You're right on all points. ML 2+ times a week does seem like heaven, but I've had quality issues even at twice a year. Frequency is only the first goal. But she has to actually be there before I can worry about "being there". KWIM?
annette said: ------------- I have not REALLY had a good talk with him about what I want. Maybe because I'm not really sure what it is I want from him at this point. He is being nicer to me than he was before. He does nice little things for me, which are nice. He used to talk to me like I was stupid at times. He has stopped that after 10 yrs of me telling him I don't appreciate it. In the past year when he had done that, I would stand up for myself and not allow it. -------------
I think that you should spend some time figuring out exactly what you want, then modify it to what you can live with, then discuss it with your husband. Make sure you present BOTH end points of your defined spectra( acceptable<---->best). That way maybe he can find some comfortable range of performance.
If for example, he finds it easier to have mechanical sex rather than passionate sex, but he has no problems increasing the amount of affection he shows you otherwise. Let him choose what point he meets your need, as long as it is within your definition.
That approach seems to work well for a lot of people. It removes some performance anxiety and allows for variation.
Find out why he finds the TV more interesting most of the time, than you. He may have a low drive, but I guarantee you that there is some underlying issue between the two of you that started the cycle that eventually changed your relationship.
Both of you will need to get committed to fixing your relationship in order for any permanent changes to take affect.
Has he read TSSM? He needs to discover his culpability in the relationship's decline and address it. You have to do the same.
Oh, and both of you will have to give up on who is most right or wrong. It will always be one-sided, depending on which side is looking :-)
Keep us posted!
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
You are right, I do have to decide what I want. That seems to be my biggest problem right now.
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If for example, he finds it easier to have mechanical sex rather than passionate sex, but he has no problems increasing the amount of affection he shows you otherwise. Let him choose what point he meets your need, as long as it is within your definition
One of the BIG problems Nop is he has ED He had it before he ever had the heart problems, but now its even worse and drs will not give someone on the medications he is on something like viagra. (we tried viagra before he ever had the heart probs) I really feel alot of his problems are mental. He absoutely refused to go to counseling before.
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Find out why he finds the TV more interesting most of the time, than you. He may have a low drive, but I guarantee you that there is some underlying issue between the two of you that started the cycle that eventually changed your relationship.
He has always been into TV. He was a FF when we met and married, alot of the time he watched TV there at work. He truely enjoys some of the shows on TV. I don't think there is any underlying problem, just that he has no desire and he loves TV.... JMO
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Both of you will need to get committed to fixing your relationship in order for any permanent changes to take affect.
Has he read TSSM? He needs to discover his culpability in the relationship's decline and address it. You have to do the same.
Annette said: ------------ One of the BIG problems Nop is he has ED He had it before he ever had the heart problems, but now its even worse and drs will not give someone on the medications he is on something like viagra. (we tried viagra before he ever had the heart probs) I really feel alot of his problems are mental. He absoutely refused to go to counseling before. ------------
Annette, there are medications for ED in heart patients that are site injectable (in the penis). The needles are tiny, and as I understand, cause very little discomfort. They work immediately.
If that doesn't work, there are other ways he can please you. Of course, all that requires his willingness. At some point, he has to be made aware of your suffering. A third party (such as Michele's book) is easier for most people to hear from initially.
I am not a doctor, but from what I have read, there is little reason why you two can't have a fulfilling relationship, exceptions noted.
Does he engage in any form of exercise? I would think couch potato doesn't qualify as an exercise. Maybe he can find an activity (physical) that he likes.
I love to walk. I am too thick (muscular) to run much, besides, I really don't want to lose the bulk. I can walk 12 to 17 miles and not think twice about it. It feels great. Too bad I can't do it very often. Maybe you can help him find some physical activity (health permitting) that he really enjoys. Even simple exercise will help his parts work better.
Please keep us posted. -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
God I love you guys, you have endless suggestions. Unfortunately alot of these have been addressed. Years ago when he first started having problems, I researched it and he even went to the drs. He almost passes out at the site of a needle, so that would definately be out of the question. And this from a FF I have to think that most of it is mental, they gave him testosterone and viagra, but didn't do anything. As for other ways to please me, yes, there are. He has acted like its a big chore to do that. I think he is trying to be more loving and sometimes, excuse the graphics here, he has initiated oral for the first time in 5 years. I had a real hard time relaxing with it becuase he didn't like doing that before. I think he is trying, I really do.
He claims he gets enough exercise at work, he cleans houses professionally now. And, Yes, I agree, being a couch potato isn't doing him any good at all. I take a belly dancing class once a week, and want to go to the local pool a couple times a week, been trying to get him to go with me. We'll see if he will.
I asked him to read SSM about 6 months ago. I have seen it move from different locations, but I don't think he has read it all. I have seen him read other things since then and SSM has been in the same spot for about 2 months now.
