I was thinking that it might help if HP, GELass, Annette, et al started a post explaining what their talk with a LDW would include. I know that, as a man, it would help me understand a W's POV (it might be hard for a H to tell his W to read the HDW's posts here) and it could be helpful for the LDWs who lurk, too. (I don't recall any LDM here...?)
Something like "How to become a H(er)DW", or "What Every LDW Should Know"?
The first thing I'd tell a LDW is that she needs to try (and I mean really try...not make a feeble attempt with a bad attitude) to see things from her H's perspective. She needs to try to think of something that is so important to her, then imagine not having it (she can see it, she can smell it, and almost touch it...but she can't have it)...then add to it the fact that her partner has the ability to give her what it is she's missing but can't or won't for some reason. I know it sounds all too simple, but it's true...at least from this Green Eyed perspective...I'll continue more on a new thread :-)
Quote: For example, in research menopause, I learned that unless women fantasize erotically at least three times a week, their levels of testosterone drop to near zero. So it becomes a mind thing, to get your body to produce any sex hormones at all
As a HDW who feels that the majority of her sex drive is fantasy driven, I find this very interesting.It kind of relates to something that happened to me the other day. My previously LDH and I have been having a lot of phone sex lately since he is away on business. After an awkward first attempt, I've really gotten into the phone sex. My H telling me his fantasies or even just responding to mine verbally is a huge turn on for me. It's also been a great learning experience since I've been able to get more specific input from my H about what exactly gets him going. I was actually quite surprised by some of his fantasies.
The other night he called me and told me what he'd been fantasizing about that day. He said he'd call me back in about 20 minutes when he was in a situation that offered more privacy. Now here is the weird part, I went LD! I was laying on the bed waiting for his call and trying to get into the fantasy and nothing was coming, no mental images, no feelings of arousal etc. I got kind of freaked out for a minute, probably the equivalent feeling that a HD guy might get if he couldn't get an erection. It was like my blood stream was emptied of sex juice. I don't remember ever feeling like this before.
I told myself to relax and rubbed my nipples for a couple minutes and I was right back in my usual HD groove, but it was a learning experience for me. If that is what it's like to be a LDW, I am very glad I am not one, but I can understand why they wouldn't want to have sex if that is how their bodies operate. If I ever find myself in that state for more than a couple minutes, I will be buying all the hormones I can get my hands on.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Relax, Mojo, take a deep breath... that's nothing more than a mild case of performance anxiety. Happens to everyone now and then (well, maybe not NOPkins, lol!). This kind of thing isn't related to hormones at ALL, AFAIK. More of a "mind over matter" thing. No doubt the mind has as much influence on hormone production as the other way around, tho. Kind of a feedback loop. Interesting thought how the more you think about it the more you're capable of doing it. Not at all at odds with my own experience. In fact, over the years, I've noticed a kind of cycle to my desire that seems to coincide loosely with the seasons. At certain times of the year I'm a LOT more horny than at other times. When I was younger, the hormone levels at those times of year made me feel like a Formula 1 car out of control - VERY difficult to concentrate at work.
Sounds like you and H are doing Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr8! Sure can't wait for W and I to get there. I would LOVE for us to be able to share fantasies! At this point she won't even ADMIT to having any (yeah, right... c'mon...). Anyway, congrats on the steamy stuff!
Tim said: --------- that's nothing more than a mild case of performance anxiety. Happens to everyone now and then (well, maybe not NOPkins, lol!) ---------
Hey, I have been visited by the Melty Man before. Twice that I can recall. The ballerina (I have mentioned her before), and once when I was all used up for the day by some very frisky young ladies and caught in the act by my then girlfriend :-)
I don't recall it ever happening since I have been married. I don't fear it, but it could certainly happen. In fact, it will probably happen sooner than I want it too. I am not so young any more...
Superman I am not. If I were master of all I survey, I would never have been here :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Hey, I was just yankin' your chain, NOP. I expected you to see that. We've ALL been there, and we'll ALL be there again. The only time there's a problem is when we let there be one - if we get spooked and start believing it means something about US, we're cooked, at least until we can get it figured out again. I truly believe that for couples who can live a Passionate Marriage, age will be almost not a factor at all, and if everyone could live that way, Viagra (Levitra, Cialis et al) would not be needed by anyone. Well okay, maybe by a very rare few with some kind of physical problem, but there wouldn't be enough of THEM to keep the drugs in production...
We looked at the house yesterday afternoon. It would be a great place to live . . . if I didn't have four kids with various sports/activities, a complicated custody schedule, and if I had either a lot of skills in remodeling, or a lot of money to pay remodelers. Plus, even if the 100 year old house was perfect (and didn't need about $50 - $100,000 in work), there are 7 acres of pasture, fruit trees, a garden, about 8 outbuildings, etc., to take care of. Me and my three clones might be able to handle it, but it exhausted me just looking at it.
We had also looked at a house that was about that old, but that had been adequately remodeled, that we could probably live in just fine. It was on 3 acres, was within about 15-20 minutes of my present home, and was within our price range.
But why the heck would we move? Our current house is just about perfect. She'd agree. What she doesn't like about it is that it is in a suburban neighborhood. She wants some room to garden (our lot is hilly and wooded, with little or no room to garden). We've only lived here for a year. The kids are able to ride their bikes back and forth between my house and their mom's house. If they forget something in either place, it is easy to go and pick it up. These options would be complicated by moving to any other house.
I told her I wanted to think about it. Why I didn't just tell her NO, I'm not sure, but I think if falls into the "fearless self-disclosure" category. I need to get past this. My fear is pretty groundless. That she'll leave me if I don't agree with her? Doubtful, of course. That she'll be pissed off with me? So what else is new? That she'll cut me off from sex? Don't make me laugh.
We live in a wooded, hilly area too. We have 3 acres, which is nice for the dogs although most of it is woods, but they have a big front and back fenced in yard to run. I would love to have a garden but its nearly impossible here. I have however, found a spot along the side of the driveway for tomato plants Maybe you could find little areas there where she can grow things. Just a thought.
Annette who has to drive to VA today to pick up stuff for the dog show tomorrow
Excavating a piece of your current land to make room for a garden would cost a whole bunch less than moving.
As it is practiced, law can be as much about intimidation as it is about logic and rules. (Like I'm telling you something you don't know...) I think some of that bleeds over into marriage. My guess is that she wants to respect you and she wants to want you. But sometimes she can't help herself and so pushes.
You, like most men, are civilized and peace loving and would rather not fight. Your W is a trained "fighter."
Stand your ground, man. What's best for the kids? Hammer that point.
Maybe you could find little areas there where she can grow things. Just a thought.