But not to hijack the thread - my W thinks the same way Mrs. HD does. She has said that men want sex and women accommodate that. I would really like to be fly on wall for a convo with W, Mrs. HD, HP, and a few of the other HD women on this board. Now that would be almost as good as sex.
I know it's frustrating to have a spouse who simply won't communicate with your about something this important. My LDH is SLOWLY coming out of that shell...very slowly mind you, but it's progress nonetheless.
BTW - the posts I had my LDH read weren't in response to what I posted...but they were very similar situations, at that point I simply told him I had been reading these posts for support. He now knows I also post...fortunately for me he knows I need to be able to get these things off my chest and receive feedback...he also knows at this point he's my worst source for feedback...he simply cannot talk about certain things such as sex (yet)...when he tries, the thoughts form in his brain...but the words simply won't come out his mouth. - So, I know we are in somewhat different situations....
HD's W was taking the opportunity to justify her own behavior and torture HD some more... score one for women (just joking of course, HD). I would love to tell her how much shame there is in being the HDW because of the sterotype she so easily tossed out at him to yank his chain. Does my high desire make me an uncivilized animal type? Would repressing it make me more of a woman? Is my lower desire H not a real man? Notice how no LDM post about their situation, even to an anonymous board. Thank goodness for the SSM book for bringing the sex issue out of the closet and making us feel less alone in these struggles. J
Hairdog, I wanted to say a bit more on this topic, because it's really easy to guffaw at the absurdity of your W's position, but maybe analyzing it a bit more might yield better results.
Also, I wanted to set your mind at ease in case you now think you're married to a nutcase... I think your W's position is not at all uncommon. In fact, W has said very similar things on a regular basis - not in so many words, but obliquely, as in "Can't we 'connect' in some way other than sex?" Now you need to know that we DO connect in a GREAT many ways other than sex, and she DOES acknowledge that as well, so her question really is more like "Can't we have sex less often?" For instance, on the "Famous Friday Night", when we were at the hotel and I indicated I'd like to ML before dinner, and maybe again after the show, she was once again asking if there wasn't SOMETHING other than sex that we could do. If I'd had the balls, I would have reminded her that the entire point of going downtown, spending a night in a hotel, etc., was so we could have some time to focus on each other, with no cares or worries or anything else intruding. And what better, more loving, more romantic way to do that than to ML? In fact, what is the whole point of romance anyway?
So I'm thinking maybe your W, like mine, is basically saying "Why does it always have to be about sex?" To which you and I would, of course, answer "What else should it be about?" Maybe the answer to that question would be interesting!
Journey, I agree. When I am at a playgroup with other SAHM's and I do not chime in on the Horny Bastard discussion and present MY view instead, I get looks of, gosh, they run the gamut...disbelief, disgust, 'you must be a freak' looks, and then finally the convo turns to "My husband would love to be married to you" which I don't know how to interpret--envy?
As far as being an LD guy, wow, I really can't imagine. I know that H feels (or felt) a deep sense of shame about it. Although my H is a remarkably strong guy...he knows who he is and he is comfortable with that. I think that, in the face of all the crap I spewed at him about our sex life, I would have withered if I were him. He has remained strong and true--he's really something!, if I can take a minute to brag..
But he would never ever be able to come to a place like this and admit it to the world.
You are SO right. In my particular case I, the man, am the HD partner and my W, the woman is the LD one, so we fit the stereotype. As hard as that is, I can't imagine if we were the opposite.
Men are SUPPOSED to be horny. it has to be really tough on both partners when they're not. Locker room talk, TV, everything tells men that the should be horny all the time. You couldn't help but feel that there was something wrong with you if you weren't.
And a W with a ND/LDH couldn't help but question herself. ALL men want sex. Ergo, MY H must want sex. He doesn't. Do it MUST be that he doesn't want sex with me. Wow.
There are times I wish I could tell Ms. HD about this board, but I NEVER mention it. I'd love for her to read so many of the posts: the HDWs complaining about lack of desire from their LDHs; the pain the HD spouses go through; the success stories. But the problem, like Wildebube's, is that she would see it as an invasion of her privacy, treasonous behavior, and of course, she'd read the not-so-nice things I've said about her.
And Tim, I've known she's a nutcase for a long time. Ok, not a nutcase. But she has definitely constructed this reality that has the man-as-sexual-beast and the woman as the violated. This has to do with some family history, none having to do directly with her, and the fact that her best friends are her sister and her aunts, who share similar views.
Would that Honeypot, Greeneyedlass, annette, and the others could take her out for some wine.... I fear it would take many visits, many bottles, and I'd end up with a bunch of converted HD to LD wives on my hands. She is very persuasive, you know.
But I feel she is basically taking advantage of my patience. The crucible is approaching.
Hairdog - who appreciates the feedback of everyone.
WHO ARE YOU? I feel like Butch Cassidy & the Sundace Kid increduously asking, "Who ARE those guys?" You ALWAYS seem to come up with something really, really good that never even crossed my mind.
When MY W comes up with a question like, "Why does it always have to be about sex?", I have no answer. My deeply thoughtful answer would either be, "Why not?", or, "It isn't": neither of which leads to any positive results.
Quote: You ALWAYS seem to come up with something really, really good that never even crossed my mind.
(blush) Hey, really, I'm nothing more (or less) than a simple desperado (in the true sense of that word), like the rest of you... and I (like MANY) have had a LOT of time (and other things ) on my hands...
) on my hands...