H says hes so sorry for calling OW, knows it was wrong but wanted to find out about the company picnic. Company picnic was Saturday and I know it was really bothersome to H that he wasnt going. Earlier in our reconciliation it was a point of argument as I told him that unless I went with him I would have a problem if he went without me. He didnt want me to go because it is too soon since ending it with OW and it would be uncomfortable. I agree with that but there is no way he was going with out me. Anyway I know that his not being there was a problem for him so I am not surprised at all he called OW. Monday morning H emails me and says he is sorry for the pain he has caused me but as a result of our setback he realizes that any little hiccup I am never going to forgive him. He says I love you so much and I probably will regret this for the rest of my life but I think it is best I leave. I replied that I agree but went on to say I didnt think it was fair he thinks calling the OW is a hiccup. The bottom line is since he moved back home he has broken promises to me more than once about contacting OW and I dont know if he can keep any future promises. The only way I can know is to continue to check up on him and I am so tired of doing that. I went on to tell him that I love him but my heart is too broken. He emails me back saying he loves me so much he doesnt know if he can do this (leave) and he cant stop crying. He also said he agreed it wasnt a hiccup it was a mistake and he is sorry. My last email to him was that it is difficult for me too. How come we both love each other, want the same thing but cant get there. Why is this happening. After that we saw each other at home for lunch and last night was a quiet night. We slept in same bed together and he ML to me last night and I initiated this am. No more discussion on his leaving or no more R talk. Its like we have decided to continue to continue to try but havnt said it out loud. Quite frankly I am so sick of talking about it. The book I am reading "NOT JUST FRIENDS" which by the way is an excellant booking regarding Infidelity. Anyway this book says if you decide to make a go of the marriage you should give it at least 3 months before making any decisions. SO I am thinking that 3 months began when H came back home July 1st. I am going to stop checking his phone etc etc. unless I see some real evidence of infidelity. Now it appears its just phone calls as he has been with me all the time except for Work. I have zero control of what happens in his office. But the bottom line is he did move back home, he did go on a two week vacation and OW knows that. I just wish he could get her out of his system completely. I also wish I didnt feel like I am the one that always gives in. I do think he is truly sorry for what he did and I do beleive he loves me very much and wants to make it work. I dont beleive he can keep the promise of not contacting her outside of the office so I am not going to ask for that right now. How does that approach sound to anyone? Am I being a fool?
Sorry I haven't checked in for a while. You're no fool. I think you're on the right track.
Not talking about the problem isn't necessarily a bad thing. Your H clearly wants to stay, he's just mucking things up trying to please everyone. It's good that he apologizes when he does, but don't pressure him too much.
I would keep encouraging the friendship you have, without a lot of problem discussion. Keep building the good will between the two of you by being upbeat and acting as if you're expecting things to work out beautifully. The OW is beneath you're notice, it's his problem to deal with as he's promised you. You take the high road and let her do the whining. It sounds as if H already finds you the more attractive person to be with - push that angle to the max.
H knows exactly how you feel about OW, that you love him, and that you want it to work out. Leave the heavy discussions for now and treat him like you did when you were first together. You're not giving in - you're doing exactly what you want to do - showing your H you want him and want to save your M. He will start to reciprocate.
You're absolutely right about no more checking on H and trying to control his actions. Even though it hurts, you just have to act as if you're happy no matter what you think he may be doing. Don't forget too, that a lot of our assumptions turn out to be wrong.
One thing I did when my H seemed to be down or conflicted was to leave the room, always in a very friendly manner. But it was too much for me to be in the same room when he was like that, and it wasn't good for our interaction.
Hang in there. You have a lot of positives going for you.
In4Ride Thanks so much for your encouragement. My plan is to keep on course without any heavy R talks etc. We are busy with kids going back to school, sons ice hockey leaques and things around the house so its a great time to spend together be busy and live as if things are going to work out. I havent checked H phone in three days and that is a huge accomplishment for me. Again I keep reminding myself he is home with me and we also ML every day so that has got to stick with him!!!! Just wish so badly he didnt have to go to work everyday and see OW. But it is what it is for now and if I can handle it I will become that much more of a stronger person. Thanks again for you encouragement. KMFLA
Thanks for visiting my post. I just read a couple of yours and wow, does it help me out lots. I am having a hard time with him telling me all the time that he doesnt love me anymore, but will try to make things work so I know I was given that chance...a little bit of guilt maybe? HOw do you do it though....I guess just keep DBing, right?? Thats how I got this far..it will take us further right?
