Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE What are people doing for their own crucible?

To all PM practioners:

Anyone care to identify what they are trying in their own crucibles? I am having a hard time to identify something I want to change. I am still stuck in the mindset of what to change about me that might make the wife want me. I really only have one change that really sticks out, to restore my self confidence, or grow some new ones, the old ones have been stomped on long enough. But what other changes should I concentrate on first, and how will any of this get me to my goal of having a lover? Or is this too fused? In other words, I don't seem to have a good direction to go, what have other people tryed and succeeded with.

Each person must find their own path - what's valid for me will not be valid for you, because we each have our own issues. For now, forget about your goal of having a lover - that will take care of itself if you do the work. For now, focus first on your attitude towards women in general, and seek to discover why you harbor such anger towards them - and DON'T accept the first (and very obvious) answer that will present itself. Look deeper. Also, look inside yourself and discover how you REALLY feel about CeMar himself.

I'm with Tim. CeMar, you seem to have a really bad attitude about women. I've chastised you before about your "us against them" mentality. I've just lightly skimmed PM, but in even a cursory flip through it, it looks like you've missed the boat.

Of course, as I said on Tim's anniversary thread, there are no hard and fast answers either in what course to take, what issues to address, or how to address them. You know yourself and your W better than anyone else - or at least you should. What do YOU think needs to be addressed in order to change the sitch?

Wildebube

Wildebube

CeMar asked:
Anyone care to identify what they are trying in their own crucibles?
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I agree that everyone's will be different, but mine involved no more mercy sex. I expressed that I want sex where we both are enthusiastic and involved. In PM terms, I want us to learn how to f**k (Chap.10, but I didn't say it that way). I let my W know that "just do it" won't work for me and would be refused.

The results have been promising. We've had some tough discussions, but some good ones, too. My W is reading TSSM, PM, and some of this BB (at least my posts). She's even talked with one of the DB telephone Cs.

I should say that I hurt her by letting her know that I wasn't satisfied with what we had. It's not that it was never good, but I haven't felt the love she claims for me through our sexual experience. She's having a hard time getting past the "it's never been good" thought in her mind. I would give anything to change the way I communicated to her, if I could, although even now I don't know how else to say that I want it to be better. (I'm sorry, honey, if you read this.)

So, that's been my crucible. I gave my W the option of non-mercy sex or no sex at all. She has told me that she doesn't want to live w/o sex, but she's afraid of my HD being too much for her. I don't know how to reassure her about that, but at least she says she wants to try.

Mike,

At least she is making an effort and listening, then reacting. Big difference from even a couple of weeks ago. You are lucky that she is finally starting to participate in the healing of these issues in your M.

JoJo

Jo,

There IS a big difference in a few weeks ago. No sex yet, but that's just me sticking to my guns.

She told me the other day that she felt like there was nothing she could do, since I've refused the "just do it" routine. I explained to her that I need to see her taking some step, however small, to make a change. (We've been real good at "saying" we'll change, but not taking action.)

I told her that she could change it quickly by saying to me, "I'm not quite ready yet, but I'm working on a surprise for you. I'll let you know in a few days when I'm ready." Just knowing that she's trying/reading something new would make me crazy for her!

Since I know she's reading some on the BB, I asked for suggestions from the HDW on what they think, how they approach sex, and what they do. I also asked for LDW who have become more HD for input on what they did to get there. My thinking is that my W would rather hear suggestions and ideas from someone else than me.

The challenge for me is to encourage her by non-sexual affection and words, but not to remove the incentive for change by overdoing it. I hate having to regulate it, but I've shot myself in the foot before.

Thanks for what you've shared about yourself. Your sense of humor about sex is a super idea in itself.

Mike - would love for sex to be easy enough to joke about it at home

Mike,

I think that the idea of having sex in the "just do it" mode is not always productive. The emotional component of sex and other intimacy is critical in a marriage. If the emotional connection is not there during the physical connection, that can create even more damage, anger and resentment, IMHO. I can't fathom why that would be good for a relationship that already has too much distance in it.

You are not just here asking questions about sex. You are also asking how how you two can reconnect as a couple with intimacy, affection, and trust. Sex is part of that package, but not the only thing that you need. If it were, you would never have come here seeking answers, you would have had an affair and had those physical needs met and not thought twice about it.

You have taken action by telling her no more mercy sex, you want intimacy and love, affection, respect and wholeness in your marriage. I hope that by stopping your requesting her to have sex with you, denying her that attention will get her to think about the damage that her denial and refusal has done to the both of you.

For continued progress in your journey.

JoJo

But I thought that the whole idea of "just do it" was that if the LD partner will just do it, they'll "learn" to like it. As I've said several times before, she has to actually be there before there's any need to worry about her "being there". That's not to say that passion and desire aren't important, they are, but you can't be passionate about something you're not doing at all.

Wildebube

"Just do it" and the SSM book are for couples who are both scratching their heads trying to figure out where the libido went in one partner. I've only seen a few people on this board get results from SSM alone because it seems to assume that the relationship isn't in gridlock and that both be somewhat motivated and acknowledge the problem. Must of us guys have to resort to "deeper" issues by using PM. But what is funny is that Michelle actually uses lots of concepts in PM in SSM. It's just that pat advice like "just do it" seems to be what we all remember the most and it is much easier beat your LD partner with an idea like that.

WB and AD,

The theory of "just do it" makes assumptions that the partner is at least willing to try. If the partner is not willing, IE, my own situation, the "just do it" idea is akin to rape.

I was the initiator for years in my marriage. I stopped initiating after one particular horrible experiance where I felt that I was raping a 10 year old boy instead of ML to my husband. He refused to talk to me to explain why it was so tramatic for him, and I never initiated sex again. That may be an extreme example of why I don't think that the "just do it" philosophy is not always a good idea, but it was my reality. This is why I caution you to be careful in using this technique.

JoJo