This gave me a lot to think about Honeypot. I think part of it is shame on his part because he has alluded to that before. I know that he has trouble now with maintaining an erection and I don’t have to be a man to know that is a huge blow to the ego. We did try Cialis (that stuff REALLY works like nobody’s business just in case someone wanted to know) but the medication caused his stomach to go into hissy fits.
Quote: “Or does he feel entitled to not do anything because he is the one suffering and you are not?”
This is a possibility because twice he has said “I wish it was you and not me then you would understand” maybe he is unconsciously angry that he is ill and I am not. I have asked him to see a counselor on more than on occasion but he refuses to go. We have gone round and round about the lack of sex and the QUALITY of the sex that we do have. It is much more one-sided than it used to be.
A few months ago I had been waiting for something-anything to happen and he came up and really kissed me at the sink when I was washing dishes. Next thing I know he’s dragging me off to the bathroom – the kids were outside – and I thought well well, we will have an interesting little interlude. NO WE DID NOT! He got his jollies and left me hanging high and dry. I was pissed off but said nothing. I just let it go. A week or so later he came up said something about sex – can’t remember exactly what it was but I said in no uncertain terms, “if it is what I got last week NO THANKS” He apologized and said he was wrong after we had a few ugly words. I told him I could go the rest of my life with out being his bang hole (excuse my ugliness – I was pretty mad) and that if that was the best he could offer to keep it to himself. As I said we used to have a stormy marriage and every now and then we can revert back to Hurricane strength fights. This was one of them.
He actually had the gall to tell me he’d get it from somewhere else! That really pissed me off and I told him By all means – do you think I give a damn?
I guess what puzzles me is that we had always had a wonderful sex life. Nothing boring about our bedroom. We were always trying new ways to please the other and now even when we do have sex it rarely is satisfying. I spend most of my time telling myself to put a tight lid on my sexual responses because who knows when I will be able to release it? When time comes it seems to take a lot longer to get aroused like I used to – but like I said he doesn’t make love to me like he used to. It is more like “I will get my jollies and then you can get your’s” It is more like mutual masturbation than making love and it is not the same to me.
You have given me much to think over. He and I will be having an indepth conversation soon.
Mike, As I told Honeypot this gives me much to think about. I have constantly beat myself up not to be so selfish when I know for a fact he is ill. In 1990 he went for 196 lbs to 158 lbs in 6 weeks or so. Was so sick his hands were shaking and his face was pasty white. He had a similar episode two years ago where he lost 30 lbs in a very short length of time.
I also know he HATES being ill and refuses really to say he is sick. If I ask him how he feels he ALWAYS says "I'm fine" regardless of how he does feel. He has gone to work no matter what. He hates for me to tell anyone that he has Crohn's or any problem for that matter. He is an extremely private person.
He works out everyday to keep up his strength. He is very diligent about his diet and what he eats.
I would say truely that the thing that has suffered the most is our sexual relationship. He goes to work everyday and he has a stressful, demanding job at an engineering firm. He keeps our yard looking wonderful (of course he recently bought a zero turning radius lawnmower)and keeps our swimming pool looking sparkling clean.
He rides his Harley motorcycle which he dearly loves - I just wish he would ride me!
He works hard at NOT letting Crohn's take over his life but I think the one thing that is suffering is our sex life.
He knows that I love him - I tell him so all the time. He knows I still think he is a hottie - I tell him that all the time too. And he is - he looks pretty darn terrific for almost 50!
I guess on this I just don't know how to stand up for myself - how do you insist someone make love to you and for them to LIKE it? He said also that the kids are always here and that they are. We have a 13 and 16 year old still at home. Our 20 year old is married. It isn't like when they were little and we could send them outside.
This is something we have talked about. In the morning his stomache is less than wonderful. I know he got up in the middle of the night last night and when I asked he actually told me his stomache was hurting. At night he is pretty much wiped out and he takes medication that as soon as his head hits the pillow he is OUT. The afternoon would be the best time but that is kinda hard with two big kids right up in your Kool-Aide.
I want our relationship to be one of peace and happiness for both of us. I have wanted to go to counseling for a long time but he gets really upset when I talk about it.
