Thanks everyone for your comments. I was standing on the garbage cans ready to jump, but you've talked me down.
I already knew the answer to be that there was no answer. I was just having a "hole in the middle" day. (If that hole wasn't so big and a little higher I could....nevermind.)
I don't like hearing that I haven't accepted what might be, though. I thought I was sad because I had accepted it and hated it. Oh well, more work to do.
Thanks again. It's good to know that someone can relate to what I feel.
Mike - taking a much needed break from HOM to fuse
Quote: Has anyone found an effective way to deal with the sadness of SSM?
You're not alone in feeling this way. Some of us have found solutions that work for us, but may not for you. But there are solutions out there and I'm sure the good people in this forum will share theirs.
For me, the sadness got so bad last October that one morning I lost all hope. I called my employer's hotline and they set me up with a therapist. I also got in to see my med Dr. that same day. Since then I've been on two antidepressants, which have allowed me to once again function normally.
The therapist was instrumental in getting me to admit to myself that my SSM is not my fault; that the demons of H's past have a tremendous hold on him and I should not be blaming myself.
Slowly, but surely, I'm starting to believe that. The loss of my self-esteem, self-confidence, interest in hobbies and in life was devastating, but little by little I'm getting back to living and loving life. I hope you can find that point, too.
Not only do I get very down on my marrriage, I also feel like I am powerless in my marriage. As they say, the LD spouse holds all the power. I just hate this feeling. I feel like I have virtually no control over weather my marriage succeeds or fails, like I know my marriage sucks, and no matter what I do, I can not fix my marriage. No at the same time I feel like my wife holds all the cards, and she could EASILY fix the marriage and make it great, but she refuses to do so. I hate being at her mercy. Of course I could always leave, but then I would be at the mercy of another woman. How can the HD guy actually regain some power over his situation. I feel like the HD guys that Dr. Laura talks about, in that we can NOT control our own emotions, only our WIVES can control our emotions.
I have not seen anyone here ever fill the hole in their soul without their spouse becoming actively involved with changing the dynamics of the relationship. You cannot accept what you need to fill your heart and mind.
We all try different methods of coping, but that is all it is, coping. Exercise, spending lots of time with the kids, working overtime, taking a part time job, spending time with friends, hobbies, none of it takes away the pain and it stays away.
Sex, touching, intimacy, connection, and acceptance are basic fundamental needs that should be fukfilled by our spouses. I might have a legal document that states that I am married, but in my heart, I know that my H never fully intended to participate. So in my heart, I have been abandoned by the man that took vows with me, to Love, Honor and Cherish. He broke these by not attending to basic, fundamental principles of the marriage. You just can't fill that hole by yourself because a marriage is supposed to be two people working together.
I agree with you but I am not sure what can be done about it. My #1 emotional need is sexual fulfillment. My #2 emotional need is affection. My goal in life is to spend it with my lover, whoever that may be. But all of these things are FUSION. How can I differentiate from this? Everything I need relys upon someone else to provide. There is nothing that I can do to provide these things for myself. So, how can I differentiate from this. Everything else in life seems very minor when compared with this.
Barney, I wrote a similar post when I joined this forum back in October.
Quote: I hope someone has some advice for me. How do ya'll deal with the sadness of the loss of a good sexual relationship? Last year I was almost overwhelmed by the SADNESS of it. I felt like I'd lost my best friend. I did try to discuss it with my husband but I'm not sure he understood where I was coming from. I know he has not chosen to be LD (he has Chrone's and takes medication that affects the sex drive) but I feel like I'm in this all by myself. I guess I feel like since the medication has taken away alot of his sex drive that he doesn't miss it like I do. What I find overwhelming is there is no cure for Chrone's and for him to have any type of quality of life (which I definitely want him to have) he will have to take this medication for life. I feel like such a cry baby about this...I at least am not in constant pain so sometimes I don't feel like I have the right to gripe. I just miss the physical closeness that we used to share. He is not very demostrative and I end of feeling like his roommate instead of his wife. When the sadness really hits me I don't know how to express it. Any help appreciated.
I was in pretty bad shape last year and have really struggled with the sadness this year also. I did go to the Dr. and he put me on Zoloft. I took it for about 3 weeks and stopped. I did not like the way it made me feel - like I really didn't give a rip about anything - sex included!
Like you I have found it hard to deal with the reality of what once was is not coming back like I want it to. I try to keep myself busy - I took up a new hobby - cake decorating - just need to quit eating the icing.
I have bounced back and forth between sadness and anger. My H and I had a discussion last week and he said that he knew that I was deep down angry because I scream all the time. I must admit I do quiet a bit of the loud volumn!!! He said that he wants me to be happy and yet he will gripe about me taking a gum paste (part of cake decorating) class in a city 2 hours away. Gripe about the money I am spending on it. I do work so - our home is paid for so I am hurting who? And how? It really burns me up when he does that. He insists that I BE happy and yet when I do something to occupy my thought and engery he grumps about how much I am spending. I like baking and decorating but, quiet frankly, I'd way rather make love with him than decorate anything!
I want to tell him what would make me happy is for our sex life to return to normal or at least anywhere near approaching norman.
I am working on the sadness. It is a day by day thing. Somedays I am ok and others I am not.
I am no where near as bad off as I was last year and the year before. I thought I would lose my mind then. I guess in some ways I am learning to accept the situation and go on.
I keep reminding myself that he is not doing this to hurt me or be spiteful. I also remind myself that he has a condition that he has no control over and would change it if he could.
That helps some but lets face it - I flat out miss the wonderful sex we used to have.
Keep your chin up. It will get better - and the sadness will dull. It is 3:00 AM so I am going to bed. I was decorating a cake but it is now complete and I am too tired to care that we are not having sex!
That was a great post for me! I'm sorry that I didn't see your October post, but if I had, I might have missed out on your update.
I've got to pull a Clinton here: I feel your pain! Obviously, your sitch has many elements that are outside of your control, but my ignorance of your H's disease prevents me from knowing whether the lack of sex is something he could change. Either way, your anger is understandable.
The 3:00 am thing makes sense to me, too. I have a DVD collection that you wouldn't believe. (Blockbuster calls me to borrow movies! ) 99% of them are viewed after everyone in my house goes to bed. It keeps me from thinking about what's not happening otherwise and I'm too tired afterward for anything but sleep.
Mike - hoping every day is a good one for us all (I spend bad ones trying to find my lone bullet)
Quote: I spend bad ones trying to find my lone bullet
If it's a silver bullet you might be Von Helsing, yah? Chasing werewolves in the night....Tracking them down and ridding the world of evil creatures. Are you trying to tell us that you are Huge Jackman in disguise? LOL
