I have a feeling my other thread is going to lock soon, so thought I would get this one open just to be prepared. Hope I can get this link to work! previous thread here: Morphing into a Red Hot Momma 6
I got a weird question for you...have you ever considered letting your H read some of the stuff on the BB?? My H is incredibly interested (in a good way), and I was thinking of printing off some stuff from the various WAS threads for him. I wouldn't have even thought seriously about it, but he's said a few times that he didn't know why he did what he did or what motivated or how to prevent himself from getting all confused again. He even insisted on watching an episode of 7th Heaven (which he hates) since someone on there sounded like him, and he was looking for some insight.
I've suggested DR, but he says it's too long for him to read, and that he would lose interest. (Very true.)
interesting, this unspoken "dance" between H and I....the closeness and withdrawal on his part...I am trying to stay constant, to be the "northern star", but sometimes I feel like I need a compass myself. I have no clue what's up between "them", and am staying far away from the topic.... Last night I caught up w/H in the parking lot here at work as I pulled in as he was pulling out to go home....he usually stops by my office but I was out....he saw me come in and came back to say "hi"...we talked a few minutes, and he seemed happy to see me....I asked if I could come around to his car window and give him a quick kiss and he said "sure", in a voice that sounded kind of pleased about it. I hadnt mentioned that while we were gone on vacation I gave him a quick kiss a couple of times in a parking lot and he got irritated, just plain told me "stop that I don't like it" once.....so yesterday evening in the parking lot at work was ok....go figure. I worked until 9, got home and H was still doing weights....S mentioned he didn't think H had called OW....H came upstairs waving a paper when he finished weights and said "look what I got"...it was an email from the HR dept at the place he sent his resume before we left, wanting him to contact them to set up an interview. H is not sure he's interested in the position they have open, but I encouraged him to interview just to build the contacts.....I hope it isn't too late, the email was sent June 30. I have resisted checking email for him, because I'm his wife, not his Mom, and that's one of the things he needs to do for himself....so I have my fingers crossed, its a pretty specialized position so it would probably take a while to fill...it would be split between 2 offices, on 30 miles from us, 1 50, but the one further away is in the town where we lived when we were 1st married eons ago. I hope they can offer him an attractive salary package, because that would be tempting to him and we wouldnt have to move out of state. I don't want to move, but as I said before I certainly will if that's what needs to be done....
Anyway, H seemed so much more at peace after he got that email....it's as if it gave him some hope that there is a way to get away from.....her???? I hope that's it. But he mentioned how encouraged he was that at least they expressed some interest. I had hoped to ml, but we were both tired, I snuggled up to him and evidently fell fast asleep...woke up in the middle of the night and thought "well darn, blew that"
This morning H is off and I had to come to work. H let me sleep and did chores himself, brought in coffee to me an hour later than I usually get up and woke me up...mentioned I'd seemed tired, so he'd decided to let me sleep as long as possible....I thanked him profusely for that and the coffee and mentioned what a thoughtful and loving thing it was...hope that is the kind of behavior reward that will pay off.
I told H I would be up for loving when I got home....he said how he's have to get his weights done.....I hugged him and told him "that's ok, I'm giving you a bad time, but I will be ready when you are"....frankly, it's been almost a week and that's starting to seem like a long time! But the weird thing is H seems "warmer" emotionally....can't put my finger on it, an outsider wouldnt be aware of it....it's hard to describe. I gave him a peck on the check and said "love ya, gotta run" and turned to go out the door. He said "I love you" with emphasis....not "love you too" in a mumbled way, but very clearly and specifically...again, hard to describe but it's "different"..
We are going out of town tomorrow to visit my brother....will stay overnight....so, that another weekend out of OW's grasp that he's consented to. YES!! He did say yesterday he may have to go do paperwork in the morning, but I choose to believe that's most likely the truth, since he's been gone and frankly we are starting to lose clinical staff right and left because of the paper work load increase....
so I keep on keeping on, keep on hoping these small signs that I pick up are accurate....I am encouraged by the little almost imperceptible changes, the tone of his voice, the way he hugs me, etc....Of course they may change again tomorrow, who knows... he is still purposefully putting his ring on after exercise, etc., and he wears it to work around coworkers. I know everybody's sick of hearing about it, but it still is a big source of encouragement to me. he's been wearing it over a month now.
I just can't think of a thing to do differently right now, so I guess I will just "stay the course" and see what happens with some more time.....I swear though a new job in this location would be the answer to prayers. I don't think H wants to move either, really.
