Evolving awareness, a calmer frame of mind, I feel like taking the next few days to be a little more meditative. It should be a fun part of this incredible journey
I also have to rethink my DB skills. Have to start all over again since my sithc is back to square one.
I know what you mean when you said you have to create more mystery. NG may be too comfortable in this position with you that he is losing 'your importance' here. Maybe time to give him back that feeling that you are important too.
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Hi Sage - Your point has hit home, I'm really going to have to focus on processing this. Quote: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
how does NG make the commitment to himself to view himself as "faithful" or "monogamous" or "committed" and choose not to belie that. The added complexity here, though, is that of wanting to view oneself as "caring" or "not hurtful" and because of the OP there is no way to avoid hurting someone, no? So, I sometimes think that's the rub...in order to view themselves as non-hurtful, well, how do you achieve that when someone is gonna be hurt no matter what?
I'll need to spend some time figuring out, hopefully with his participation, how he sees himself. It may be the key to this whole puzzle.
Need to figure out best approach, Slowly
This may sound absurd but since you can't control how he views himself, what if you adopted the mindset of viewing him as capable of fidelity, compassionate, etc.
What if you embraced that thought?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Sage, Your suggestion does not sound absurd at all, in fact I think that is exactly the tactic OW has been using to keep him in the frame of 'I do not want to hurt her".
I now know there is much more work to be done on ME, and that this is a tunnel with cheese worth spending my time and energy on
Here is my respon se to Betsey's 'trick' question on why I felt I needed mystery - quite an eye opener for me
Quote: Hi Betsey - Now you have made me think again, and these brain cells are just not liking all the hard work Quote: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
why is it necessary for more mystery? Is NG not responding to your changes? Or will it help you move past what is ailing you?
In most ways, NG has been awesome in his changes as a result of my changes; there is no question our R is much better that it ever was. However, he genuinely does not seem to see why his continued contact with OW is painful for me. Or perhaps more to the point, why he should maybe cease contact with OW, as he promised back in mid-March.
My reasoning is that he feels extremely confident that there is now no possibility of me risking our relationship, and that he will just continue to push the limits on what he can 'get away with'. This is of course MY reasoning.
And yes, personally, I do feel that in my best dbing efforts to create a safe environment for him, I seem to have somewhat misplaced my independence. Perhaps I could rephrase 'mystery' to 'having some personal time' - I do need some time to myself, which is a need that has been taking a back seat for the past 6 months
Do I think it will get me past what's ailing me? Aha, trick question. I've just fallen into the pattern of needing to DO SOMETHING. Oh dear. More lessons here.
Quote: However, he genuinely does not seem to see why his continued contact with OW is painful for me. Or perhaps more to he point, why he should maybe cease contact with OW, as he promised back in mid-March.
Slowly, what I'm getting out of this, is that the situation is still all about him. He is still getting some head patting from her.
Quote: My reasoning is that he feels extremely confident that there is now no possibility of me risking the relationship, and he will just continue to push the limits on what he can "get away with".
Are you married to my H?
I think you are in a much better place with NG than I am with H. Can you openly address this with NG?
In a previous post, you made a comment about talking with NG about how he sees himself. Sounds like that would be a good place to start.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Sorry to see you in such a situation just when you thought you could take a little rest.
My new post name is stillbelieve thought it was more appropriate for how I feel. I have also started posting in midlife crisis. It has given me wonderful in site.
Believe in your self and all the wonderful advice you have been giving me and you will soon be a sucess story i am sure Take care Believe
Slowly