H2H--Thanks!!! I knew you ladies would be quick about that. Maybe I'll head out at lunch after I weigh in (I'm ALMOST there!)
Pam--Meredith and I have been e-mailing. The 2 hour time difference, her schedule and mine have been obstacles in phone chats. Hopefully within the next few days!
Now off to do payroll....
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I'm not quite sure what you disagree with, because I cannot seem to find anything to disagree with in your post - but that might be because my mind is a bit befuddled this morning. More than usual, I mean. *grin*
BTW, I like disagreements, because they usually involve new perspectives, and I'm grateful to anyone who takes the time to disagree with me.
I also know I owe you a post, and I'll get to it asap, but I sometimes need a day or two to process what I want to say - so please don't think I've forgotten (sorry, Pam, for giving you the impression that I'd forgotten your post!) The threads here sometimes move with amazing swiftness, especially this one, because there are such great discussions on it, and I have a hard time catching up.
I also admit to a certain professional curiousity regarding your D7. I've worked in a Children's Hospital for kids with rare genetic disorders for a while, and from the symptoms you describe (happy disposition, non-verbal, seizures, sleeping disorder, attraction to/fascination with water) I can make a pretty accurate guess as to what it is. We treated a little girl with that sydrome while I was there, and I always called her the little Elf, because that is how she looked. She was just the sweetest thing, and everybody loved her. But she was very, very, VERY time-intensive for her mother (her father had, surprise, surprise, left before his daughter was three). In fact, as sad as this sounds, only about 5% of the mothers who had children with genetic disorders of that magnitude were still married. If anyone wants to see "spouses leaving because they can't deal with their own pain", here it is in its purest form. Now why did I bring this up? I guess because I wanted to add my "kudos" to the way you and Mr W have integrated her into your life, really enjoy spending time with her, and love her unconditionally as the gift from God she is, and for the good qualities she brings out in others. I find this truely heartwarming and wonderful.
Pam, That really hit home. I have always though of myself as a giver and I feel ike one, but I guess have been trying to take from my W. I read this after I talked to Vernetta and posted on my thread.
In short, it was suggested I call W and ask about final D papers just to test the waters, but that seems now like trying to take. Maybe I should stay dark another month or 2 and let her think. That way I am giving her what she wants without expecting any thing in return.
However I'm torn. Everyone tries to find a reason to re-establish commication. Oh What should I do? I feel I can stay dark longer now, but I really want to talk to her. If I talk to her and it does not go well it will be even harder to stay dark.
I hate being this conflicted. Some one slap me and tell me what to do.
I thank you for looking deep within yourself for those insights and feelings you have shared. I know hard it can be to face those realizations but the results are certainly benefiting others as well as yourself.
I just hope it hasn't caused you too much pain to reflect on this subject. If it has/is, don't feel like you owe me or anyone else a reply.
You've said many things I can relate to, I think my WAW is very much in the mindset you were in. Easier to start over, no ideals to live up to, no expectations, not thinking of consequeces, wanting attention and doing things that get it, even negative or passive aggressive.
It sounds like things ended with OM when H saw the email and then H took his stand and wanted to file? Sounds like you voluntarily ended it then, can you recall why?
Throughout this time of living your movie, I get the sense you felt you had this safety net H to return to after it was all over? It doesn't sound like he knew about OM until the email.
Has anyone read the Four Agreements? It states everyone is their own star in their own movie, kind of interesting. It was recommended to me but I haven't read it yet.
Thinking and facing these things is hard. Thank you for sharing Pam.
Pen--I like disagreements too! As long as the parties all play by rules of respect--at least no judgements or name calling--I'm a happy camper!
Seattle--I have read The Four Agreements. I loved it! Not taking things personally was the best jewel I found for myself in that book. It's small and it's an easy read... well worth the $.
Pen, back to you. Thank you for your encouraging words! I've mentioned her Dx before--which is Angelman's Syndrome--so I'm not hesitant in sharing it again.
She IS an elf! What a funny name! She's a lot of work and requires a significant amount of supervision and direction--she has bad ideas that seem good to her. And Mr. Wonderful and I have, in my opinion (which is shared by many others), done a really great job balancing our lives despite the significant changes that have resulted from her issues.
GO US!
The blessings FAR outweight the negatives. I would have never found a reason to venture into the world of disabilities. That would have been a real shame, because I have met many remarkable people on this journey. People who have really helped me see what is truly important.
Wherever we go, we have a fan club. It ain't me, so it has to be her! She may be nonverbal, but her messages are there for anyone who is looking for one. We walk into the supermarket and are typically greeted by someone squealing her name with absolute delight (and equally divided among adults and children).