Hi again Nevanna, I think we were posting at the same time. I've thought of sharing some stuff w/H but havent for a couple of reasons: -It's a big point of pride with him that he "knows all this stuff"...(yeah, right, that's how we got here!) and he is so resistant to any kind of "authority" that I've thought it would be counter productive to go there. Years ago I got some book on relationships and asked him to read it and he got really angry and just flat out refused, so I've never gone down that cheeseless tunnel again. If your H is expressing interest howevern, I think that's a whole different ball game, and I think it could be very helpful. --I also don't want H to know what I'm up to...this is my place to sort through whats going on and how to respond to it most effectively, and I sure don't want to "tip my hand" so to speak. I was concerned that he read my DR book when he found it for that very reason, (he even commented about how all my highlighting made it a quick and easy read!!!!) but, he has been through the training and used DB professionally, so at cognitive level he knows this stuff anyway....I just really don't want him to know the nitty-gritty of what I'm up to. I even make sure I delete the history file on our computer any time I'm on to cover my tracks. --Damned OW has DR also....I sure don't want her to have any help in drawing up her battle plans. Of course for all I know she's on the bb reading everything I post anyway....but oh well, I'm not going to give her any extra help, and I'm sure he would "spill the beans" to her....
I've often wished I could share some stuff with him that I've found here, but I just have the feeling the time isn't right for me to do that....I guess that's something you have to decide based on your instincts. I believe there is a part in DR that suggests it's best not to share the info. with one's spouse, however. (don't think I dreamed that)
I've been thinking about my last comment that I don't know what else to do. I have been doing something different, kind of a 180. the last 2 months or so, and its been fun for me....I've been trying to be less serious, and to be more into "fun" little things, looking for "when he least expects it" moments....I don't know if it makes much diffence, but I think it might some. I've always been such a serious person, probably too much so for anyone's good, so I've been trying to "shuck" that image somewhat....and I do catch H looking at me in surprise sometimes. I am starting to believe that a big part of this is making a concious effort to train myself to look at things differently....I think I posted earlier about the hummingbird pooping on us on vacation....there would have been a time when that would have been upsetting to me, this time I found it hilarious. some other things I should mention so I don't forget: as we were driving to our destination on vacation, we got stuck in some slow moving traffic, H hates this and always gets upset and starts to cuss and complain, usually I respond by getting tense and irritable at him. This time, we were stuck at a stop light with him grumping about it, and I just looked at him and said "well ok", unbuckled my seat belt real quick, and jumped over and gave him a big loud smack of a kiss on the cheek, and said "there".....H got this shocked and confused look on his face and said "what was that"....I just said "you got kissed at a stoplight" and chuckled. I glanced at S in the backseat as I redid my seat belt, and the kid had huge shocked eyes and said "well thats unusual!".... We were in a restaurant on vacation that is a favorite of ours, and I know H was there w/OW last fall...I kept looking at the window seats where I know they sat, and I saw H glancing that way looking sad and uncomfortable....I decided to find something fun to focus on instead. There was a teen aged bus boy with a really funky/punky hair do, with it pulled down in front of one eye almost to his chin....S made comments about how weird it was....so I said "oh, heck, you think that's weird, watch this, my hair can do that too"....and messed up the back and pulled the front down over my faced and looked at him and crossed my eyes....he started to laugh, and I turned to my H and crossed my eyes at him, H looked shocked.....of course about that time the poor busboy walks by and sees me immitating him, and looks like he doesnt know what to think.....I looked up at him from under my hair, and said "I'm sorry...looked at S and pointed....and said "my kid made me do it!"...H started to chuckle so hard he snorted, and he didnt' look as forlorn the rest of the time we were there. On the 4th of July, I usually just set on the porch and watch the activity, I decided this year I wasnt going to be an old fogey, so I went out and lit some fire works with the kids even though I'm kind of scared of them. I actually threw a firecracker under H's feet, but then I felt bad and had to warn him to move before it went off...
So, I don't know just little things, but they seem to help my out look, and I hope they help H see me in a somewhat new light, as a more "fun" and unpredictable person....of course his snickering last weekend about "hearing words like that come out of your mouth after all these years" when I commented about the "mirror for naughtiness" makes me think it might be working... I guess one good thing is that as I tune in to looking I am seeing opportunities outside of sex.....
So glad you posted about the funloving things you did. I got a chuckle from reading them! I really do think that having a sense of humor and being light-hearted can make for some wonderful memories. Also, sounds like a lot of 180s for you! Terrific!
As for the whole "port" thing. You just keep building it by getting your own life and dropping the rope. Let the OW do her part in this whole process by coming apart at the seams. (How's that for a whole bunch of meaningful metaphors?)
A little hijack here to tell you a funny MLC story.
Last night H was complaining about his elbow hurting. I asked him why he thought this kept happening to him. He replied, "I am getting old". I laughed and said that I thought it was funny to hear him admit that since he seemed to be in denial of his age lately. He just put his head down and said quietly, "Well, you know I don't want to ever grow up". I sighed and said, "I know that...I was just hoping that we could get past your teen years". He said (A little defensively) "Well, you can always hope."