Any suggestions are greatly appreciated and I want to make some changes. I don't want to shrivel up!
ShouldBHappy, I am glad to hear that you are coming OUT of cronic illness. It really is the pits.
I feel that our sex life is TOTALLY controlled by him and that is not a happy place for me. I miss being able to say "hey - race you to the bedroom". Now we have sex only when he wants/needs sex and sometimes it is definetly one sided sex that really gives me the reds.
When we have discussed the situation he tells me not to quit asking but damn - I'm not made of steel - actually I am quite fragile. I HATE being turned down. It put a black cloud over my day.
These last three posts have really helped me look at things from a different perspective and I thank each of you from the bottom of my heart.
I had reached a point to where I felt totally selfish in my desires. I do want more balance and I will continue to try to reach it.
Niecie, You know, when I am reading your posts I get the feeling that, yes, it is his illness that is the root but.....there's more to it.
I have this sense that his erection difficulties are causing more of a problem than the actual stomachache, especially in light of the fact that he is able to ride motorcycles, clean a pool, maintain the lawn and a high stress job. It just doesn't add up, you know?
But what really stands out is the quality of sex going down. It appears that he is becoming so worried about staying hard that he is making that (and consequently his orgasm) the goal, instead of keeping in mind that YOU are there also.
It sucks to be him these days, that's for sure! I feel very sympathetic to him..I think he has a few big issues to work through. The first being, How is he going to handle occasional impotence for the rest of his (and his wife's) life? And secondly, How is he going to handle incorporating a sex life into a life filled with a chronic stomachache. It can be done, N. If he is able to do those other things mentioned above, then he will find a way to accomplish this, too.
These are things that I have definitely thought about - almost on the fringes of my mind - like not wanting to put a voice to it in my own head.
I know that he works hard at not letting Crohns rule his life - it is like he is fighting back at every turn.
I am hoping the opportunity to speak to him about it will come up soon. I have never really laid it all out on the line at one time - I always have it in my head NOT to unduly upset him and make things worse.
On the other hand I am tired of being upset over this issue time after time. I am hungry for his love and affection in a sexual sense. I know he loves me and he is good to me. If our sex life wasn't giving me grief at this moment our life would be pretty darn good.
I want him to read the book - it has such wonderful insites in it that it is like she wrote it with me in mind.
Thanks for caring Honeypot. I haven't had anyone to talk to about this-not even my best friend who I could tell anything. It is just too hard to talk about especially to her - she has known me for years and she has certainly heard all of my great bedroom stories! The last thing I want to talk about is that they are just becoming memories.
I just keep it to myself. I have a job where I drive alot (outside sales rep) and sometimes long drives are great and other times it gives me way to much time to think about negative things!
I am keeping busy though - took a fondant cake class in a city 2 hours away today. My cake looked pretty fantastic! Not as great as sex but pretty good and heck - I can eat it too!
I see some simlarities in your H and myself. He (nearly) always says "he's fine" no matter how he really feels. I'd do exactly the same thing, handle it myself the best way I could w/o burdening those I love. I would want my family to be understanding that I'm often in pain, but (here's the point) I wouldn't want it to rule or ruin my life. IOW, BE UNDERSTANDING, BUT DON'T TREAT ME LIKE I'M SICK!
So, what would you do about this if he wasn't sick? Would you give him the pass on your sex life like you're doing now? Would you let him hide behind some other excuse (too tired, too stressed, too lazy, want TV instead, etc.)? If the answer to that is NO, then you owe it both of you to press him on it now (IMO).
There's something else going on with him besides Crohn's. I'm guessing he's feeling inadequate or sorry for himself because of it. I understand why he might, but he doesn't HAVE to feel that way. It's a choice he's making.
If this line of reasoning (guessing, actually) is correct, you owe it to your M to call him on it. He obviously needs your help to get past it.
Good luck!
Mike - expert counselor for others, clueless for self
It was great to find this board. I joined back in September or October of last year - but have been inactive for awhile. Like Mike said - it sometimes was just too sad and just kept me upset.
I feel like with ya'lls help on this post I hijacked from Mike has really done me good!
