Hi Azure ~ I am not sure what I would do about the service for BIL if I were you. I guess I am still somewhat of a "conflict avoider" so I am not sure I would want to put myself throuh that!!
Quote: Like H still has so much power to make me feel bad or good. But I really think I am beginning to detach from that.
After a while H will no longer have that power over you....that is a really good feeling to look forward to!!
PS...congrats on your last C appt!! I am meeting my C for coffee next week. We have kept in touch and I look forward to catching up with her on a different level!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Hmmm...yes, it's not a feeling I get from Michelle's books at all -- they are very positive. And I am well aware that no one puts us 'one down' but ourselves. I confess! I do it! I take full responsibility!
And I definitely love the BB, it has TRULY, TRULY been a lifesaver in terms of support, guidance, growth, friendships. That's not really what I meant. Maybe I'm just starting to get vaguely interested in the rest of life again, and when I find myself preoccupied with H, it just seems like it has only led so far and no farther. And that's probably ok. I mean, it seems like he may well be a friend. But quite possibly no more than that. I guess it's like, how long can I continue to pour psychic energy into it? Am I making any sense? OK, let's try again, Azure. Yes, I am making myself feel 'one-down' when I spend a great deal of my time thinking about H and when there's no movement -- but I might be starting to get to the place where I'd rather think about things that tend to make me feel good, where there is . And I don't mean romantically (per se), but friendships, interests, adventures. See, I don't know if H is in MLC (in which case it could take years) or if he genuinely fell out of love with me, or maybe he just loves the beginnings of relationships, or -- who knows? Aye-yi-yi, I still don't know if I'm making sense... We'll see if it's a mood or if it's a general trend, anyway.
On the other hand, I've totally and utterly seen the benefits of DBing MYSELF! Yeah, baby, very much so.
Thanks, dear ones, for your support. I'll see if H invites me to the service. (Ron, I don't know if I'd have the b---s to go if not invited, but your encouragement makes me think about it).
Quote: but I might be starting to get to the place where I'd rather think about things that tend to make me feel good, where there is . And I don't mean romantically (per se), but friendships, interests, adventures.
Makes perfect sense to me, and I can completely understand this feeling!
Wishing you many fun & exciting new adventures with persons new & old!
Big hugs to you, and thank you for the visit. I love your reflections! I hope I can come to a calm gentle place like that soon. I will!
About the funeral, IMHO the GF being present or not will be the least of your worries. It may be harder than you think to attend, if you do go, be prepared if overwhelming feelings come, and with the nature of the death, it will probably be very emotional. I don't want to be gloom and doom, but I have only attended 2 funerals since my mom, my granny, and my daddy.
Hugs. jenhoco
Sometimes the lights all shining on me, other times I can barely see. Lately it occurs to me, what a long, strange trip it's been. -- Grateful Dead
Oh Azure, you make a whole lot of sense to me. Life is out there and it's just as alive as it was when we got sucked into this undertow.
Hope I didn't misrepresent myself re: the BB. I too have found it to be an amazing resource for me. But I do see differences between what the books suggest (control and responsibility over our own lives/choices in the R) and the attitudes in some areas of the BB (feeling of lack of the above). But I think that's also to be expected since we are muddling through with our tools...
I was reading something this morning for work-- that we all communicate much more confidently when we're not seeking someone's approval... and thought how much that relates to DBing and the comments you posted the last few days. Wow... it's so very true when I apply it to interactions with our Ss...
take care! Wonder
PS to Sun, how cool that you're having coffee with your C. I feel I really lucked out having the C I did. So very helpful and in tune with my values/ways of approaching the world.
Azure, I was a little bit behind on your thread, but I'm caught up now. I hope you do get an opportunity to go to BIL's funeral. And I do hope that you'll take that opportunity to speak. Sending you lots of love and peace to envelop you through the coming days.
NSN My current thread LUVR ... Listen, Understand, Validate, and Respond
Azure, I've been behind as well. Hope you're doing okay, esp with the stress of BIL's service. I know that you cared for him too so it's all more complex than just your R with H and the sitch.....I'm just so sorry for the whole thing. What a tragedy.
I liked the discussion about DB'ing and one-down or one-up and your sense that you have benefited from it personally. Gotta say, I still don't quite get your H's perspective in all this....MLC? seems like the best answer as it can be a catch-all.....I can sure give you a good story about my H and his unhappinesses, but your H never really answered that question, did he.....oh well, ultimately we cannot control them and that is the biggest lesson of all (at least for me ).
Be well, GBO
PS Maybe we can get together sometime in the next week?
Coming back at you, Jen. I just posted a poem on your thread.
Just updating quickly - I'm meeting the musician guy today, we're going for a drive down the coast, with my dog. (My dog is also a barometer to tell me things about people. Especially now that she is older and needs some TLC). I"ve been enjoying my email conversations with him, we have a lot in common, it seems. I'm keeping expectations low, I'd at least like a new friend, and if not even that, just a chance to visit someone else's world and see some things through their eyes. Btw, I had a great time with a girlfriend yesterday, we lay on the rug on my living room floor and talked all afternoon. (I don't know about you all, but I love someone I can lie down and talk to, it's so relaxing and your conversation can meander over all sorts of topics). Last night, I felt such a feeling of sadness come over me, but I decided I would just let it pass through. "Horseman, pass by." Life changes, what are you going to do but stop fighting it and see where the river takes you?
I have not heard from H since Thursday morning, he said he'd call me back later about the memorial service, but he has been completely MIA. Remembering how things were after my dad died, I know how crazy it can be. So I'm trying not to make this at all about me. Like I'll start to think: maybe he doesn't want me to come to the service (see, the timing of the service isn't as crucial b/c BIL was cremated, so it could take place at any time), but then I do the thought-stopping thing and say to myself, "I'm sure H has 11,000,000 other things on his mind right now.")
Hugs to all. We've all had our challenges this week -- is there something in the air?? in the stars??
I am meeting my C for coffee next week. We have kept in touch and I look forward to catching up with her on a different level!! 
Makes perfect sense to me, and I can completely understand this feeling! 
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