Quote: For the record, I'm just dangling on my bungee cord here in the atmosphere and loving the euphoric feeling of being weightless.
I can totally relate to this. There are still the residual neural pathways of an almost recovered crazymaker, problem fixer in me that lapses into panic at this 'weightlessness' but for the most part, the new me is winning, and just enjoying the moment
Well, a clean house, a mowed lawn and five loads of laundry later, here I am. Of course, the house isn't really clean anymore, as the kids are busy dropping little chip thingeys on the floor, and stepping on it. Any chance I can borrow that cleaning lady when you don't need her anymore?
I still don't have a fun assignment, but I did write something last night that was inspired by our talks about the CS Lewis book ... my very own "Screwtape Letter".
For those of you unfamiliar with Screwtape, he is a master Fiend, who writes "helpful" messages to his nephew Wormwood about how to steer humans the wrong way in life.
It was prompted by Wonder, who asked something along the lines of "what can the LBS do to ease the transition back home for the WA" .... and I'm going to take advantage of Betsey's kind hospitality and post it here.
I am writing to inform have just received the latest statistics from our devilish Bureau of Encouraging Divorce and Breakups (BoEDB), and am overjoyed to report the numbers are most encouraging. One out of two marriages entered into today is projected to fail – a great tribute to our tireless work and dedication. Yet we need to continue to continuously improve our methods, and it is best not to become too complacent.
I hear you are currently attending a patient whose spouse has left to live with another woman. Most excellently. I myself have successfully navigated such a situation in the past. Unfortunately, some of my colleagues have experienced the catastrophy that their patients reunited, and are now actually working on their marriage. To ensure that this calamity does not occur with your own patient, there are a few obvious pitfalls to be avoided, that I, your ever-loving Uncle, will gladly share with you below.
First of all – discourage your patient to “hang in there”. This may sound trivial, but it may mean the difference between saving the marriage, and handing the OP her spouse on a platter. My own patient luckily made that mistake. She was within inches of success when she confronted him, and forced him to make a “choice”. If she had only waited a little longer, she would at least have had a chance to fight for her marriage, because the OP was in fact getting so annoyed with the man’s indecision and wavering that she was ready to leave herself. Humans are odd - when they feel most that they need to DO SOMETHING NOW, when every nerve ending screams for action, that is the time for them to do nothing. Keep this knowledge from her as much as you possibly can, and focus instead on encouraging her to “listening to her feelings”. That always goes down well with them. If they should discover that their feelings are actually a safe indicator of nothing at all, we should be in great trouble. Luckily, that will never happen.
The second thing is discourage the LBS to “accept responsibility”. Make sure they maintain, from beginning to end, that they’d had a picture book marriage, only disrupted by the WA’s midlife crisis or affair, thus making it all their fault. The advantage is obvious: to the WA, this does not make the idea of coming home very appealing. He or she then invisions a life where the affair will be used against them at any opportunity, that they’ll have to say “mea culpa” day and night, and that the “issues” they had with the marriage will still be there. Remember the WA has a list of “reasons” in their head as to why they needed to leave, rational or not. It is best the LBS focus on the irrational aspect, and not validate their feelings. A LBS who conveys the sentiment “we both make mistakes, and we’ll both work on it” will do much towards relieving the other’s sense of guilt and despair, often a major factor in keeping them apart. That must be avoided at all cost.
Do not, under any circumstances, let the idea of making “positive changes” enter your patient’s mind. If the patient has a bad body image, perhaps even a few excess pounds, whisper into their ears that it is no wonder their spouse left such an unattractive person. Especially women fall for that line every time, no matter how unrealistic it is. Be careful, though, that she doesn’t decide to “do something about it”, and, the Enemy forbid, joins a gym. If your patient shows signs of such undesirable activity, try to convince her “his love for me shouldn’t be based on appearances”, and make her forget she wanted to do it for her own self-confidence and well-being. Physical exercise is the mother of all Evils for our purposes, because it induces a sense of energetic contentment that does not correlate at all with the feeling of worthlessness and depression we want to cultivate. Trust me, the human mind is quite capable of supporting two contradictory statements side by side, which makes our work so much easier.