Last night we went to the pool and 3 little boys rushed up and greeted her in the same manner. They actually argue over who gets to play with her first! D10 and I laugh at this, because she has no idea that she affects others like this.
She really makes life FUN. (I really must say this to myself more often, because discliplining her is a polar opposite sentiment.)
BTW, I've met families where the mother has left too, though by and large the fathers do the walking the most often. I've been told by our agency that the percentage of divorce in families where a child has a lifelong disability is 50%, and 70% of those divorces occur during the first 3 years of the child's life. We've already beaten those odds. And no matter what Mr. W. does, he loves his girls a whole lot.
The universal comment we get when we're out and about? "She has the most beautiful smile."
Yep, she does. And she uses it effectively and often.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Wow, Pam... thanks for that post. It really gave me some much needed and appreciated insight into my H. I can see him not thinking, not moving, going along. As a matter or fact, he has said this to me on several occasions...
He always seems angry when the D issue comes up, and I never bring it up... but when he does he kind of screams it at me. Like he is afraid of that... but he does not seem to do ANYTHING to change what is going on... like you said, he goes with the flow.
So, what to do... work on me. Stay positive. Wait or don't.
Anyway, thank you for your honesty.
And Betsey... wow, I never had any idea about the statistics of parents divorcing over disabled kids... yikes. My brothers son is 9 and although his parents have different approaches, they love him just the same. Thank you for that insight. I will have to let my brother and SIL know how wonderful they both truly are.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi again, Seattle! I don't really mind answering your questions. I really do think that it helps to get inside the mind of someone who has been there. And, the more I have to think about all of this, the better off I am. I am a classic avoider!
Actually, the e-mail was found on his end, not mine. It was kind of a relief to me, actually. I was just going along with things, not really looking into the future.
I had no choice but to tell my H. (It was going to be me telling him or someone else). I guess this could be seen as "voluntarily ending things," as I had no desire to pick back up at that point. I immediately (voluntarily) got rid of my cell phone and deleted my e-mail account. More avoidance on my part.
See how easy it was to end it? You know what though? If it hadn't been found out, I don't know how much longer it could have gone on. I just did not have the strength to end it on my own.
Not that this matters, but the physical part of it was over at that point. But the emotional part was still going on. I don't know if the physical stuff would have come back up (no pun intended).
The whole point of me bringing all of this up is that I wanted to show that I never intentionally wanted to hurt anyone. I didn't even think that I was! I was just trying to meet my own needs, and I had pure tunnel vision.
You know what--- I am realizing as I am typing this... if my husband had wanted to work things out, no questions asked, I wouldn't have taken the hard stand that I did with OM. I might even think that it would be o.k. to try to be "friends." In other words, I took whatever my H gave. He suspected the A the whole time, yet he never went beyond asking me a few subtle questions. This is one of the things that made me think he just didn't care.
As long as I had H as a "safety net" and as long as I thought he'd always be there, I continued on with a self destructive pattern.
When my safety net was yanked I was suddenly quite lost. Luckily, I had found this site by then. I had started making changes for the better months before that, but this helped me to make sure I was making them for the right reasons.
My goodness, I was a real pain in the ass!
Who knows how it will end. My H is obviously very torn when it comes to believing that I am not that person anymore. It is a slow uphill climb, but we're getting there.
Seattle, just be open to the fact that your wife CAN change. BUT, don't let on that you believe that until she starts to do it. Don't be a safety net. She has to crash on her own.
The consensus on this bb is to let go, move on, etc. But, does that make the WAS think that we don't care? Does it slow them down? Like you said, you had that safety net.
Nothing seems to move my H one way or the other.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Bets, I have to chime in here and talk about my son. Like your D he gets greeted every where we go. He seems to know everyone and he is not afraid to say I love you to others. He is always happy. Always nice to everyone never gets down. He loves music ( mostly country and gospel, all music ) He loves to talk although he has a speech impediment.
I have always taken him anywhere I go except to a club. His Mother and I stayed married for 8 years.
He definately loves his daddy. He can't wait to see me. Then when we get to my house he goes to his room and watches preaching and gospel music LOL Go figure. He is 17 so maybe he doesn't want to hang out with Dad all the time.
He has a tricycle that I have to force him to ride now. He is a bit lazy. Once he gets going on it he loves it. When I take him to my dance class he has a ball. He just loves to watch people. He even dances in his chair. He loves people who act silly and so does my grand D.
Can you tell how proud I am of them. I wouldn't trade my son for all the perfect kids in the world. We can learn so much from children like him and Bets D. Why can't we have the same disposition they have?
He never seems to have emotional pain. I"m not sure if he is capable of it. He has lost his GM and step dad and he just says they are with God.
What a joy he is to have around. How could any one walk away from that?
Betsey