I keep thinking that she's going to crack at some point and realize that her problems belong to her.
The X thing is interesting. Especially because of her opinion of the other kids and their potential influence on your D.
It's interesting how you said "I don't WANT to move" instead of a pro-con discussion which would lead to thorny interpretations of what really is a pro and what is really a con - cloud of confusion and a waste of time to even go that far. It should be simple in that you state that you don't want to move but then make it clear that your "willingness to move" is a gift OR that you are simply going to stay in the house for a couple more years. This is the other half of differentiation where you make it clear that your concessions are actually gifts because you love and or respect your spouse. At the same time, don't undifferentiate to her lower level by allowing yourself to be infected by her insanity. She seems really compulsive. You should use this situation to push her into her crucible on this. Don't just tell her she's compulsive...stick to your guns, and she'll feel it. She needs you as an anchor because she's nuts. I know this because I'm nuts and my W is my anchor.
I pulled this kind of thing on my W about 6 years ago after our D6 birth. I compulsively put an offer on a slightly bigger house because I was feeling really cramped by the house we were in after the birth of our D6. I even told my W that our M wouldn't survive in our current little house. Wife stayed firm in her convictions that she didn't want to buy another house; especially so impulsively. I chilled out and accepted a job in Atlanta which was a city she fell in love with when visiting a friend and then I was able to get a bigger house. Problem solved. The moral of the story is that you should do what my W did and hold firm and don't accept such a compulsive decision on your W's part. Don't worry about her comment about feeling "trapped"...that's her problem and she telling you this to shut you up. Your HOM is a higher differentiation stance than hers and her response is to literally try to beat you down.
Keep up the good work hairdog. Sounds like you will be getting lots more practice holding onto yourself. She seems like a tough nut to crack.
Chris,
Quote:
With all the talk about letting the LD spouse know/not know about these message boards, I'd think that giving SSM to the spouse would be "the best way" to subtly get them to come here on their own.
Unless your LD spouse is motivated to work on their LD issues and are truly struggling, it will be fruitless to ask them to read SSM and/or visit this site. Don't get me wrong, you SHOULD ask them to read SSM because your W might be the 1 in 10,000 who have the light-bulb go off (like eyesopened) and decide to work with you. But don't be surprised if they read a couple chapters and leave in their drawer for a month or don't read it at all. I'm not trying to be pessimistic. Of all the people on this board, I've had tremendous success but it started when I stopped asking my W for help and started changing myself (not in obvious ways either). Please stay on board and get your own thread going (so we don't hijack hairdog's). You are in a phase that we have all been in.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
hd wrote: --------- Plus, she said, I don't "hear" her. ---------
So, does she have a point? Do you hear her? What does she mean by that statement? Are you missing meeting a need that she is being clear about to you?
If you want her engaged in your battle against sexual complacency in your relationship, then you have to find a point to meet her. If you show her that you can take her seriously, then you are in a better position for her to take your needs as serious.
I think she heard what you said. I think she knows that there are issues in the relationship.
I ignored my wife's needs in a particular area of our relationship for many years. She was not holding out on me for punishment, but the unmet need was a very real factor in her ability to respond to me sexually. I agreed to address my shortcomings in the relationship, AFTER she had already agreed to address hers. It is true that she was very aware of my feelings on the matter, she she decided to answer the 'ultimatum' as it were.
What is killer is that it was really such a small thing for me to fix, but it meant a lot to her. She had given up on getting her needs met.
If your wife is expressing a legitimate need that is going unmet by you, then maybe you have to be the first with a peace offering. There is no way for us to know, you will have to determine if it is legitimate or not.
My relationship was in trouble and close to ending. My wife made the only choice left to her in an effort to save the marriage. I am certain that was very hard for her. Through a lot of grief and tears, we have worked out our differences and gotten back on track. We are now making love an average of 13 out of 14 days. It is really hard to have major issues and keep that up. The issues tend to show themselves very quickly :-)
So, don't overlook what may very well have been the key to a real connection with your wife. Address it, but make sure that you stand your ground on your needs. They are no less important.
Hang in there guy, I detect changes on the horizon! -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: I ignored my wife's needs in a particular area of our relationship for many years. She was not holding out on me for punishment, but the unmet need was a very real factor in her ability to respond to me sexually.
I think that's what the C was getting at in her suggestion about finding out what my W wanted me to change. I haven't yet found the need to offer it as a business proposition like she suggested, but I have been feeling W out and trying to find out what she would like me to change. I finally got a couple of things out of her this weekend, so I have my homework cut out for me.
wildebube said: --------------- I think that's what the C was getting at in her suggestion about finding out what my W wanted me to change. I haven't yet found the need to offer it as a business proposition like she suggested, but I have been feeling W out and trying to find out what she would like me to change. I finally got a couple of things out of her this weekend, so I have my homework cut out for me. ---------------
Outstanding!
The thing is, even if it doesn't improve your sex life, you have improved the life of someone you love. A loving gift that directly addresses someone else's need is a very good thing to give. It doesn't need to be a 'trade'.
My wife's willingness to finally (that Is how I saw it) address my needs resulted in me eventually realizing that she was not the only neglectful being in the relationship :-) IT takes two to tango - in more ways than one.
Hang in there. It is a tough road to travel, but there are prizes at the end that make it all worthwhile.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
