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Thanks Jackie, i just read through you posts.. good for you on standing up for yourself.

My Therapist appointment went really well. She feels that i need to distance myself from my mother and start creating my own identity... i agree. (I am more the parent in our R) I need to work on DB her... anyway we discussed finding ways to relax and not having to control everything and being kinder to myself ect... I'm going to go get some more library books to read over vacation to keep from talking about the R. I def. am going cold turkey with not calling the cellphone or checking the emails.. its the only way. H called today to see how T appointment went. He didnt say ILY, but that is okay, its nice that he called. we are going to my parents tonight for supper. I feel somewhat excited like i have been giving a new chance.. i'm a little scared that i will fail however.. sometimes my mouth gets away with me.. but i just need to remember that I can do this.. thanks again! Hugs

CaS,

I can't help but read your posts and think you are doing so well.

Treat everyday as a new day. A new adventure. Some days will be good and some days will be bad (and you will have bad days, I won't lie to you).

But take those bad days, use what you learn from DBing process, and grow, as a person.

I am glad to see your C sessions are going well, and you are taking to the books.

You are well on your way to a successful journey!

Big higs to you!

Triple J

Thank you Triple J... I respect your thoughts very much...

I'm a little bummed this morning our evening went well, we went to my dads, and I resisted my usual complaining about things with my family. The kids and I all played Tball and we all laughed and had a great time. We got home and H left to go back into work to get something. I did really well, i didnt question him, or give him any looks.. i didnt even call him while he was gone. This morning wasnt as good... i'm sick.. My throat hurt so bad last night that I couldnt sleep. So i'm emotional this morning... He was annoyed that I was being so wimpy... He told me to be strong! I know he just sees it as a sore throat and i'm being a wimp... but its the lack of sleep on top of not feeling good that has me down. I did well though through the tears i managed to say, "ok" to his be strong. I hate that i'm such a wimp when it comes to being sick... anyway off to the docs for me today to make sure its not strep. Thanks if you got this far...

C&S,

Oh, I see something here that calls for pointing out. Would you feel more loved by him if he were to validate your feelings and the need to feel under the weather with some TLC (being wimpy)?

Have you read the Five Love Languages? (otherwise known as the 5LL here) Author is Gary Chapman. Even Mr. Wonderful has read the book, and he found it interesting. Also, another book by John Gray titled "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus."

Once you read them, then we'll think of a way you can "encourage" your H to read them too. By then, he might be a little more receptive to hear why you were looking for what you were seeking outside the M.

Keep smiling!

Betsey

No, I havent... i'll add them to the collection though thanks...

I'm back from the docs, its just viral not strep... I got a movie for tonight... trying not to have the expectation that he will watch it with me... I got along came polly... felt like a laugh... again reminding myself not to have the expectation!!!!! He called to tell me he wouldnt be having much of a lunch break today so not to expect his call.. i did good and said, "okay, see you tonight" even though i wanted to say "why? what are you doing? who with?... i resisted...

Great job not asking those follow up questions! It is hard to let them go, they just want to slip out, but they aren't going to achieve anything.

Do you have your goals? They are great things to have as you can ask yourself in tough situations if what you are about to do is going to get you closer to your goal! Seems simple, but it saved me from doing a lot of dumb things.

Jackie

Well i'm back... we had an alright time. Most of the week he spent fishing, golfing ect... I did my best to limit my expectations. I gave him his Space... and overall i noticed a difference in his personality. I went for a canoe ride by myself.. which i havent done the whole 12 years that we have been going there... i went fishing by myself, and i went swimming by myself.. i did it all for me too. It felt really really nice. I spent a lot of time with my two boys and tried to do as many 180's as i could.. after finishing the DR book, i really felt like i had a handle on things. I spent a whole week away from the Internet, a whole week away from the phone... and i was able to really connect with myself. I dont know if I am any closer to piecing together my marriage... i dont know where I am at as a person... but i know that i am moving forward trying to take it one minute, one second at a time. The hardest thing for me is staying in the moment... Being back home is tough.. he will return to work on Tuesday and then it will be back to "normal".. I want to be strong and independent, because that is what he is attracted too, and that is a 180 for me.. so lets hope i continue DB'ing efficiently.

I rewrote all of my goals, and broke them down into solution action oriented... I think i will be able to achieve them one by one. I also wrote down some mini goals for my personal self and for my children. I have planned two weekends away in July and August just for me. I will be surrounded by friends, and i will take a "me"break. H did ask me last night what it was that I wanted.. and i said "i want to be validated as me... Not only a mom and a wife... but a woman." He seemed to take it to heart.. and i think we are making some headway. Please keep me in your thoughts that i am able to stay on this Db'ing path. Hugs ....

I just read through my own post, and then signed off the computer.. I sat in the recliner while he was watching tv... i became a puppy dog.... wanting his attention.. letting sighs out of me hoping that he would ask me what the matter was... i got myself ready for bed.. its only 8:45.... Hoping that he would ask why.. and then i walked past him without much on hoping that he would take the bait...
Now i'm in bed... laptop in front of me, and him still in the livingroom watching tv. Why do i play these games, why do things still come down to him. I so want to be the independent woman that entertains herself. And quite honestly i would like to entertain myself without the aid of the computer. Not that this site isnt great because it is, but its too tempting to go get attention from OM. I hate being so needy. I knew this would happen as soon as we got home. I'm sorry to vent.. i just know i need to do it here and not to him. A complete 180 means no discussing the relationship.. and quite honestly its killing me... i'm going to hang out around here and read up some more... hopefully when i sign off I will keep my mouth shut and just go to sleep!!! thanks in advance

major backslide tonight I guess my Internet Addiction isnt doing so well. H noticed i was on it a lot today, and then when i went on tonight he got angry with me. Instead of validating... i told him that he was acting like a parent and trying to control me he went to bed and i followed him... he asked me to leave him alone and I persisted I didnt do like i used to and really pummel him with attacking words... but he just told me that he was scared that i was going to hurt him... and that it was eating him up... that he didnt know if he could stay in a relationship with me emotionally He told me that i think of only myself and not him or the boys this made me cry...

I am very selfish and sometimes i do think the Internet comes before my family. How do i break this habit? Anyway he got some stuff together to leave.. and I stopped him.. I begged it didnt push him out the door however, he stopped and came back in the house. I have been silent while he plays video games. He knows i am online now looking at our financial situation. I"m at a loss for these outbreaks.. and my need to be online all the time.
thanks for listening... i'm tired, my head hurts and i'm going to bed..

(((((C&S)))))

I'm sorry you feel the backslide... and that this computer time is interfering with healing.

Just remember that this is a consequence for a previous behavior... and that trust is built over time. He's feeling fear because of the past, and it's going to have to take some more patience on your part to get through this.

From what you said, it sounds as though your H really and truly feels that your internet "obsession" is preventing you from doing what he feels should be your priorities as a mother and wife? How do you feel about this statement?

Has he told you what it looks like to him when you are doing things that show him you are responsible and dedicated to the family?

Let's face it, your cyber addiction HAS created a problem for you in the past, and his fears are founded. However, that's in the past, and it would be pretty unreasonable for him or anyone else to prohibit you from ever using the computer again.

I guess I'm asking if it's possible for the 2 of you to sit down (while neither one of you are "down") to discuss what you feel needs to happen for both of you to take a step forward?

Listen, and become solution oriented rather than defensive. I think you can do this, C&S...

Hugs,

Betsey