I would have hissy fits if he "cut me off" and there wasn't a darn good reason such as this illness. I have always thought sex was just jimdandy. If you by any chance read my first posts you would know that I had been married once before to a young man that decided after we were married that "sex would make you dirty like my mother". Oh joy thrill. I lived with that mess for 18 months and I LEFT and NEVER regretted it.
When I met my H that I am now married to it was like sexual sparks instantly flew. I thought he was the sexiest man alive and I still feel that way. To me he looks the same as he did at 24. I realise he has aged but he looks darn good for just shy of 50. When he was in his middle 30's is when he really got ill and he looked horrible then - his hair literally turned silver overnight.
Anyway - one reason this has been such a nightmare for me is it is like my worst nightmare come true - married to someone who avoids sex with me.
When I have talked to H about the way his disintrest makes me feel he insists that he loves me and still finds me every bit as attractive as when we were first together and that I should NOT feel like this is my fault or that he is purposely doing this to me.
The rational side of me understands some of it and the irrational side says "I don't care - the end result is the same not matter what the reason!"
Quote: There's something else going on with him besides Crohn's. I'm guessing he's feeling inadequate or sorry for himself because of it. I understand why he might, but he doesn't HAVE to feel that way. It's a choice he's making.
He rarely feels sorry for himself so to my way of thinking it is more an issue of inadequecy. How about it guys? If you felt that you would not be able to maintain an erection would you avoid sex?
I do know that if he "overheats" it will KILL everything quick. I keep our room pretty cold for that reason!!! I wish we lived in Alaska sometimes!
What bothers me most is that his "technique" has gone from exquisite lover to just "doing it". That really bothers me. Sex with him used to be absolutely fantastic and now for the most part it is not.
As I said, I rarely approach him for sex because he inverably says no. While we were on our cruise the first night he reached for me and I thought "Great! This is what vacations are for!!!" Well - he got his jollies and left me hanging. I was furious but said nothing - what's the point? On our 4 day we were at a beach in Cozumel with our two kids swimming. Always before when we got in the water I would put my arms around his neck and wrap my legs around him. After a few seconds he pushed me away.
I just swam off and later he could tell I was upset but I refused to tell him why and insisted I was just tired. I did not want to ruin our vacation by having a knock down drag out fight.
I guess maybe it was that night ( not sure now - that was 2 and a half weeks ago) we went to bed and I put my arms around him and was kissing him and he of course said "move over". I moved over instantly.
He knew that I was upset and then he decided to ML. That feels like pity sex to me.
I know that the subject will come up soon - and he will say "oh here we go again" but I think our converstation is going to be different this time.
Any direction is always appreciated. I always want to be kind, supportive, and unjudgemental with my H. To be otherwise is counter productive and yet I do believe by not pushing the issue I am in effect enabling him to cop out on me.
I want him to read the SSM book. I have asked numerous times and he has said he would a few times and others he has said flat out he did not want to read it.
The reason he doesn't want to read it is that he said that unless someone had Crohns and could really understand where he was coming from he did not believe they could help him understand anything.
It was great to find this board. I joined back in September or October of last year - but have been inactive for awhile. Like Mike said - it sometimes was just too sad and just kept me upset.
I feel like with ya'lls help on this post I hijacked from Mike has really done me good!
I would have hissy fits if he "cut me off" and there wasn't a darn good reason such as this illness. I have always thought sex was just jimdandy. If you by any chance read my first posts you would know that I had been married once before to a young man that decided after we were married that "sex would make you dirty like my mother". Oh joy thrill. I lived with that mess for 18 months and I LEFT and NEVER regretted it.
When I met my H that I am now married to it was like sexual sparks instantly flew. I thought he was the sexiest man alive and I still feel that way. To me he looks the same as he did at 24. I realise he has aged but he looks darn good for just shy of 50. When he was in his middle 30's is when he really got ill and he looked horrible then - his hair literally turned silver overnight.
Anyway - one reason this has been such a nightmare for me is it is like my worst nightmare come true - married to someone who avoids sex with me.