KMFLA, remember me? You were an early poster for me way back when. I'm also sorry for the ups and downs, but oh boy is that a help for me. My H is currently in major withdrawal from OW and it is awful! But good that he's there! But awful!
Thanks for the post guys... My situation is proof that even once H comes homes things are not easier. In fact, I think some things are more difficult. Now that we are together and I am not focused on getting him to rethink our M and life together, I spend more time obsessing over OW and his R with her. I have to stop doing it I know but it is so hard. He continues to work with her which makes it very difficult. Not much we can do about it at this point. He wants to find another job on one hand and on the other he has come so far in his career he hates to give it up. I cant blame him for that. I have no idea what goes on with him and OW at work as far as converstaions, emails etc. I dont think I ever will because H will never talk about it unless the situation was to becomes a problem for him that he cant hide. This weekend was a turbulent one for us. H caught me checking his phone. I know bad bad bad. I know he is not seeing her outside of the office but I do think he continues to talk with her sometimes. No proof just a gut reaction. She cant be calling too much because his phone never rings when he is with me and he is around all the time. I need to stop checking and keep remembering that he is home with me. Anyway H got really upset when he caught me and said he cant beleive how much I dont trust him. Well that lead to a heated argument and not talking all day Sunday. Sunday night I lost it and accused him of not having patience with me and went down the whole road of how I waited 8 months for you while you were out screwing around and I stuck by him and he cant even stick by me for a few weeks etc etc. Ugly scene. Monday morning he emailed me and said I was wrong. I sent him a letter that was a nicer tone and flat out told him I dont trust him and why should I when for months he lied and lied to me. FYI- during the 8 months he moved out and was involved with OW he kept telling me he wanted to work on marriage but wasnt ready to come home. Anyway the email correspondence continued for the better part of the day and he thinks my reassurance is that he is home and that is where he wants to be and thats all the reassurance I need. Although he didnt say it yesterday he really beleives as long as he is home and committed to the M then phone calls either to or from OW are ok. We will never agree on this . Finally last night he said something to me that I hate to admit makes sense. He said "You keep telling me that it has only been 2 months that I have been home and I need to give you more time to establish trust in me, well remember its only been 2 months for me too". Now I interpret that as its only been 2 months for him to get over feelings for OW. Would you interpet it that way? Hard to swallow but I think thats it. So I need to back off some I quess. Sometimes I wish he just went out and had only PA. The problem here is that this relationship was mainly an emotional affair. I know because the last three months of H living apart he was with me the majority of nights and weekend. So any pyshical contact was limited. In fact towards the end H was looking to have one of our boys stay with him at apartment almost every night. H was alway volunteering to pick S up from work at 10 or 11 PM. So thinking back he was trying to break from PA with OW. Sorry for the long post but its been a lousy couple of days. Last night H came home late and we were somewhat back on track. I m not sure we settled anything and not sure there is anything to settle. I think H knows I need more reassurance and now I need to back off on checking phone and obsessing about phone calls with OW. If affair was to start back up again I would know dont you think? H came to bed and hugged me and said " I really do love you". In the middle of the night we ML. This morning I got up and went about my business. I was not cold or distant but more matter of factly. This works better for H when he thinks I might be having second thoughts about M. I am going to try and live as if things are going to be ok. I did ask H to start reading the book by Shirly Glass- Not just friends in particular the chapter about healing together. I told him it was good reading not only for him to understand what I am going through but also what he is going through. I did validate that his feelings are real and matter as well. So guys keep plugging away. they dont get over OW very quickly especially if its more emotional than pyshical. My situation is going to take longer because they see each other everyday. I just need to keep reminding myself that he comes home to me every night and OW has no part of that.
