Quote: ...do you think it's possible she's uncomfortable with the fact that you do live so close to your ex? It really is a point worth looking at.
I'll add my vote to that... amazing I had never even thought of it! What a fabulous insight, though! It would certainly explain a lot. But I would also agree it shouldn't be a reason to move... it would be a crucible issue for your W, no doubt of that, but something SHE would have to deal with, and you would want to help her with that to the best of your ability, but still it is HER issue...
Absolutely...if that is an issue for her, she's going to have to face it. Especially since the children will remain a part of your life for a long time...which means so will your X.
My wife is very similar, men are too sex crazed. But for most of us, when we get married, we BOTH have HD, then the wife changes to LD, and then blames the guy. Huh?
Quote: Thanks for the recommendations, Scott. I'll definitely take a look at the books. Of course, remember that she read SSM and used it to tell me how I was doing everything wrong.
Egad, do you realize what's in the SSM book?? Michele mentions all of the "free help" that's available at divorcebusting.com on the message boards!
With all the talk about letting the LD spouse know/not know about these message boards, I'd think that giving SSM to the spouse would be "the best way" to subtly get them to come here on their own. If they choose to c'mon over, it turns out to be "their idea" and not another of the HD spouse's "bright ideas."
Thanks for all the thoughts/posts my friends. Yes, she is threatened by my ex, but moreso because my ex is a raving lunatic at times. I don't think my W thinks I have a "thing" for my ex. But it is food for thought.
We had a knock-down/drag-out fight on Friday morning, and basically, she's mad at me because, instead of discussing the pros and cons of moving, I basically just said, "I don't want to move." That kind of was an ultimate veto and, admittedly, pretty selfish. She hadn't decided that she wanted to move yet, and just wanted to discuss it. Plus, she said, I don't "hear" her. She has wanted the rustic life for a long time, and really doesn't like the "burbs."
As it worked out, the talk/fight eventually got around to the subject of sex, and I compared the new house to my view of sex: something that your REALLY want, just out of reach, and your spouse holds the "key," but refuses to give it to you. She rolled her eyes, and of course, minimized this. And that was about the time I stopped "holding onto myself" and really let her have it. I became very loud and very emotional and told her that she had to stop minimizing this "need" of mine. I also told her my expectations...ML once a week, initiation by her about half the time, etc. I don't think she even heard me. She said she sometimes felt "trapped" in this marriage, and I told her I did too.
As often happens during our arguments, we slipped into "talking past each other." But I think the major points are there. I have to "hear" her, and discuss things with her. She needs to be more receptive to me and to ML.
But, predictably, she was distant, quiet, and not even willing to let me rest my hand on a knee or a shoulder this weekend. We were listening to an audio book in the car, but after it was over, the last three hours of the car ride was very quiet.
Verdict: I don't feel any further along than I was before this issue, and it's frustrating to me.
HD, From my end, it looks as if you and your W communicate quite well until it gets to the "resolution" point. Then it all breaks down.
There was lots of talk about what you both wanted but none about what you were both willing to GIVE.
What if you were to ask her, "What are you willing to give, in terms of a sex life?" Would phrasing it in "willing or unwilling" words have an impact on her? It did with my H..prior to that, I don't think he saw it as something that he was either willing or unwilling to do..he just sorta went with whatever and gave it no thought. However, knowing your W she may turn it into some bullsh*t pseudo-feminist rant about how women have been giving to men for centuries, huh!
Good luck, HD, and wasn't the weather wild this past weekend!
I'd have to agree that it was not a great weekend for many of us.
I don't know if the "what are you willing to give in terms of a sex life" question would work. I have certainly made statements to her that she has evidently made a "choice" not to ML to me, and it doesn't seem to phase her.
She's on her way to Columbia right now, for a colleague's funeral. I'll probably have to "hear" about her wonderful life that she left for me.
Honeypot - the weather was really mild...I was up in Northern Illinois, and it was too cold to swim, which is a first for me on July 4th.
Hairdog - just hanging on the boards this a.m., getting zip work done.