When I have talked to H about the way his disintrest makes me feel he insists that he loves me and still finds me every bit as attractive as when we were first together and that I should NOT feel like this is my fault or that he is purposely doing this to me.
The rational side of me understands some of it and the irrational side says "I don't care - the end result is the same not matter what the reason!"
Quote: There's something else going on with him besides Crohn's. I'm guessing he's feeling inadequate or sorry for himself because of it. I understand why he might, but he doesn't HAVE to feel that way. It's a choice he's making.
He rarely feels sorry for himself so to my way of thinking it is more an issue of inadequecy. How about it guys? If you felt that you would not be able to maintain an erection would you avoid sex?
I do know that if he "overheats" it will KILL everything quick. I keep our room pretty cold for that reason!!! I wish we lived in Alaska sometimes!
What bothers me most is that his "technique" has gone from exquisite lover to just "doing it". That really bothers me. Sex with him used to be absolutely fantastic and now for the most part it is not.
As I said, I rarely approach him for sex because he inverably says no. While we were on our cruise the first night he reached for me and I thought "Great! This is what vacations are for!!!" Well - he got his jollies and left me hanging. I was furious but said nothing - what's the point? On our 4 day we were at a beach in Cozumel with our two kids swimming. Always before when we got in the water I would put my arms around his neck and wrap my legs around him. After a few seconds he pushed me away.
I just swam off and later he could tell I was upset but I refused to tell him why and insisted I was just tired. I did not want to ruin our vacation by having a knock down drag out fight.
I guess maybe it was that night ( not sure now - that was 2 and a half weeks ago) we went to bed and I put my arms around him and was kissing him and he of course said "move over". I moved over instantly.
He knew that I was upset and then he decided to ML. That feels like pity sex to me.
I know that the subject will come up soon - and he will say "oh here we go again" but I think our converstation is going to be different this time.
Any direction is always appreciated. I always want to be kind, supportive, and unjudgemental with my H. To be otherwise is counter productive and yet I do believe by not pushing the issue I am in effect enabling him to cop out on me.
I want him to read the SSM book. I have asked numerous times and he has said he would a few times and others he has said flat out he did not want to read it.
The reason he doesn't want to read it is that he said that unless someone had Crohns and could really understand where he was coming from he did not believe they could help him understand anything.
I read your post, and I have a lot of empathy for you. It's terrible hard to be so sad all the time and to have no hope for improvement.
I just wanted to comment on one of the other replies I saw that you received. One of your replies discussed possible herbal remedies for sadness. I would strongly encourage you to discuss any herbal supplements with a medical doctor before taking them. A number of herbal supplements can interfere with prescription and over-the-counter medications, resulting in decreased or increased absorption of those medications. Herbal medicines can also interfere with the effectiveness of other prescription and over-the-counter medications, so if you suffer from a serious or potentially serious condition, such as high blood pressure or asthma or anything like that, you want to use extra caution when adding herbals to your medical regimen.
Also, the US FDA (food and drug administration) does not regulated herbal supplements. Therefore, no herbal supplement has gone through the clinical trials that prescription and over-the-counter medications do. That's not to say that there aren't some very effective herbal supplements out there - you should just exercise extreme caution.
In addition, since the FDA does not regulate herbal supplements, the herbal supplement producers are not required to give the precise content of an herb on the packaging. While a package might claim that a product contains 50 mg Ginseng (for example) there may actually be no ginseng in the product, or there might be 200 mg Ginseng present. I would recommend consulting your doctor or pharmacist and find out very reputable brands before purchasing any herbal remedies.
And a word about anti-depressants ... I would suggest you research them carefully, including the length of time to achieve effectiveness, the length of typical treatment, the expense, and the discontinuation effects.
Many of the newer anti-depressants (Effexor, Wellbutrin, Celexa, for example) have higher co-pays with many insurance companies. That's something to consider.
The discontinuation effects are also important. I know from personal experience that the discontinuation effects of Effexor are dramatic; it is not an easy drug to get off of. And Paxil has even had class-action lawsuits filed against it, due to discontinuation effects.
Again, these are all just suggestions and not medical advice. I sincerely hope you find something that works for you and that you find happiness again.
NurseSusan
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."
