had thought they were all doing better the last couple of years, but they seemed to have really regressed this past weekend, with the result that H and S and I are totally exhausted from just spending 24 hours visiting them. It was so weird and painful. My parents physical health is not good, and that makes it even harder to see.
H was so patient in putting up with them, although I could sense that it caused him to pull back emotionally some....can't blame him, it's just a natural self-protective response the the chaos and mess...
When we walked through the door of our home yesterday afternoon, I was struck hard by the relief of being home....I think H was also...in fact he commented as such....and last night by how good it felt to sleep in our own bed in our own room.....I had to run to the store to pick up some items, and found myself fretting that H would be calling OW while I was gone....don't know if he did, he'd suggested I go to the store so that always makes me suspicious, but maybe he was just afraid we'd run out of necessities..... I thanked H for his patience with my family and told him how much I appreciated it and how good it felt to be home again w/him....put my arms around him and told him I was missing not having a chance for "naughtiness"....H said he was exhausted and too tired and that if I wanted "naughtiness" I would have to not ask him to go visit there very much....I was joking around and said "what, you mean the plans I've made for every other weekend arent going to work"and he said "no" emphatically, but gave me a hug.
h went to bed about 10, I stayed up about 1/2 hour later to finish cleaning the kitchen. When I went to bed, I undressed in the bathroom so as not to bother him, but my nightgown wasnt hanging where I thought, so walked into get one nude. When I opened the drawer H wanted to know what I was doing, I told him, and he said "I thought you were going to sleep w/out one"....I chuckled and said "it works for me if it does for you" and hopped in bed. This is kind of a 180 after a 180....several months ago I'd been sleeping nude some just to be different (this from a woman who used to wear flannel nightgowns) and h seemed to become somewhat immune to it, so I changed again and went back to wearing "sexy" night things....just trying to be a little bit unpredictable.... I really wasnt expecting anything, but surprise surprise, H seemed to have found his 2nd wind and initiated ml....a "quickie but goodie" in H's terms......I went to sleep with his arms around me, the best place in the world to be, and slept soundly all night. this morning H was pleasant although he seemed kind of distant when I rubbed his back and kissed him when his alarm went off....I always think it's because he's rushing off to call OW, and I'm certain sometimes that's it, but I need to try to keep my focus shifted away from that.
S came to my office this morning and was riding to D's house w/H as he went to the out-of-town office.....H came to get S in my office. As they were leaving, I told S to give me a quick hug, which he did, and I kissed my fingers and pressed them to H's cheek, but he leaned over and kissed my cheek and whispered ILY....I tucked that in my heart as a nice thing for the day.
Heavens I wish I wasnt so tired today. I am astounded at how draining both physically and emotionally a day at my folks can be. I find that so sad.
Deb - Maybe next time you go to your parents, you can spend less time? Like rent a hotel room (if you haven't before) and let your H know that you'd love him with you, but you don't necessarily expect him to join you at their house. You shouldn't have to feel that stressed.
Hi dfb....yes, we are going to have to rent a motel room for our own sanity, and I will give h the option of not going. We've stayed in motels most of the time when we go to visit, but for some reason that insults my parents....but we are going to have to just as a matter of survival. I really can't handle the stress and strain. I have no clue how they can live with it day in and day out. Even w/all the crap going on at home right now, it doesnt seem as bad...no wonder their health is so poor. They honestly need to be in a retirement home, but they will never do that. My mom still works 3/4 time, my dad works full time and helps my brother farm and they just bought a floundering business.....maybe that's why they seem so bad right now....sigh....I would love to be more supportive to them but I just can't do it all right now, and my first priority has to be my own family. Which means my brother, who's never married, is stuck with most of the "front line" stuff, and that's hard for him. Life is complicated, that''s for sure
Oh Wow, I was just over in the main office building and in the break room, someone has posted an article entitled "parental affairs" on the bulletin board. It's from a professional journal, and dated 2001, so someone purposely put it up there. It looks really good, it's talking about the traumatic effects of affairs on children & spouses. I'll have to read it, but it wasnt there last week, and I can't help but think it is not a coincidence that someone chose to post it there......OK, H and OW....check out the BB and take it to heart!!!!
