Here's an interesting mental exercise for all of us HD folks... try to find a situation where YOU are the LD partner, and your spouse is HD, and try to analyze that in terms of your sexual interactions with your spouse.
Example: This morning, as I was getting ready for work, W was talking about several household projects she'd like done, involving shelving and cupboards. She'd like me to build extra shelves in the garage, and she'd like to purchase at least one additional large cupboard for the family room where she could store things. She's perpetually bothered about the fact that the crawl space in our home is pretty full, and it is a major issue if anything needs to be retrieved from there.
So I'm thinking, "He!!'s Bells, woman..." So far this year we've done a major repainting project, cleaned the garage, planted gardens (including constructing a new rock garden), tore out a wall in the laundry room so the Water folks could install a new water meter, put drywall up where the old wall had been, etc... and now she wants still more projects done, whereas I feel I've earned a much-deserved rest from all this work. BING! Light goes on... I wonder if this is how she feels about sex? At least some of the time?
Of course, household projects are NOT the kind of thing that sustains a life-long marriage, so the analogy goes only so far. OTOH, Hairdog, do you think your wife would argue that one COULD sustain a marriage on the basis of how many household projects get done, and how often? Would she take that case, do you think? I guess I'm wondering if this could be a way for a productive discussion to get under way, and maybe get her thinking in terms OTHER than the "Cave-Man" model of sexual relations...?
Good analogy Tim . . . . . except that if you're like me, the projects get done in a timely and adequate manner and everyone is satisfied with the end result . . . and I enjoy doing them. Unfortunately my LDW's "projects" don't have the same qualities.
The "low home-project-completion drive" issue has kind of come up before. I arranged to get a telephone jack fixed (for which I would have to take off work), and her response was, "great, now what about the ceiling fan?" I tell you, her home-project-completion drive is INSATIABLE!. Yes, the analogy breaks down somewhat when you talk about sustaining a relationship based on projects, but I see many parallels. She absolutely LOVES it when she comes home and says something like, "There's a light bulb downstairs that needs to be replaced" and I answer with "I noticed that yesterday and have already replaced it." That's the old "initiation/desire" dynamic coming into play.
How to use these parallels escapes me, however. "Well honey, I'd be happy to paint that ceiling, if only you'd take care of this tool right here, baby!" Any suggestions?
HD, Maybe you need to expand her feminist reading list. I've always enjoyed Susie Bright. She's a delightful writer who never turned in her feminist credentials to stop enjoying sex. Her books are a delight, I especially love her essay in "Sexual State of the Nation" where she had a party to get rid of the porn tapes she had acquired as reviewed for the women's erotic magazine she wrote for.
So maybe try finding good feminist writings that celebrate female sexuality. The women at Good Vibrations.com and at Blowfish.com have a great selection of books on sexuality from a female point of view.
Scott -Who does read more than just SF.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
Thanks for the recommendations, Scott. I'll definitely take a look at the books. Of course, remember that she read SSM and used it to tell me how I was doing everything wrong.
HEY everyone...here's a link to that drug that supposedly increases female sex drive. CNN ARTICLE. Okay, so it's not for everyone. Honeypot, you should definitely stay away from this!
Hairdog - who would pay big bucks if it worked on women...but isn't particularly interest in female rats.
Tim, HD, That's the same thing that goes on here. My spouse has a schedule for the summer that includes house remodelling, vacations and other stuff. She just loves lists, but never does she ever put sex on there.
Scott -Who is trying to get spouse to add sex to the schedule for the summer.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
Quote: She absolutely LOVES it when she comes home and says something like, "There's a light bulb downstairs that needs to be replaced"
Two guys talking about what their wives say when they ML - the first: "My wife says 'Oh, baby!', the second: "My wife says 'I think we'll paint the ceiling mauve...'
Hairdog, I have no doubt that your wife is persuasive but COME ON! Changing a HD person to LD?!?!? She aint that powerful, fella! LOL
After all, can you imagine MY husband changing YOUR mind? Didn't think so.
I read that article and found it amusing. I wonder what will come of it. The part about the lady rats increasing their flirting and doing stealth-attack-mounts on the males had me laughing. You are right--if I took that drug, I think that H would move out!
But it might be a good thing, if it ever makes it to market. Specifically for the females who WANT to change but can't seem to find anything that works. Personally, I think that (in females) the only thing that will get the sex drive back up is to DO IT. Which would be a hard thing to do, so I really sympathize.
Oh and regarding the household project analogy, yeah, I am the same way. I always overexaggerate how often I clean the toilets, say. But the difference here is that I KNOW that I am exaggerating. I am not quite sure if the LD partner really realizes that they are fibbing or if they are truly that much in the dark about their own sexual habits.
I read the article too, and I have to say that whereas I'm sure there are a LIMITED number of situations where something like that would be required, I do think that society's insistance on thinking of low desire as a "disease" that requires a pharmacutical "fix" is, in most cases, REALLY unhelpful. Having read PM, I really have to wonder if there are any conditions in females that would mirror ED in males, at least where the ED has a physical basis, as opposed to just a low desire thing. There's no doubt in my mind that there are SOME situations where there is a physical basis to it, but it seems to me that there are a LOT of people who would be willing to try something like this to fix what is, at the core, a problem with the RELATIONSHIP. It's no secret why the drug companies would be pursuing this kind of research... think of the money to be made... but it seems to me that the wholesale pursuit of drugs like this is just wrong-headed...
Ooh I totally agree with this. I am so sick of the pharmaceutical industry pushing drug after drug, in an attempt to stumble on the next Big Thing and make a trillion dollars. I think that most drugs could be eliminated (esp in America) with lifestyle changes, and this would include sexual dysfunction. Not all drugs, now, but a huge majority of them.
I am sympathetic to the LD partner though because in order to increase desire you have to have sex. And, truly, the last thing you would want to do is have sex when you have no desire. And THAT feeling would foster resentment which would kill any future desire that you might feel...what a neverending cycle.
The key seems to be when the LD partner themselves says, You know I am going to do this and see what happens.. Like Eyesopened did, for instance. If it comes from the HD partner it seems as if the changes are either nonexistant or they come very slowwwly which has been my experience.
So if this drug comes to fruition, it might be nice to use in those instances to jump start someone's libido and then slowly wean themselves off of it, but honestly that sort of thing rarely happens. We have become a culture that is dependent on drugs to alter everything about ourselves that we do not want to change on our own.