I really do appreciate all your suggestions. Keep em coming, maybe will come up with something sooner or later.
Annette, there are ways to test if his ED issue is physical or mental. Depending on the outcome, a solution can be sought.
Either way, you are going to have to bring the whole thing to a head. It sucks to have to be "the one" in a relationship, but change has to start somewhere.
If it is physical, how do you feel about needles? He could turn his head and close his eyes.
I can tell that you love him, but you have to forgive yourself for having a need. It is okay to desire a physical relationship with him. In fact, it is normal. It is not normal. not to. (ooooo, bad grammar) :-)
Annette, are you sure you want me on your side? I will always push for action :-)
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
there are ways to test if his ED issue is physical or mental. Depending on the outcome, a solution can be sought.
Either way, you are going to have to bring the whole thing to a head. It sucks to have to be "the one" in a relationship, but change has to start somewhere.
If it is physical, how do you feel about needles? He could turn his head and close his eyes.
Believe me, I know, I researched it years ago. The problem is getting him to go "back" to the drs. I know I will have to be "the one" to bring the subject up. Needles don't bother me. That would be no problem. I think the first thing I have to do is make it well known I am not happy with sleeping in separate rooms, and being virtually alone every night during the week. That tv has to have a break. Even when he is not watching tv he has the VCR recording something. He has always been that way, and its not bothered me as much as the past 6 yrs.
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are you sure you want me on your side? I will always push for action
Maybe thats just what I need I know that something has got to give. I'm real tired of the way things have been the past 15 yrs, and more so with the past 6 yrs. I also know I have to own up to my own part in all this, and find a way to let go of the resentment and anger. I have no problem with forgiving myself for needing and wanting a physical relationship with my H. It took me years to realise I am normal and not some sex crazed woman.
It took me years to realise I am normal and not some sex crazed woman.
Hi Annette, I also thought somehow my feelings must be wrong and tended to buy into H's perception of things. This was true not only regarding the sex issue but in other areas of our relationship as well. I have anger/resentment towards him for " bullying" me into his way of thinking...but stepping back, I see the anger is really at myself for my lack of assertiveness. I keep coming back to a point made in PM and that is: when you don't assert what you want, you are actually weakening the marriage. (This is one of my mantras). I have directly seen that when I am confident and firm in what I want, I feel better about myself as an individual and have had positive results in the marriage. I can now see his defensive style for what it is and am not intimidated. When I get unsure of myself, I remember that I am doing all this for the sake of the marriage and am learning that when you make waves, you then get the opportunity to jump in them and enjoy. J
Annette said: ------------ That would be no problem. I think the first thing I have to do is make it well known I am not happy with sleeping in separate rooms, and being virtually alone every night during the week. ------------
Amen. Step one is getting him back in the bed with you. That was the first big hurtle in my relationships recovery. I don't know if you have read any of my threads, but my wife was spending every night on the couch. In my case, I think that she was far too comfortable in our relationship and the couch certainly took care of any issues that would 'arise' during the course of the evening.
I would think that you need to get him in your bed first thing. That will let you know if he is actually having erections (I think this likely) and what he has been doing with them (masturbating).
I had thought that maybe he didn't even get around much, but you said he was working full time cleaning. That is a fairly physically demanding job. I suspect that he might be servicing himself in the comfort of his own bed.
In any case, getting him into your bed is a great place to start working on the relationship. I insisted that my wife sleep with me. Once that was re-established in our relationship, when she slipped up, I nailed it - probably way too hard and angry, but hey, I am human too. Now, there is no doubt where she will sleep.
How do you get him to sleep in your bed? I have no clue other than to address it directly with him. If he is fit enough for work, he is fit enough for some conflict. If in doubt, call his doctor. If you can't seem to broach the subject, start climbing into his bed every night. If he moves to another bed, follow him.
In my experience, the only way to start something is to pour some energy into it. Hubby is due a wake up call, you have to phone it in :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I like the way you think, but unfortunately all 3 dogs sleep with him and thats just about all that fits in that bed. But I do intend on talking with him about it this coming weekend.
I can tell you he has kinda/sorta partial erections. Not enough for penetration. In the past 6 months we have attempted intimacy 3 times. Penetration was not possible on the one time he tried. I cannot imagine how it must make him feel.
He had it before he ever had the heart problems, but now its even worse and drs will not give someone on the medications he is on something like viagra. (we tried viagra before he ever had the heart probs) I really feel alot of his problems are mental. He absoutely refused to go to counseling before. 
I have to think that most of it is mental, they gave him testosterone and viagra, but didn't do anything. As for other ways to please me, yes, there are. He has acted like its a big chore to do that. I think he is trying to be more loving and sometimes, excuse the graphics here, he has initiated oral for the first time in 5 years. I had a real hard time relaxing with it becuase he didn't like doing that before. I think he is trying, I really do. 