Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE I finally had a talk with the wife

Lee,
Congrats on expressing what you want to W in a direct way and staying calm...way to go!
J

Hey, Lee... remember me?

Have you discovered your wife's LL? I am wondering if she just doesn't feel loved by you. I know this was the case with my H.

My love language was quality time. He never seemed to have time for me... anyway, that was my perception. I would have loved for him to schedule dates, call me for a spur of the moment lunch, etc. I always felt 3 or 4th on the list.

His LL is physical touch. And he is a HD kind of guy. So, he finds OW who is delighted to have all the sex he wants. The convos here worry me...

You keep trying the same things it seems to me. You keep talking about what you want from her. What could my H have done (other than leave me) to make me feel loved? He could have put my needs ahead of his, made me feel special, filled MY love tank. Tried to satisfy me... and I hope I would have responded.

The thing is, if I had thought about my Hs needs, and he had thought about mine, we would have filled each other up, and he would not have sought out the A.

I made huge mistakes. I acted like your wife. I felt that if my H loved me, he should love me as I am, not want me to change. I understand where your wife is coming from. But asking her and begging her to change, to give you sex just because you want it, I don't see it working.

I still believe that if you make her feel special, that she is the only one you want to be with, have sex with, live with, raise a family with... really edify her, almost worship her, if you do all of these things, she will want to please you.

What could you do for your wife today. What would startle her, amaze her, let her know how much you love her? What does she ask you for?

I feel your pain, Lee. I don't want you two to D... but threatening to leave her because you want sex... basing your love for her on sex... no wonder she doesn't think you truly love HER.

And Lee... do you tell your W that you are wild about her, she makes you crazy, you want to be able to come up behind her and whisper dirty things in her ear? Or whatever it is you REALLY see a fulfilling sex life as? That you really can't live without being bonded to her? That it is not just sex for you but a fulfillment of being one flesh with her? Have you made her understand just what sex means to you? Cause she may be thinking, hey a hand j*b will do the same trick for him, why doesn't he satisfy himself?

H never said any of this to me, until last week. Never did he try to verbalize just how important it was to him. Mind you... I did not give him much opportunity, but he was very confrontation avoiding.

Maybe you should grow some balls and lay it all out there, after you show her in her LL just how much you LOVE her, then you can show her just how crazy about her you are.

Holding,

Yes I have made it very well known why I would like to make love. I have had the talk and the talk and the other talk. Her LL as far as I can tell are Acts of service and quality time. I have done the acts of service by getting a baby sitter taking her out to dinner being very responsive to conversation. Really being very available to her needs for quality time. I do not badger her every day or even every other day about ML It seems like it on here becuase that is what I vent about. She knows that im hurting but can't seem to find a way to meet me in the middle and tell me what she needs. When I ask those type of questions she says she needs a new car and house and this and that. I can never drill down low enough to get at what she wants or needs besides out side things. I either have not found the correct wording or what ever it is but things seem to be at a stalemate. Right now my thoughts are kind of jumbled more to come.

Lee

I'm really sorry, Lee. I know how difficult this is for you... after all, it is one of the things that my H was very upset about. Unfortunately, I did not listen to him. I don't have any more thoughts about how to impress it upon your wife. What does Michelle say in SSM?

I have been thinking a lot about what I have been doing. I have been doing a lot of what everyone else here who is HD. After getting so frustrated with what has been going on in my sex life with my wife. I would have the talk to end all talks let her know what I thought should happen then go on to try and be the best husband I can be. Then after no actions for a week or two I would get angry. Then we would finally ML after a month with out then I would be complacent<sp> for a while then the whole cycle would go over again and again. I think it is time to keep my wants and needs to the for front of my marriage. I really have not kept that up before.

I find my self thinking that it would be just easier to just end it and start over with my life. But I know that I need to exhaust every avenue before actually following through on that.

Lee

Lee,

Fantastic thinking.

So I tried multiple times to talk to my W about our love life and every time the Sex word came out of my mouth she said I will not argue with you about this. So I was just shut down. At this point I do not really see much other recourse but to tell her Im ready to leave. To tell you all the truth Im am ready to leave. I no longer enjoy being around her at all.

The things I have been doing lately is calling her on her critism<sp>. Asking her why she feels the need to be this way. Why it makes her feel powerful to do this. I have also asked her very nicely to stop it.

This weekend really sucked.

Lee

Sorry you've had a rough time, Lee. I don't blame you for feeling hopeless, as I've been there before, too. What can you possibly do when they refuse to talk to you? If you are truly ready to separate over this, go ahead. Just make sure you are willing to follow through, and that you are not suggesting it as a manipulation of her.

Also, you may want to get all your legal and financial ducks in a row before you walk out...or before you send her packing.

Sad for you, but sending messages of strength, too.

Hairdog

Lee,

Only you know when you have had enough. When your spouse refuses to even attempt to cooperate with you and honor their marriage vows, you have to consider options even if you would rather not. I agree with HD, get your ducks in a row first. I know that you have been struggling with these issues for years.

It is a very difficult decision that I did not want to make, but I was not given a choice either. My H would rather end the marriage, such as it was, rather than work on improving things between us. You are in the same boat as I have been in for years. They (LDS) don't understand that it's not just the sex, but all of the intimacy that is lacking between you.

Take care of yourself.

JoJo