I have posted a few times but mainly have been reading. H left 6 months ago after our marriage became somewhat complacent. From the day he moved out he remained very much a part of my life and our two boys age 10 and 16. I was of the belief he was having an EA and PA with a girl from work. He claimed they were just friends. After two months of him saying he wanted to work on marriage and wanted to come home but not making the move, he finally admitted the PA on May 30th. Said he broke it off on June 1, which he did to some extent but didnt make the clean break. After a last resort on my part two weeks ago, we agreed to go our seperate ways. He kept calling me and telling me it all "comes back to me". So the bottom line is he loves me and wants to rebuild the marriage but still has feeling for this OW. He even said to me this weekend that he couldnt see himself with her and her family( she is divorced with two kids he says he doesnt even like). He said if he left me for her he knows that once its out in the open she will start pressuring him to do more things with her and the kids. He even said that in three months or less it will probably be over and he will be left with no one. She is having difficulty dealing with break up emotionally and they work together in a very small office. He told her he was coming home to me, we went to MC yesterday (one we had been seeing for severalmonths before he admitted PA). We decided we want to make it work and he needed to come home to be able to do that. So he came home last night and I wasnt expecting it to be an overwhelming happy day as I know he is still struggling with emotions. But his committment to coming home is huge because he knows there is a lot on the line if he doesnt give it his all. The kids will be devestated if he moves back out again. I am trying to be patient about his feelings for her. He wants to find a new job. And he wants to take a two week vacation the end of July. All positive moves on his part.
So anyone have any advise about being patient. I want so bad to keep asking him if everything is ok but I know that would be pressuring him. The fact he is home and in my bed every night is huge and I need to keep focusing on that. I am thinking that if I keep being positive, strong and give him some emotional space then perhaps the fact the OW is needy and crying etc at work every day will begin to wear on him and he will see her in a different light. Any comments are welcome.
You're absolutely right that the biggest thing you need right now is patience. I know a little bit about patience as I'm in my 7th month of an in-house separation. So, in my view it's a big positive that you'll be sharing a house AND bed .
My advice is to keep going about your business almost as if you have been while he's gone - I mean don't immediately change how and when you do everything. You don't want him to feel any pressure to perform as a perfect, loving husband immediately. But, be sure to always be positive and inclusive, but not show any dissatisfaction if he has 'other plans'. Always act as if you believe everything is going to work out, but also no pushing to make things happen.
Remember to keep 'having a life' instead of becoming wrapped up in H's issues. I don't know much about OW issues, but from what I've read, I think that you have to accept from the start that he won't be able to let go completely all at once. They'll probably still be lots of guilt and conflict going on in his brain. I imagine this will be the toughest part so I would prepare yoursef to face OW stuff (and show not too much anger/upset). You've got a perfect right to be upset and angry but I think you may have to wait a while before letting too much of it out.
It's a great sign that he wants to get a new job, and a great chance for you to validate his skills and abilities.
I think you're thinking correctly - you be the classy one and let the OW beg, cry, and plead (and push him further away).
Thanks In4Ride I am going to just what you said. Beleive it or not I am not really angry about itas H has been honest about feelings for OW before moving home. That was one of the reasons he kept saying he wanted to move home but was afraid to. He also told me he knows he cant act on the feelings. So while I know it might happen and would be liying if I said that I am not fearful of it , I dont think he will sneak around to see her etc. He may return phone calls or emails but I am sure its hard for him to ignore her at this point. So hopefully she will continue to cry and be needy and put pressure on him because at this point I think that will push him away. Lets just hope so.
I dont know the answer to that Slowly. Tonight its like he is a million miles away and hes right here in the family room. Just trying to go about business as usual. I took a bath and cried quietly so he didnt see me. He works with OW and I suspect she is emotional all day long so when he comes home it is hard for him to forget. Son plays hockey and we went to game tonight. He just has such a distraught look on his face. I know its only been two days but I am struggling Please help
Yes, that is a great thread and so many things are similar to my sit. In spite of the fact H seems distant we still had a night of ML two times and he likes to hold me. So I hope with that happening on a regular basis (maybe everynite)then his feelings or thoughts of OW will slowly fade. Today I have a better attitude and I am going to go about my own routine and give him space. I will let him call me during the day and hopefully tonight at home will be less tense. Wish me luck
Hi KMFLA, remember me? You posted to my thread when I was a total newbie (and thank you for that).
So, congratulations! That's a huge step! I'll let these piecing veterans dole out the good advice about the setbacks and....you know....feelings about H returning. But I'm very happy for the change in your situation.
Thanks for the thoughts This is soooooooo hard though. H moved back home because he and I want to work out this marriage. He has ended it with the OW but was honest that he still has feelings for her. Working with her makes that even more difficult. I am in this with my eyes wide open but it still hurts knowing he has deep feelings for someone else. I read into everything and I know I shouldnt. He came home from the office yesterday and seemed down. We had no kids last night so I suggested that we get on the bike and head to the beach for a ride. His reaction was "I dont know if I want to do that, I'm tired" Well we have never passed up an opportunity to go for a ride when the kids arent around. So I got a little testy in the way I do and said "never mind I will go to the store and get something for dinner" He came around a few minutes later and said "lets go". So while we were getting ready I asked him "Do you want to be here or do you think you made a mistake coming home"... I know I know wrong move hit me over the head with that 2 X 4..... He said "I want to work it out.., but its hard and I am scared" So we got a little emotional, talked a little and then both of us bounced back. We went for that ride and it was nice. Came home and watched a little TV. I waited up for S16 to come home from work. When I went to bed H was still awake and we had a wonderful time ML. This moring he got up and was getting ready and when I woke up, he looked at me and said "Hi Mom" which is what he always did. Amazing how some small comment can mean so much. He also took the time to have a cup of coffee with me before going to office. So I keep telling myself to keep up the PMA and stop reading into everything and give him the space that he needs especially after being at work all day. I keep saying it over and over....
The positives are:
H is home with me
H still wants to take vacation at the end of month
H left the office early everyday this week and said this am he wanted to find an excuse to leave early today too. (I see this as he wants to get away from OW and the emotions that go with that...)(She is distraught over his moving back home)
H acknowledged me when I woke up this am
ML every night since he has been home.
Lots of postives right. Hope I can stay focused on those. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
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