Encourage her to dwell on her situation as much as possible, and direct her away from people or books that might inspire her to reconnect with old friends, take up new hobbies, interact positively with her children, and make her happiness less dependent on the relationship. Happy people are attractive – always a dangerous thing for us.
One final warning: do not let them “take the high road”. Temper tantrums and screaming matches should be encouraged, as the WA will likely return the favour (you may want to coordinate a fight with the fellow fiend in charge of the WA), and we are another step closer to our ultimate goal. The same goes for name-callings and accusations, which are positively delightful to our ears. The worst possible scenario, the thing most to be avoided is for them to retain a degree of cordiality towards each other, or, the Enemy forbid, even “work on their friendship”. Between two spouses that actually put past differences aside, and concentrate on what drew them together in the first place as friends, any number of dreadful things can happen.
Wishing you the best success in your endeavours, I remain, et cetera, et cetera,
thank you pen for posting this, i have to leave right now but i wanted to thank you before i left, cause after my past weekend, i really really needed this
Hi Pen - I was feeling down, and now I'm smiling - that alone is worth the self made assignment of going through your list as a scorecard
But before that, have all 3 friends deserted their thread? Betsey, I miss you
OK, to the scorecard
First of all – discourage your patient to “hang in there” - I'm going to give myself an 8 out of 10. While in reality I have been hanging in like grim death, every now and then, I do not seem to be able to resist speculating 'what if' I went and did my own thing, which REALLY pisses NG off, and the usual retort has been, well, if you are going to do it, do it NOW
The second thing is discourage the LBS to “accept responsibility”. Here, I think realistically, 5. I am anxious to understand why this has happened, NG insists there was NOTHING wrong, he just saw a softness in OW that he was attracted to, and does not want the same in me ?*%# If anyone can translate this, I'd appreciate it
Do not, under any circumstances, let the idea of making “positive changes” enter your patient’s mind. This, a modest 8 NG tells me I've never looked better. BTW, OW is 10 pounds heavier, 6 inches shorter, has no friends to speak of, and therefore no social life. I sometimes suspect NG is more comfortable with flaws though. Not sure.
Encourage her to dwell on her situation as much as possible. Hmmm, I have to cede this - maybe a 4 - I have been wallowing in this somewhat - OK, OK, I gotta GET A LIFE
One final warning: do not let them “take the high road”. Well, I'm gonna be generous and give myself a 9. NG has mentioned in passing that he did not expect so much dignity - apart from the occassional bout of tears
Pen What a fabulous letter! Boy you make me think.
Quote: when they feel most that they need to DO SOMETHING NOW, when every nerve ending screams for action, that is the time for them to do nothing.
This is something I find sooooo difficult. I'm a very honest person and when something bugs me I need to let it out. So you can guess in my sitch a lot of things bug me. So what I need to learn is some self control.
Quote: LBS to “accept responsibility”.
I have done this but H still says no it is all his fault. I know I didn't help with the breakdown in our marriage some of the fights we had still haunt me. How do I get H to realise that I want and need to take responsibility for things too.
Quote: One final warning: do not let them “take the high road”.
Oh at the minute I want to have the biggest fight with H due to his lies about his vacation. It is going to take so much self control to rise above it. Maybe I'll write down what I'm going to say when he calls again.
Thank you Pen for making me think. Lots of journaling this weekend.
God bless
Always questioning???
Not always sad!!!
