Has anyone found an effective way to deal with the sadness of SSM?
I've come to terms with the reality that my sitch may not change, and I've accepted that. But I can't seem to get past the sadness of it. Some days are better than others, but the bad days feel like a hole through the middle of me.
Is this just me or do others have this, too? If it's just me, fine. (Another reason to kill myself ASAP.) But if this is common to others, how do you make it go away?
I am thinking about other times in my life when I had to accept a difficult situation, and to me "accept" means making the conscious decision not to allow the pain to win over your basic life force. When that struggle gets easier, then you are on the path of acceptance. The pain never completely goes away, because it serves as a reminder of that which we are seeking to accept. Wishing you many more positive days, J
I've been comtemplating entering a note like this for a while. I understand I could be entering dangerous territory. I'm an amateur homeopath and have more than a passing knowledge of it. For more information check out the National Center for Homeopathy
The good news is there is relief when the right remedy is taken. The bad news is there are thousands of remedies. Here is a partial list of potential sadness remedies: Aurum Metalicum: Suicidal - wants to jump from height. No hope. If you're here you really ought to be seeing a professional. Ignatia: You can't accept a situation. Hysterical. Good for after spouse "drops the bomb." crying. Phos. Ac.: Pining away for someone. Exhausted from yearning. Veratrum Album: Sadness from "disappointed love" and your blood "runs cold." Like ice water going through your veins. Staphasagria: Often from being violated. Can take on a sexual expression with an "edge." If suicidal wants to shoot self.
There are dozens of other remedies that can fix saddness. If you're just a little blue, deal with it. Don't take a remedy unless it really fits you. Your state of mind can change and with it the appropriate remedy for you. You can get many of these remedies by ordering them through your natural food store or 1-800-DOLISOS (2 dram, 30c)(shipping charges will kill you ) Only take homeopathic preperations of these as the crude form can often harm you.
Better yet, see a real homeopath. See the link above for finding one.
It's made my life and my dealing with my situation much much easier.
Barney...I'm so sorry to hear of your sadness, but you definitely aren't alone in that. I have a feeling that the majority of us posting on these boards experience that same sadness, I know I do...it's like my heart has sunk down to my feet...I get so down sometimes that I just burst into tears in the car while driving. For me however it's not a constant sadness (it's not hormone related either...just thought I'd throw that in there)...although it did seem to be up until recently. Now when I see my LDH do something that's a stretch for him and I can tell he's trying to overcome our problem it gives me hope and I've learned to stretch that hope out.
When I'm feeling sad though it's the most horrible hopeless feeling...(Thanks TOM for the homeopathic suggestions). When I'm feeling sad I try not to take it out on my LDH, that just turns into pressure and unintentional expectatoins. I don't know if you are into any physical activity or not...but when I'm down I try to do something extremely strenuous physically (which gets difficult with a new son)....for me that may be taking my 11-mo old son outside to play, working with my horses...or even packing my son up in his stoller and going for a 4-mile walk. Whatever I do when I'm that down in the dumps I try to make sure it'll get my mind directed elsewhere, my heart going and the endorphins rushing. Not only will it help you out physically (which a new momma really needs LOL) but it really does make you feel better, it gives you a lift.
I went to my doctor (after doing a lot of research) and asked for an anti-depressant. I accepted his recommendation of Effexor, as I had already decided that it was probably the best one for my situation. The first few weeks were spent looking for the proper dosage, but I think I'm doing better as a result of taking this medication. It has kind of weird side effect, sexually speaking. At first, I felt my libido wane, but now it is definitely back where it was.
Something to think about.
And hey, it's not worth killing yourself over. Suicide is the most selfish thing anyone can ever do.
Hairdog - Life is good, but there's always room for improvement.
Yes Barn, we all feel that way. I've mentioned before that it just seems to drain the soul. That's what I was alluding to, the constant, inescapable sadness that seems to be there lurking even on my best days. I can't remember his name, but there used to be a character in L'il Abner who always walked around with a little black cloud over his head and rainging on him. Sometimes I feel like that guy - the sadness just follows me everywhere I go.
Hiya Barn, I would have to guess that the reason the sadness is so harsh is that you have NOT accepted your situation. There really is no way, imo, to ever fully accept a situation like that unless something happens to your own libido and you forget about the problem altogether.
What helped me with sadness was giving up the charade. When I started speaking my feelings and doing it frequently, the sadness started to fade although it was still a while before noticeable improvements were made.
I felt more empowered and less captive, kwim? For me, that's where the sadness was coming from--the seeming futility of the whole thing. We were living lives of quiet desperation and I couldn't take the desperation any longer.
But, yes, I think we all know where you are coming from. There were days on end where I would do nothing but cry. The thing that snapped me out of it was that I am a stay at home mother and what kind of example is that to set for your kids? Someone who is crying off and on, for days?
I think as long as you put yourself in a position where you WAIT for change (as opposed to forcing it, in a purely schnarchian way, now) you will continue to feel sad because SHE will continue to do what has always worked for her--nothing.
Last night I just finished reading SSM for the second time. This time with a highlighter and a pen, highlighting the comments that make the most sense to me and jotting down my own thoughts and feelings in the margins. The very last chapter of the book, Michelle writes what is really the most applicable portion of the book for all of our situations. In a nutshell, she writes that the pitiful reality of all of this is that our spouses and our situations may not change no matter what we do our how hard we try. We must accept it and choose to either be miserable in the situation, leave, or find happiness in something else. I think that is what we all must do. For each of us here, I now believe that the reality is that our spouses will NOT change and we have absolutely no control over it. Just like Michelle says, THEY are in control of themselves and change will not occur until THEY decide the change is needed. And since each of our significant others are getting what they want out of the marriage, I see no changes for any of us.
That my friend is the sad reality of this. Each of us must choose which of the three options we can handle. I won't leave and I won't cheat. I've got a wonderful marriage in all respects except this one, and I guess to that extent it is my own fault that I place such an emphasis on the sexual aspect of my marriage. She can't help that I find it important any more than I can help her lack of emphasis.
From this point forward I am not going to work so much on trying to restore our intimacy to where it was. I am choosing to spend my energy on working to make myself happier. From this day forward, those things that I gave up in order to spend more time with my wife, I am going to pick back up. She can join me if she chooses, but I am going to make MYSELF happy with or without her. She is going to have to accept this just as I have to accept her.
We are all in the same boat together brother. I suggest we all put on our life jackets and get ready to swim for shore.
I would have to guess that the reason the sadness is so harsh is that you have NOT accepted your situation.
Exactly!!! When you have accepted a situation, the sadness fades. I could not accept the state of my marriage, and as a result, I felt a lot of pain. For years I managed to avoid the pain with a lot of distractions, but in looking back, it was always there. I wonder if my husband got to a place of acceptance, or was it that he was better able to numb out his feelings...either way, he was not motivated for change. I am beginning to see that the pain I so desperately tried to avoid was actually a good thing, in that I finally had to deal with it and do something about it. By the time I was ready to confront my marriage and low desire, there was so much sadness that I was overwhelmed. Like HD, I decided to go on an antidepressant ( in my case, wellbutrin, which has no adverse sexual side effects and is sometimes a libido booster) which I believe did help me, whether the effect was psychological ( taking charge and doing something) or physical. I am happy about the positive changes in the marriage, but I am not at a place of acceptance, but I am not overwhelmed, and smile a lot more. Hairdog--- so nice to see that through it all you keep your sense of humor, and Barn, I noticed the same thing is true of you...never lose that! J
) Only take homeopathic preperations of these as the crude form can often harm you.