KMFLA, I'm so sorry for the difficulties. I'm not nearly as far along as you in this, but am facing similar issues. They erupted in particular last Friday night--you can check it out on my thread:
I am finding that self-respect and self-preservation are important, while also generating as much understanding as I can for how lousy H feels right now. Like you, I am struggling with his feeling about how real and precious his R with OW has been. Ugh for me, but real for him.
GBO- Thanks for the post. Glad my journey helps others. Let me know how MC was today. H and I were in weekly MC up until we came back from vacation and never started up again. I am going to raise the subject tonight if timing is good. My biggest hang up right now is continued contact with OW. At work for sure of course and possibly outside of work although at this point I have no proof. I am thinking my hang up on this issue is because everything I read about rebuilding life after an affair clearly states that ALL communication with affair parnter must end. Its just not going to happen in my situation, at least not in the immediated future. Do you think I am thinking too much about this issue. Tell me I am regardless of what the books say. I need to just forget about that one issue especially if I dont have proof of his contacting her and put the issue to bed. Agreed?? Okay that is what I am going to do as of this post. Wish me luck....
Even though you and I are both in a rotten season of our life right now, I am so thankful to see someone that is going through almost the exact same thing and has the exact same feelings that I am having. It helps to validate that I am normal and my fears are normal in this situation.
My H's OW is still his business manager. They have not seen each other since Monday April 5, 2004 when my H broke up with her. They had an EA/PA. However, she is supposed to be in contact with him in regards to the business ONLY. Recently she has started to break the boundaries that were established upon H's and my reconciliation by sending my H innocuous email forwards. Harmless? Probably. At least I want to hope so, but still, she has crossed boundaries, in my opinion.
After the latest one she sent last week, H and I had a discussion. While the discussion would be considered a backslide on my part, my eyes were opened to several things. One, my H still is defending his actions regarding his affair and continues to blame me for it. I, unfortunately, did not validate his feelings about this during our discussion and he became enraged. Not pretty. Two, my H did allow me to see that I was still spending WAY TOO MUCH time obsessing about him and OW still, and I agreed.
My H has done much to make himself accountable to me during our reconciliation and I was over looking that. I have access to his work email to check at my leisure. I have full control of the bank accounts, credit cards, and other bills including his cell phone so that I can question all spending by him. During our discussion he repeatedly asked me what else he could do to prove he wanted to be here with me. I was unable to answer him. (However if anyone can think of anything, I'd like to know!:) )
You and I both have our H's at home, but we both still have these darned OW in our lives. I am thankful that I can commiserate with you because obsessing on my own and making my H continue to feel guilty was not healthy for me or him.
I have read Shirley Glass's book. And I and my counselor agree that ALL communication should cease between the offending parties. Many other authors support this idea also. My H allowed his OW to remain as his business manager because he is afraid of her. She is a vindictive, vengeful woman, or so he says. He told me that she hates me with such a passion due to the lies and general crap her told her during their affair that if she knew he broke up with her to reconcile with me, she would retaliate in an ugly way. He told her he was breaking up with her because he felt it would never work between the two of them anyway whether I was back in the picture or not. She accepted that reasoning for about a month, then got word that he and I were back together. One of her friends called my H to give him a heads up that OW was headed to town to see him, me and our counselor and that she was crazy with hurt and anger. So he got online with her and they had a flame war over IM. She threatened him pretty heavily that she would ruin him financially, ruin him at work, smear his name in our town, and a whole host of other things. He told me during our discussion that all this will come about if she is incited for any reason, and if she wants to send him friendly little email forwards, he is going to let her if it keeps her happy and off our backs. UGH!
So, I can identify with you completely and totally. Just know that you are not alone in this mess. I am right there with you sister.
God Bless, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
MC was extremely difficult but a good thing, I think. The issue for H is major depression. The issue for me is to take better care of both of us. I need to stop expressing blame (even in the most gentle, implied form) and simultaneously make it clear I won't be mistreated. That's my plan!
As for you and H and OW, yeah, that sounds really hard. Of course you feel traumatized by the whole thing and by continued contact. On the other hand, it may take awhile to warm things up to the point that H recognizes that and wants to make changes. I see my current mode (as the Giver to his Taker) as temporary. Ultimately it would have to be more mutual--though we can always be the one to start doing good. Right now, he can't handle the guilt, especially in the context of a major depression.