Joanne
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning. Albert Einstein
Glad you found it helpful, Kewlkitti, Slowly and SadBurl! You wouldn’t perhaps stem from my side of the world? You see, the feedback via my little piece has been a bit – mixed. Last night, I showed my efforts to C., my dear neighbour and friend here in Florida, who has become something of a surrogate mother, and who’s incidentally a successful DBer in her own right – her husband left her in the 80s, only to return after a few months. C. read it, shook her head, and said: “you have the facts straight, girl, but you have got to start thinking like an American. We take religion seriously here, and don’t write essays about the Devil just for the effect. The people on that webpage will find this offensive.”
I tried to defend myself feebly and pointed to CS Lewis, but C. was adamant that that sort of thing was just not done, that CS Lewis was British, and the US was quite another matter, and that she’d lived here all her life and knew better. That is hard to dispute.
So here I am, thoroughly chastened, to offer my apology if I’ve really stepped on any toes. I meant no disrespect towards anyone’s religion, nor suggest that I have any insight into either the celestial or the fiendish, other than what is in every human heart.
I won’t have much time to be here in the next few days, since we have the children, and I’ll use it to think some things through. Have a good week(end), everyone.
Sometimes I swear that Uncle Screwtape penetrates my own thinking as well. I think that it hit a nerve for all of us... and though those of us who hang out here have attacked this subject with verve, it never hurts to see a fresh and concise slant on what really ails us.
Damn, Pen, why the heck did you lurk for so long?
Slowly, what a nice thought from you too! I'm afraid it's just going to be Phoebe here with all of the other friends for awhile. My erstwhile companions are otherwise engaged and you guys are stuck with me...
Getting back to the letter... the last paragraph brings to mind a convo I had with Mr. Wonderful back in April/May. I was in my car waiting for the girls to finish with religious ed class while we conversed. He thanked me for being patient with him and for being kindhearted and generous. I'm glad I acted in that fashion for myself, but I also wonder if it really is going to make a difference when push comes to shove?
His cainercast today is rather interesting:
Are you big or are you small? Are you important or are you insignificant? Do you have a right to your own opinion, or ought you to accept that others know better? These are the questions which keep passing through your mind yet, for once, you don't feel inclined to take them too seriously. You are sure of something. That worries you. What if you are wrong to feel so sure? Listen carefully please. You are not wrong. Nor are you being arrogant. You are doing what is essential and right and wise. Stick with what you have started now. Your journey won't be easy but it will be well worthwhile.
Hmmmmmmm.
I'm not even sure what he's thinking while I've been busy detaching. I've noticed some distance in our conversations this week as well. Today when I called to ask him something, he was not enthused to hear my voice. Instead of assuming it was about me, I asked him if everything was okay?
He immediately launched into a very unpleasant conversation he had with a person in higher authority last night--someone who called him at home (while the girls were with him) to remind him to check his e-mail when he got to work for some big, important news that was forcing a big, yucky meeting later today.
He commented how he was sick to death of working in an environment full of people who constantly lived in crisis management mode and who were merely reactionary.
I could only comment, "I think your industry is the model for that sort of behavior. I hope you manage to get through it okay, and I'll keep my fingers crossed that it isn't bad for longer than today."
He said thanks... he still seems agitated, but then again, I'm not playing the role of soother much now anyway. My instincts tell me he's feeling edgy and maybe even a little angry, and may even feel those things about me. Though I also think if I leave him be, he will figure out that this is about him.
Which brings me to my cainercast:
Why not turn up the pressure? You can take the temperature a degree or two hotter can't you? You surely aren't at breaking point yet are you? Pluto and Mars are effectively turning you into an elastic band, stretched between two hooks. The sharp angle between these two planets is twisting that piece of elastic ever tighter. The fear is that something may snap. But think of a guitar or a piano. The most beautiful music emerges only when the strings are under tremendous tension. There's something perfect and practical about what's happening now. Stop worrying. Relax.
I'm gonna do that now.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
NG tells me I've never looked better. BTW, OW is 10 pounds heavier, 6 inches shorter, has no friends to speak of, and therefore no social life. I sometimes suspect NG is more comfortable with flaws though. Not sure.
